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Monday, May 27, 2013

Observations of an Idle Mind And Other Pointless Trivia

The camping culture is really weird if you sit around and think about it for a while. Our homes are too complicated and cluttered to relax in, and too full of computers and dishwashers and laundry facilities to create an uncluttered space. So we buy expensive homes on wheels, hitches for our vehicles, portable barbecues, bike racks, pie irons, special chairs, tables, blankets and things to keep our food clean and cold.

Then we drive great distances and park these houses in lots with neighbours roughly four inches away on each side.

So that we can relax.

And get away from it all.


Elderly people tell the same stories and questions over and over again. That must be indicative of their biggest worries, regrets, and reliefs in life.

I'm already plagued with repetitive dreams, so I can't wait to be old and bore everyone with my worries and obsessions. Out loud.


Sometimes I judge people based on what kinds of breakfast foods they buy. Frozen, prepackaged french toast and pancakes? really? Cereal in unnatural colours with marshmallows? When I want to eat trash, I'll buy trash. Not trash disguised as food. My favourite trash food? That white cheddar popcorn. If I'd ever tried crack, I would tell you that it was like that. But I wouldn't know.


I like spring.

Really, really like. My hands get rough and dry from digging around in the dirt and clearing out the old leaves and dead branches as I replace it all with new, optimistic flowers and veggies. Nothing like it.

I bought a phone cover off ETSY. It's not possible to describe to you how many times and how inappropriately loudly I have laughed while I study my new phone case. Likely its indicative of my fragile mental health. I"m okay with that.

Did I mention that I love spring?

I love yard sales in spring, shopping with an awesome friend who laughs really loudly at all my jokes, and buying the ugliest ever kitschy poster-sized cat clock for my daughter for two bucks.

There seriously is nothing more fun than laughing my way through a Saturday with a pocket-full of loonies, and unearthing very affordable treasures in friendly people's garages. Did I mention drinking coffee, eating yard sale platz, and cinnamon almonds, and parking illegally? Its so grand.

In fact, sometimes you go into a garage, and suddenly you've been transported to an entirely different realm. The host may even invite you inside to look at her zebra rug.

I didn't want to see her rug. Not even at all.

You might find those scented shoe laces you've been looking for. Cuz who doesn't love doing deep knee bends to smell your friend's shoes? It's all the rage- all the cool kids are doing it.


"Dirt cheap" is an outdated saying. I know that because I just spent ten bucks on four measly bags of dirt. Dirt bags. Then again, manicures are expensive too, and I never get those because I prefer ten dollar dirt under my fingernails. It smells great and its organic.

Hostas prefer sunshine and warmth before they want to stick their leaves up from underneath the ground. Rhubarb, on the other hand, is very cheerful, and pops up at the very mention of spring. Rhubarb reminds me of my childhood on the farm, living barefoot in the dirt, pulling out a stalk of rhubarb to dip into a bowl of sugar and crunch on at the picnic table.

I don't get the big uproar over cupcakes. Cupcakes bug me. The buzz about cupcakes bugs me. Want a good treat? Try a quarter pounder Reese peanut butter cup. I saw one at the gas station while I was garage sale-ing. I didn't buy it because I made the human error of looking at the nutritional information, saw the calorie count, did the math, and then exited stage left. But I'm completely confident that one quarter of a pound of chocolate and peanut butter would blow the socks off a cupcake with artery clog icing.

Not everyone should wear yoga pants. Yoga pants are tight, and technically they were designed to do yoga in. I have a lot more to say about that, but I wouldn't like myself if I went on about it. Beside. Now you're picturing me in yoga pants, just because I said no to the peanut butter cup, and you have an entirely inaccurate mental picture going on. Suffice to say, I wear pj pants.

And, finally. You can never have enough turquoise coloured vintage dishes.

I know this because I have too many, and I still want more.

Happy Monday, friends. I remember a time when I had things to say. It's a good thing that I wrote them down at the time.




janice said...

This is why I love you. You make me laugh.

Your garage-full-of-heads photo reminds me of my black-humour answer when people ask me if I am allowed dogs in my new place: 'No, but I found a great taxidermist.'

mmichele said...

I don't garage sale, though I used to like to... but if you ever, ever EVER come across a jackalope for less than $50 please pick it up for me. I will pay. I promise.

Of course I'd like it for less than $5 but it would be a very precious find.

joyce said...

Dead or alive- do you have a preference?

"Reportedly, jackalopes are extremely shy unless approached. Legend also has it that female jackalopes can be milked as they sleep belly up and that the milk can be used for a variety of medicinal purposes.[4] It has also been said that the jackalope can convincingly imitate any sound, including the human voice. It uses this ability to elude pursuers, chiefly by using phrases such as "There he goes! That way!" During days of the Old West, when cowboys gathered by the campfires singing at night, jackalopes could often be heard mimicking their voices.[5] It is said that a jackalope may be caught by putting a flask of whiskey out at night. The jackalope will drink its fill of whiskey and its intoxication will make it easier to hunt.[citation needed] In some parts of the United States it is said that jackalope meat has a taste similar to lobster. However, legend has it that they are dangerous if approached. It has also been said that jackalopes will only breed during electrical storms including hail, explaining its rarity."

I think I"ll actually wait until the next thunderstorm to go yard sale-ing. I'd rather catch a few during mating season.

bygeorge! said...

Laughing a lot.
and missing you.
but, seriously, I don't get the phone cover.
on this, we diverge.
more boler than babe

janice said...

I presume you are out Jackalope hunting, since you have been MIA for nearly a month now. Hope you got one for mmichele.

joyce said...

I can't stinking believe that. Strangely enough, I started a post this morning. who knows- I may even get it done today, between cleaning the carpet and taking the camper to get fixed.

I'll be 80 before I know it....