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Friday, December 29, 2006

Holiday Melancholy

I've written and deleted three posts.
Its not the holidays that makes me melancholy.

There's this red, gaping ugliness inside of me that I can't seem to file. Don't know what to do with it, can't make it nice. A nice glass of wine doesn't help me forget it. Internal lectures and pep talks don't touch it. The children seem to exacerbate it, magnify it, poke sticks at it. Old coping tools seem to irritate it. Smooth, or chocolatey textures on the tongue slide past it. Saggy roles encase it.

Geneen Roth would say to simply Feel it. But I seem to be in a foreign country and I haven't learned the language.

I seem to have misplaced my manuel. Or missed that lecture. Or just don't get it.

Anne Lamott's favourite prayer may coincide with it.
("HELP!")

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

I've been to that country, and the natives are NOT friendly.

I wish you peace.

Judy - www.judyh58.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I wish I had Judy's knack for saying something funny or the knack for writing a deep meaningful sympathetic comment - I don't...

I know a place like it...

I always try to cram it full of food - perhaps that is why I am so blooming fat.

Anonymous said...

I'll come and sit beside you to keep you company on the journey back to a happier place if that's alright. You'll have to share your biscuits though x

it's a gong show... said...

I'm afraid I'm a delegate for the country that you speak of and seem to not know how to leave it either. Just try and ride the waves because there is a light at the end of the tunnel...sometimes it is so dim that we don't see it at first but it is there...

B

andrea said...

What you need is a holiday in a warm climate. Or a massage. Or a gourmet meal. (I'll join you in all three. Who can we get to bankroll us?) Or just to get back to the routine. The kids know that my favourite day of the year is Jan 1st! Hang in there, J.

Joyce said...

Geneen Roth would speak of simply "staying with yourself" and feeling the feelings. Its so simple, and so terribly difficult.
its what I need to do, and like it or not, you're along for the ride. Sorry, Cherry pie, no biscuits, since my old weight-obsessed ghosts have had life breathed back into them. It seems that mass amounts of undefinable, vague sadnesses and stress can bring almost any evil back to life. I am trying to engage my mind, and recognize these as patterns not to be feared, but to be explored and recognized. If I don't do that, then the ghost of condemnation and self-hatred takes over nearly the entire mind, and things go further down the trail of illness and fear.

Anonymous said...

I'm having a day as well, it seems many of us are in the same boat. My stresses and worries are rearing their ugliness. I've asked them to stay away until 5:00 when they can be properly addressed. They aren't always good listeners though.
Thinking of you,
-H

lettuce said...

You express it so well for someone who "doesn't know the language". Sometimes I think all that can be done is to try and remember and believe that there will be a time and a day when you'll feel better, and things will be better, and you'll still be there and still yourself. Sometimes in the meantime, there isn't anything to be done but hold on to that hope.

But sometimes maybe its ok to be not ok? so long as there are others to hold you.


... risk of rambling and rubbish now, I'll go. But will be thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Your just not drinking enough wine : )....actually I've been down that road a few too many times, myself...hang in there..."this too shall pass" or as my mother used to say..."daut voat sick noch aulla schekka"(IT'LL ALL WORK OUT WITH TIME)...amazing how those words have helped me through many a tough time...enjoy your posts very much....lindalew

Ruth said...

Love you Joyce.

Anonymous said...

I'm attempting to sneak out right now. If I make it, I'll share my route with you.

Don't think it's gonna happen 'til the in-laws go home however. :|

Lucy Kruze said...

Joyce I think I'm traveling thru that foriegn country as well maybe we can be travel companions or at the very least if I find my manuel and compass and map of the land I will share if you promise to share any tools that help you navigate thru the hills and valleys. Maybe feeling it and settling into the void is all that we can ever do to over come it. Please be well and may you find your way back to more familiar ground soon. Lucy

Anonymous said...

Hope 2007 dawns bright for you, Joyce x

lettuce said...

still thinking of you....

wishing you everything good for 2007.