It's funny (strange; not hardy har) that when life goes along swimmingly in a positive direction, it automatically triggers its equal and opposite emotional reaction. Have things gone beyond my expectation, hopes, or fantasies? So far, Yes! The support (moral and financial) for the project has been pouring in. Such beautiful support. Such good people all around. So, why do I feel so sad? (while simultaneously feeling overjoyed...)
It's that darned emotional plunger again. Whenever it plumbs the depths of my emotional pit, it drags up great clots of other emotions that I'd sometimes prefer remained undisturbed. The great blobby, messy tears that spill out after an experience of sheer exhileration. The feelings of inadequacy. The desire to hide, while simultaneously wanting to shout aloud in the highways and biways and live life large; not small. But can I do it? When will the gig be up? When will I be pulled up short by my humanity? And who cares? I wish I didn't. I really wish I didn't care.
Perhaps the most sobering aspect of something going well is the fullblown recognition that the parts that were going not-so-well remain unchanged. Kind of like thinking that a boob job will fix your lovelife and then discovering that your husband still really doesn't like you. That the sink still leaks. The the socks still stink. That the nice firm boobs make your butt look jiggley.
I imagine the treatment for all these sad emotions getting dragged up is to simply feel them. Not try to hurry too much for resolution. I think it is healthy to let all this stuff bubble to the surface. I think it needs recognition. But wouldn't it be wonderful to one day move entirely away from guilt and condemnation, and to just simply.... Be? To embrace one's rightful place in this world and use all this energy for love and social change?
At any rate, this much I know. Time keeps passing relentlessly. I think I'd still like to work at being brave and live a full life, making mistakes and likely disappointing people all along the way than to lay down quietly and wait to die.
5 comments:
Joyce I was a fabulous workshop on Sat. regarding emotions by Janice Hirst -- oh so helpful -- Next time I hear about her being somewhere, want to come?
Marshkies ...God had given us emotions for a reason -- it's ok to feel them -- but we need healthy boundries so we feel them porportionatly to what we should..
To embrace one's rightful place in this world and use all this energy for love and social change?
I can SO relate to this Joyce. Just know that you ARE making a difference in this world and that there are A LOT of people very proud of you for what you are doing. It takes a lot to get off one's butt (jiggly or not :) and do something to make this world a better place and not only that, you are being such an awesome example of what Christ wants us to do.
Love ya!
I agree wholeheartedly with Brandy. Well said.
i like this paragraph, I imagine the treatment for all these sad emotions getting dragged up is to simply feel them. Not try to hurry too much for resolution. I think it is healthy to let all this stuff bubble to the surface. I think it needs recognition. But wouldn't it be wonderful to one day move entirely away from guilt and condemnation, and to just simply.... Be? To embrace one's rightful place in this world and use all this energy for love and social change?
i can identify with what you are saying.
To think that you Joyce now have a chapter in BC where "bags for Zaza" now operates...you are an inspiration. Roselle
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