In no particular order:
- I am a very patient woman, but there is only so much whining that I can actually tolerate. To protect the privacy and integrity of the very young, I'm not going to say a whole lot more about that. Suffice to say that in my career of assisting in the rearing of small children, there are certain times and certain individuals that make working on the cold floor of a sausage factory look like a lovely, whine-free alternative. (of course, I'd have to drink a lot of wine on the job because dead animals, raw meat, and casings make me want to throw up on pretty much everything.)
- Lately I've had small children ask me; "Joycie, when are you moving to a NEW house?"
Now, I'm genuinely not about these things, but as with the whining that I mentioned a moment ago, I do reach that critical breaking point of wanting to scream. And not into a pillow after hours.
Upstairs, my butt-ugly pressboard-stuck-together-with-sucky-glue kitchen cupboards are swelling and denting and separating away in that total bliss of the unaware. My red back door has white scratch marks from the damn dog trying to dig her way back into the house. The front roof is growing lovely moss. And the back step? About to crumble into the Manitoba clay. Probably when a mom is coming to drop off their child in my uber child-proofed, entirely safe, but slowly falling apart OLD house.
Downstairs, the kids pick at the open-ended bottoms of the NEWLY dry-walled walls and show me; "LOOK JOYCIE! I FOUND CHALK!" Trust me, the patience of Job, plus some deep-breathing techniques are pre-requisites for the job.
Do I sound gloomy? its because I am, a little. Which is the other thing that's bringing me down- the fact that I get down. Gosh, I'm bored of that already. I just want to be OVER IT already and quit with these dips into gloom and doom.
Its a weird crisis somehow connected with my first ever daughter becoming an adult. She turned out really well, so its not that I have regrets, exactly. But I do, still. And I am hovering in this super weird panic place about all the "better" ways that I should parent the other three who haven't reached grown-up status quite yet. But I don't change, I only stew. And sew. And stew. And worry. Did I mention that I"m tired of my head?
Except my hair, which I cut short.
So, at least my brain of very little bear has a cutish place to hang out beneath.
- Shipping in Canada is very expensive. I remembered this yesterday when I shipped two bags4darfur and paid out almost $34.00. It's actually less dollars to ship something from here to the U.S. than to send something just into the next province.
- I really like children at quiet time. Sitting and watching "George Shrinks", I study their little faces. So trusting, forgiving. And everything still ahead of them. This frightens me sometimes.
- Last weekend our town ran the fifth (?) annual Imagine marathon for mental health. Every year I plan to walk five or ten kilometers in support, but I always land up waving a flag and directing runner traffic instead. I like this job. I love to see how many shapes, sizes, varieties, and people groups can participate in this run. There are people all decked out in running room and Lulu Lemon stuff. Then there are the people from Crystal Springs, a nearby Hutterite colony. The women run and walk in their long dresses, head coverings and runners. The young men run in black jeans, suspenders, and dress shirts. Young girls walk with their friends. Little boys in suspendered pants hold their daddy's hands. And they all walk together.
This year I also saw a number of "dayhome grads" from years past. Running to support mental health.
This usually throws me headlong into a full case of clinical depression and self-flagellation when I remember that I forgot about my own children and they got left at home.
Playing video games.
I'm not one of those moms who forgets to put herself "into the equation". I'm the one who forgets to factor in the kids. Woops.
Now I'm going to dredge up some really good things, just for balance.
- After just a lot too much whining this morning, a walk to the park was the only sensible remedy. Everyone was instantly happy. Well, I was at least less irritated, if not exactly happy. I said a little prayer in my head that went something like; "God, I sure could use a nice little interaction. A little pick-me-up, a teensy bit of encouragement..... like from an adult, if that's within the realm of possibility". Now I"m not exactly in a place where I treat God like this any more. I don't usually ask him for much of anything, usually choosing instead to give God credit for the good stuff, and choosing to belief Him for the un-nice stuff. I talk to God about the things he's already into, like pretty much anything that's good. But I don't beg for good weather, or instant healing, (well, I have. But I don't right now), or beg for "a good day". I just think that makes God pocket-sized, and I have plenty of buttons for that.
My outlook on life sunk just a little lower, but we busied ourselves with what was left untampered.
Meanwhile another mom and her kidlets wandered into the park. We introduced ourselves, as we lonely women are wont to do on these quiet daytime adventures with minions of preschoolers in tow.
She was lovely, and easy to talk to, and encouraging.
Now. I"m not going to suggest that God, who is probably busy with Israel, Syria, and the melting icecaps went out of his way to prod another woman and her children out of her house at such and such a time so that she could lift my spirits in the park. But I did meet her, and it was good. So, I say Thank God.
- Second. For all the ways that I feel utterly inadequate as a mother, there are certain things that have been done well in spite of it all. This coming weekend is our annual trek to Riding Mountain National Park to celebrate Thanksgiving; a tradition that my parents began well before I was born. So, for about the 50th time, the Kehlers will be taking a scenic drive northwest, taking in the sights and smells of a beautiful autumn, going on a lot of hikes, eating a large bird, and generally celebrating.
Which makes me even more frustrated that I'm prone to these Eeyore-esque musings.
- In other news, carpeted basements are nice. Even though I'm not at all a fan of carpet.
- And did you know that a heavy duty hinge; needed to hang the ancient doors that I insisted upon, cost $46.00 a piece at Home Depot?
- Some people foster parent. Wow, just wow.