There Are Times When A Little Bit of Phoney Would Come In Handy

Then when devoted mothers came to drop off their beloved babes early in the morning and they make the silly mistake of saying; "Are you feeling better?" Then, maybe I would know how to say something culturally appropriate. Something like: "Great, thanks- How are you?"; or "Fine, JUST Fine." Or, even if I could just smile demurely and reach greedily for their little cherubs.

But Noooooooooooooo. Nope, when a smartly dressed business woman delicately sets down her fragile offspring inside my showroom quality mudroom, then asks me how I am feeling, I tell the truth!

"no. I'm not better. The stomach cramps have developed into diahrea that makes me poop through the eye of a needle on the quarter of every sixty minutes. The vague pain at the top of my head has unleashed a torrent of nasal discharge and the kind of sinus pain that makes you wish you could suck the mucous out of your own head with a bendy straw. And the weakness! INTOLERABLE. You know, I dropped a twenty pound bag of flour on the hamster yesterday, its just too much weight for me to handle right now. I simply don't have the strength. And did I mention the gas?! Zowee!! I had the kids at the thrift shop and we nearly cleared the place out! Wow. I must have dead stuff in my large intestine.

But don't you worry! I am totally hypo-viral-genic. Your kids can't catch any of this stuff from me. On the other hand, they could get Brian's eye infection, or Micah's ear infection, or Arianna's violent stomach flu.....

Well, okay. So, I may have paraphrased that part about farting and nasal discharge, and pooping just a little. Only a very little though.

At any rate, on top of feeling a little tired, drippy, and stinky, I now have my guilt to contend with. Imagine. Sending a poor, vulnerable mother into her workplace after she entrusted her little angel into the care of a crusty, pale green caregiver.

Tomorrow:
Must find lipstick.
Must apply. (to lips)
Must learn to lie a little.