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Friday, December 28, 2012

She Whines and Yawns

Seems a bit early for the blues; not even January yet.

Although I'd swear on a stack of Geneen Roth: Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating books that all my clothes have become obsolete due to my unbearable girth, the truth is that I've gained a single pound. One. Not that I would weigh myself- that would be anti- Geneen all the way. But I may have inadvertently fallen against the scale on my way to showering my folds and skin flaps in the wee hours of this morning. I may have peered furtively past my multiple chins and burgeoning thighs, holding my breath in sheer horrified dread, expecting the scale to blow into shards of metal, tiny numerals flying upward, airborn by the sheer force of me.

So when the scale failed to register my failure as a human being, I'd hoped my feeling of malaise and general, all over "you suck, loser" would drown in my multiple cups of shiny black coffee. I began to search the archives of my unreliable brain for more reasons to suck with some authenticity. Lots of things came up, but they weren't new, or true enough to really swallow, genuinely disastrous, or even particularly interesting.

Still, I have the blues. My eyes burn and ears ring and I feel exhausted, even though I'm not low on sleep. I'm not stressed out or over committed, so there's no point in thinking that Christmas mania brought this on. We had zero concerts to attend this year- Not actually making it to church about 75 Sundays in a row meant no church program (the kids are grown out of that stage by now anyway-- the pagaent part- not the "you should take your kids to church" part). There was no elementary school Christmas concert because somehow while I was sleeping and worrying about sucking, Sam grew up. We missed Brian's work party because of his catering commitments, and I don't have a staff party since every day is a party at my work. We did attend three parties over the holidays, and they were the good variety, not the obligatory types. So, nothing to whine about there either.

The house is warm, and although the fridge freezer is steadily leaking watery frozen bits into the fridge and occasionally freezing my celery, we've had no major appliances break down, no transmissions burst on a highway in minus thirty seven billion, no children wandered off into traffic. We've suffered zero divorces this year, our parents are all still alive, and our offspring are not in trouble with the law. (to our knowledge, that is) Our jobs are intact, we've not suffered through a tsunami, earthquake, house fire, or random act of violence.

So clearly, asking "why?" is of little logical value. This defies logic.

And that's kind of depressing, really.

Kind of makes me wonder if a nap and a snack of chocolate almonds, Grandma's papanate, a mimosa, some bailey's and reindeer mix would be the perfect remedy?

'Cuz I seem to be clear out of valium and nobody in my neighbourhood is offering electric shock therapy.



Periwinkle Dzyns said...

It's the lack of day light hours for me, maybe you too?
cheer up butter cup, spring is just around the corner :)

joyce said...

Yes, Brian reminds me that I go through this every winter (although it's been known to hit me in summer, in spring, and in fall as well......*sigh*)

Super annoying in any case.

Judy said...

I've got that too. Whatever it is.
Soon I just may have to give in to the simple fact that my life just feels like this, pretty much all the time.
I'm grateful for what I have and know that I am blessed. I just generally do not feel it. What I generally feel is tired. And overwhelmed. Strangely enough, I don't ever feel fat. Even though I really truly am. I guess that's a blessing. Isn't it? Or is it further proof that I am not particularly bright?

bygeorge! said...

well, in 24 hours i am offering giggle therapy, and a 9 volt battery that i think we can improvise for some shock therapy treatment!

joyce said...

Judy. Greatest commenter in the world. So glad you put down those words.... I worry when I write honestly about the state of my brain that people will try to reassure me, or think I need some affirmation or something. I know my brain is crazy. Its exhausting, familiar, tiresome and utterly in opposition to the reality that is my life and circumstance. So when you get it, and offer me some words about what its like living with your brain, I feel a deep sense of relief.

I also find it fascinating and liberating that you don't suffer from fat feelings. I guess I thought the whole western world grappled with this, what with the pressures, the advertising, the diet propoganda, and the abundance of cheap, calorie laden food. So I feel happy and hopeful that not everyone suffers from this!! (really). I don't think its a reflection of not-bright-ness, but rather hope of relief that not all of us have all the same demons relentlessly pursuing us.

Is there a cure, Judy? Do you keep hoping for one, searching for one? It sounds as though you lean towards acceptance. I'm in the middle of grappling and exploring and questioning. And wishing that I knew of a truly good, affordabble, insightful therapist.....

Being honest about it always helps me, even though its scary because I tend to worry about being misunderstood and people hating me for being hopelessly introspective. So maybe its time for an announcement? If you hate me, then please go away because you're stressing me out and I do that well enough all on my own steam. If you judge me, shake your head at me, and wish I would "just get over it and count my blessingsf", then please go away also. Or do some reading on mental illness and learn that I HATE BEING LIKE THIS AND WOULD LOVE TO MAKE IT GO AWAY. Probably go with the "educate yourself" option. Much of the brain battered world will thank you.

Ok, moving on.
GEORGE!!!!! Super happy, really, that we can laugh tomorrow. That's seriously the best medicine I could imagine.
I feel better now Thanks, friends. (plus Brian said a crap tonne of "the right things" this morning. wow.)

brenda said...

There is truly nothing helpful to say except this, "Joycie, please don't change! We absolutely LOVE YOU just the way your are!!

Judy said...

All I know is that if there were a cure, I probably couldn't afford it.
I'm just thankful that I am surrounded by funny little people who make me laugh. They also make me TIRED, but as long as I can laugh I feel that SOMETHING must be right.
Happy New Year to you and keep on writing!