Identity Theft

Checking up on a few of my favourite invisible people this morning, I came across this set of words:

"So I will be kinda like Joyce, with the exception that she knows how to knit. OH! And she also looks great with short hair. But other then those 2 minor incidentals, we will be nearly the same. (Job wise, anyhow)

"Joyce! What do you do when - 2 kids want the same toy, one wants to go to the bathroom, and one kid is crying for his mama....at the same time?" "

Turns out that Ruth is trying to steal my identity. Oh, it started out innocently enough, with little things that one could easily overlook. But I really started to get frightened when she shaved her head, and she only pretended that she'd had head lice. (or have I paraphrased that a little, and she actually got lice while being a missionary to children, kept loving the chidren, and kept her hair long? Anyhow, those are just trivial details, really). Then she went ahead and had the bold-faced nerve to ask me to learn her how to knit. With sharp, impalable instruments. Shocking, but not at all made up.

NOW, she plans on running a little daycare operation on the side. (did I mention the sharp instruments?) Wow.

So, Ruth, I know what you did last summer. I'm on to you. I've got my eye on you. I've got your number. I've just now run out of cliches.

But I'll be the bigger man. (mostly since I've not been running for about a year now, and I REALLY like nacho chip layered dips.... but I digress). What you want to know is how to share toys, and how to otherwise split your body in 5 or 6 equally portioned pieces? The moment the children enter your home, you duct tape potties to their precious little behinds. They double nicely as booster seats for snack time and in no time, you'll find your toilet training woes behind you. (well, more like behind them, but I think you follow).

Toys: All you really need is a couple of cats, and an assortment of fly swatters, available at most dollar stores for an affordable price. I find this encourages exercise, cooperation, strategy, and teaches some of the necessary building blocks for early education. You can: Count the swatters. Discuss colours. (What colour is kitty with one of auntie Ruth's knitting needles imbedded in her furry little paw?)

If you follow the first two suggestions diligently, you will find no need to deal with homesick babes. They will be so busy running about and swatting, screaming with joy, that even if one of them is actually crying; "mama, mama!!", you're not likely to discipher it over the din.

Best of luck Ruth.
You can steal my identity, because, believe me-- there are days when I really wish someone would.