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Monday, October 31, 2011

From The Creepy File



When I'm feeling blue or bored, I love to spend time on such internet vehicles as pinterest ; craftgawker, etsy, stumbleupon,dwellinggawker, apartment therapy and even kijiji.

I'm amazed at the creativity out there.

But sometimes; inexplicably, I'm troubled. Creeped-out, even. Possibly enraged and anxious at some bizarre artistic level.

So please.

Do not photograph innocent barely born humanoid babies in questionable elements such as: flowers, (especially sunflowers), nests, tree branches (even facsimiles of the same), acorn-shaped items, pea costumes, wooden bowls, old tin cans, pumpkins, eggs, terra cotta pots, or driftwood. Please place babies into soft sleepers, then wrap them in flannelette blankies, and cradle them in your arms. You'll be glad you did.

Do not. Take a sweater that was obscenely ugly in the first place, then haul it down around your waist, and pretend its a skirt. A sweater is not a skirt. never was. never should be. And those pom poms? Give your head a shake.

Besides. How many women do you know who have the type of hips that enable them to pull their sweater down over them and prance around like santa's little helpers? Creepy. And just plain wrong on many, many levels.

Don't write on your kids banana before packing it into their school lunch. That's just wrong. When you put a banana into a paper bag alongside a ham sandwhich, you will have banana-infused-ham-and-cheese shortly after heading out the back door. Doodling on the fruit merely adds insult to injury. It must be stopped.

The pencil carving. This is brilliant, but it creeps me out. I hate to think of the artist in his poorly lit studio slaving away on his intricate pencil carvings and slowly losing his precious eyesight. Besides. What does he do when, 15 hours into carving a heart shape out of the top of a pencil, it suddenly snaps?

These things are easily prevented, and cause unnecessary stress to many innocent bystanders.

Now I've told you, and now you know.

Leave creepy to Halloween, and the rest of the year do something awesome instead.

5 comments:

Rosa said...

I don't think the pencil guy drinks coffee.

Anonymous said...

Aw...I used to always write on my hubby's bananas....L-lew

Heather said...

LMAO! I seriously agree with you on the newborn photography these days.....it seems like whoever can think of the most strange place to put a baby ends up with an award winning picture!!?

btw - sorry about uncle bill and uncle bob's raunchy feet! a pair of wallace barefeet in a cheap pair of Joe boots = permanent stink!

joyce said...

pencil guy- do you ever speculate about his/her personality? I don't think we'd get along.

llew- you're just way nicer to your people. Maybe you should scribble on all of Bigway's bananas while you're at it.

H- those people just don't love their babies. Babies= sleepers= true love.
And. poopy bum always trumped stinky feet. Bill and bob don't poop their pants, therefore I've never noticed their feet. One did pee on me once.... but it didn't smell bad at all!

jenn said...

I totally get the baby thing. weird. But, if those were my thighs, I would totally wear that skirt.