Wednesday, October 08, 2014
I need a warehouse.
A warehouse near my house where I can store rows and rows and stacks of wooden kitchen chairs in chippy blues and beiges. Hutches accented with decals stacked up to the ceiling. Drawer fronts with green glass knobs. Wooden medicine cabinets with warped mirrors and bevelled edges. Rocking chairs, stained glass windows, trunks, old sewing machine cabinets, chrome chairs and tables, church pews.
Real hardwood floors.
Real kitchen cupboards.
A row of checkered and floral men's bow ties arranged vertically on the dining room wall. (oh wait- Got That!)
I need a dishwasher that works on all the settings- not just "china". I don't really have china, unless you count the ecclectic collections of lovely old glass bits that I don't store in my warehouse because I don't have one.
I need a kitchen without holes in the walls. Plus a new paint job.
I need a bathroom that doesn't double as a laundry room, a walk-in closet, a pet center, and a dump. I also need that horrible green color to GO AWAY. I need a vanity that isn't warped from an under the sink leak that's gone unattended for only around ten years.
I need cleaning staff.
I need a deck!
For eleven long years, I put up with the Ugliest Deck In The World. I endured promises and predictions and plastic lattice. This spring I watched in immeasurable joy as the deck was sliced away from the house.
The problems. The papers, and permits and phone calls and waiting.
I can't speak of it, in fear of triggering repressed emotion and memory.
Suffice to say that its OCTOBER-FREAKING-EIGHT and I don't have a deck. You can't hardly expect me to be happy. "Joycie no happy", as the day kids delight to say.
To really be complete, I need my own workshop. A place with plenty of natural and unnatural lighting, shelves of colored fabrics, and my seven sewing machines all set up in a row. I need huge, blank walls on which to pin inspirational quotes, pages out of favorite books, swatches of vintage everything, old clocks, embroidered kitty cats in frames, giant old mirrors, and glass cuboards procured off kijiji for $40- or less.
I need to stop craving multi-grain cheerios, slabs of pumpkin pie (ever), homemade bread with crunchy peanut butter, and all food in general. So I can get back to my birthweight and lose the weird bulgy belly thingie that turning 40-something has produced.
I need a car. Something like the chevette that I drove in my twenties with the broken off stick shift and the hole in the gas tank that only allowed me to fill in $5- at a time. Back when $5- could get you out of your driveway. The one that couldn't go through puddles because the water would get into the hole in the gas tank and I would stall in the busiest intersection of Winnipeg at rush hour. Okay. So maybe not all those dramatic things, but I need that general feeling of youth and optimism that driving an impossible car provides.
I need three pendant lights from many perusals through many thrift shops in rural Manitoba. I need them hung in a cluster in my living room, and the husband willing to do it and tolerate it.
Right. Got that. Whew.
I need a door handle not slathered in duct tape. But not until I retire in ten or more years, ever since that incident when I went to the garage for a loaf of bread and the tinies locked me out of the house, and then went downstairs to line up on the couch and watch cartoons where they couldn't hear me knocking on the door. Ever since then.
I also needed baseboards in my kitchen. It had only been eleven years, so it wasn't particularly troubling to me that I didn't have any. But this summer when Brian wasn't building the deck that we don't have- he built baseboards! Its almost enough to make me happy and complete forever. almost.
Except that I need a haircut. And color.
I need pants without butt crack, and dresses. I only have twenty-five dresses. I need a kitten. My cats aren't kittens any more, they're all worn out of kitten hood and it just isn't right. I need my dog to stop loving me so much and to quit following me all-the-freaking-everywhere. Its annoying and makes me feel like I could never possibly ever be enough to fill her bottomless doggie tank.
I also need help parenting. My kids are amazing, what with their disinterest in suicide bombing, dating, bush parties, intravenous drugs, sleeve tattoos, witchcraft, appearances, and expensive running shoes. But still. They're likely full of all kinds of endless, bottomless potential that I have squandered with my most prolific answer to pretty well all their questions since they first arrived- "I don't know". And then, more recently- "I don't know- go ask The Googles". Recently it came to my attention that my son, aged 16, didn't know how to release the seal on a jar of home-canned salsa. I mean- what kind of mother does he have?
I need to stop having the dream where I'm at the airport with too many bags and parcels and suitcases, largely held together with packing tape from Dollarama but I've lost my plane ticket, passport, and wallet. That dream always leaves me feeling unsettled, like maybe possibly I'm lost in this life. It has to stop.
I need passion to return to my living. For more than a year now, I've not sewn. more than a year. Can we fathom this? only with difficulty. Meanwhile the UNHCR sends me pictures of moms trying to feed their children, I read a little about Syria (being a bear of very little brain, I read, but much of it looks like blah-blah-politics-geography-blah to my itty bitty blob of grey matter). I've recently read three books on the Holocaust and was struck with nightmarish clarity that people are still living lives that are utterly lacking in kindness, clean water, and nutrition while I sit here and sip my strong, hot coffee and scarf back cheerios and pumpkin pie as though I were the only person in the universe.
And then I read "I Am Malala" and because it was written by a fifteen year old girl, it mostly went over my head- I couldn't understand three quarters of the politics outlined inside. I got the part about her being shot through the eye by the Taliban for having passion and meaning and for tirelessly advocating for girls' education. Which reminded me that one's life should be lived with passion and meaning. Which is what I need- to be complete.
But I don't have a vintage, turquoise colored boler in my back yard with a cute little patio in front of it and some old metal lawn chairs. Which makes passion pretty darned tough to come by. I don't have chickens either. No chickens at all, except the big frozen ones in my deep freezer. I don't even have lulu lemon yoga pants. All the cool kids have them, and I don't have any. I don't want them, but that's not relevant here.
Some days, I don't even have patience. Or a warehouse. I barely even have two cats, a furry bunny, a bright yellow cupboard and chippy blue shelf.
It's pretty obvious that a lot of things are going to have to come down the pike.
Before I can be happy. Or complete.
Or even, completely happy.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
It happens to me sometimes- an insistent thought that pesters me into mobility. Even in the quiet, coffee fuelled space of a sacred Sunday morning.
I haven't gone to church with my parents for about twenty-five years or more.
But this morning, I got that urge. So I made my way to the Kehlers to find mom's Sunday shoes waiting by the door. Dad had on his grey wool suit and asked mom twice if he had written a cheque to the church yet this month? He told me that his legs weren't working this morning, and when he wasn't looking, mom told me he refused to use his walker and that he wouldn't stop eating tomatoes.
I didn't mean to, but a few tears rolled down my cheeks when mom asked- why do you come to Steinbach for church when you have a church in your own town? And I told her- I thought it was "A God Thing". Which is what I say when I get the weird urges to do these things. But I was crying too for dead babies, and old dads who get tottery and forgetful, and the impossibility of it all.
Then dad asked mom- "Where'd I put the cheque book?" and I thought about my dignified dad whose worst fear was becoming a burden, losing his mind, and losing his body.
We were early for church, which we drove two blocks down the street to and parked in handicap zone right in front of the door to wait for the church to empty from German service. Dad asked- where did we regularly attend church? I paused and said- we're not so regular, dad. And I sighed but no more tears leaked down.
The message was about the sign of the beast and fire breathing dragons and there was some mention of Robin Williams dying because even though he had it all, there was some unbearable emptiness left in him that couldn't be filled.
I suddenly felt terribly, terribly tired.
In the afternoon, I went to church again.
There were songs and words and a lot of tears.
And there wasn't a single word that could really fill that unbearable emptiness.
Outside, the sun shone impossibly warm and the trees dropped lively orange onto the green grasses. Two babies tottered across the parking lot crying "Mo? Mo?" and eating their mama's offerings like baby birds.
While my old dad looked around for his cane, and his tomatoes, and his chequebook.
Monday, September 15, 2014
I love choosing a mountain of wooly sock and sweater goodness in anticipation of the Harvest Moon Festival.
We will be chasing the chill all weekend in our long underwear.
In perfectly toasty footwear.
I love tucking all my chins into my friend's shoulder for the celebratory road trip up to Clearwater. It'll be the last time in a while that we will see any of our skin bare.
Our bed is spread with munchie snacks and tastey sips. Occasionally we make the "honk, honk!" semi truck arm salute to the men miles ahead of us behind the steering wheel.
It's always wise to pack the spare key.
We are headed towards spontaneous dance parties.
and toasty campfires.
High end 6 Star sleeping accomodations.
The water drum and costco granola drums never sounded so good.
Even the dogs are compelled to sing.
People think we're telling big, bold lies when we talk about how much fun we had camping in four degrees. But we weren't defying premature winter so much as we were celebrating life, all bundled in socks, and moccs and curling into one another.
On this harvest moon.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
My summer treasure- five vintage metal lawn chairs.
Summer solstice party.
Gellato from the grocery store in St Pierre.
Graduating sweet Jane from high school. I can't quite believe that there are only two school supply lists for this fall.
Volunteering on the grad decor committee with this bunch of creative and fun loving folks.
Having both my girls home to enjoy it with.
Which is when a normal family might pose for Christmas card pics.
Seeing my garden come back to life. That never gets old.
Attending the epic dance party of the-- well, of Forever.
Thanks for retiring, Hank. Could you maybe do that again next year? That was the most fun I've had in forever.
Watching Brian disassemble the deck that I've hated for eleven years now.
Thrifting for treasures.
Patio drinks and long city walks with friends.
Breakfast at the Forks
And dinner on the patio at Carlo's and Murphy's with one of my best besties.
Taking Sam to the races.
Pickerel and lemon potatoes with greek salad.
Strawberry picking with mom. She's only 88.
Camping with my sisters.
It might have been fun.
And hot, glorious and relaxing.
Sprucing up the house.
Checking in on the folks, and cutting their grass real stealthy like so that they won't have a chance to tell me not to.
Shopping for treasure with my girls.
Celebrating my sister's new job at The Forks.
The Medieval Festival at Cook's Creek. Wow. Just wow.
These belly dancers brought tears to my eyes. They were incredibly powerful and beautiful.
Watching Brian in his boy band at the Altona Sunflower festival.
Free swimming for Sam, who had the pool to himself for the first hour.
Free rollkuchen and watermelon and a petting zoo.
And a very lonely lady trying to sell products from Passion Party. Everyone avoided her tent like it was on fire, but I suspect her phone was ringing off the hook after they all went home.
Hanging out with my kitty.
Bunny sitting for Arianna, and chilling with Jane's.
A very special visit from a friend from Capernwray, circa 1986.
Shared with the dog, fireside.
Took in Grand Beach.
And the Mennonite Heritage Museum.
With their fifty shades of grey
And the borscht and bread.
(I'd really like a "schlope bank")
Brian spoiled us rotten and chubby.
Sweet Chilliwack Rose, you make me happy. Do come again.
I'll even share my favourite hair stylist with you again.
Steinbach parade with my mama.
Remembering all dad's years operating the steam engine.
August long at my bro's cabin.
Unbelievably, we managed to get dad there for a day. There are a great many stairs down to the cabin and dad seems to have worn out his legs. But he's still stubborn, and that helps a lot.
Street party at Higgins and Main. Truly a summer highlight for me.
It's giving me stuff to think about for a long time.
Taking dirt roads, because you have no reason not to.
Stopping to listen to the sounds the ditches make in August.
Hosting the in-laws for supper and laughing at grandma H take us all down with her shrewd hotel buying ways.
Bringing in the harvest. (Why do Manitobans lock their cars and houses in August? Because. Zucchini season.)
Then- gathering up the school supplies.
Welcoming the littles back in.
(Thank goodness that Sam is around to help)
And last, but certainly not least- celebrating one entire year of going to the gym.
I'm sitting here, looking out my window at all the green, and bits of red where a tomato begs to be picked. There's a sunflower about to bust out, and my scarlet runner bean plant still boasts burst of flower. The grass is lush, the Ash is swaying in the breeze. I play this little game with myself sometimes in winter- I look out the window and try to imagine a green world. It always seems entirely impossible. And now in green world, I"m looking out and trying to imagine white. I don't want to, its not fun.
In not a very long time, the calendar is going to flip to 2015.
This year I'm hoping to concentrate on my parents, who are suddenly old.
The littles who come to my house to be loved and wiped and cared for and cuddled.
My boys, who will be my last two local students.
My heart, which looks around for God everywhere, and sees inspiring things.
My body, which I will continue to take to what has become one of my favourite places, and I'm not even making that up.
This year I will try again to live an intentional life, and even wait expectantly to see how that might look.
Summer- you've been so good to me.