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Thursday, September 23, 2010

Isn't Home Making Just the BEST?

I cleaned the toilet today.

And washed the bathroom floor. On hands and knees, real proper like.


Oh, the frantic pace of repetitive boredom.

It's making me consider throwing myself all ThelmaandLouise into some sort of manic mid-life crisis. But, I'm too worried that no one would have clean clothes to wear, or batteries for the remote.
Who would.... change the furnace filter? Put twenty-four pairs of shoes backontheshelfinthecloset fifty times a day and still trip over the other thirty pairs? Who would sort the mail, pay the bills on time, and make boring Monday to Friday suppers? Who would remind boys to shower, read the myriad of papers that come home from school, find the winter mitts, book the campsites? Cut the grass, pull the weeds, pick the tomatoes, defrost the meat, dust the surfaces, unclog the vacuum cleaner hose, replace the toothbrushes, de-rust the bathtub, buy the shampoo, scrub the fly poop off the siding, bleach teacups, or de-tangle computer cords?

There's plenty of research to indicate that I'm not the only woman who gets caught up in the insane speed of boredom. There's so much to do. It's never caught up. It's mostly dull.

But then again...Maybe it's better I perpetuate the myth that we just have bad attitudes. From now on, I'm going to be like Velma-Pink-Dress up there and just Be Happy!

Yay! I'm so thin and happy and my counter is never cluttered! We never get fruit flies and I have baseboards! My bangs are just so super, and I love nail polish! Sometimes if I get all my chores done on time, I whip up a pretty new apron for myself!

I'm just so darned glad, I think I'll go and whip up some yummy soybean brownies for the kids! They must be exhausted from all those season premieres! Poor little dears!

(don't you just love excessive exclamation marks? I feel so happy when people put a lot of those pretty marks at the end of all their sentences. And now, I'm making you so happy too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

*this is a cry for help.



Mary K. said...

Man-oh-man, as I read this, it totally resonated with me -- but in my classroom of 29 grade 1s who are literally chasing each other around the classroom,. climbing counters, banging desks, saying things like "You're not the boss of me!" and then singing with me "Be the best best best you can be be be"....... sigh... I think I'll go to sleep so I have energy to do it all over again tomorrow!
Schwester with a head-ache

Anonymous said...

HA! Love it, love it. Especially Velma with the bangs & clean counters and all. Oh my, keep writing sista. Kathy

Judy said...

I've been staring at this "Leave your comment" box for quite some time.

And I've got nothin'.

Today? I made tiny people out of pipe-cleaners.

I thought I'd be out of the 'everybody dies' funk by now, but I'm not and it isn't pretty.

I'm imagining that the second line in my obituary will read like this, "Judy made little people out of pipe-cleaners although no one could ever figure out exactly WHY she did this."

No clue why. None.

joyce said...

oh Mary, Mary. HOw contrary these children are. Wow. Godspeed.

Kathy- go make your own damn dinner.

Hello Judy, precious Judy. You know, from the little bit that I've experienced in this lifetime, the "everybody dies funk" isn't short and sweet.

And now I"M staring at the comment box. Like I wish that pipe cleaner people held the secret healing powers of the universe. Well, maybe they do. Don't you find that when you engage your hands and eyes, you can let your heart and brain "go" for a while?

Except washing bathroom floors with your hands. That just lets your rage out.

I'm coming to your state for coffee this morning. I've always wanted to see your pink bathroom anyway....

Anonymous said...

Bleach teacups???Oh frig, you are downright you Joyce....L-lew

Anonymous said...

No fruit flies.
And she's even got baseboards.

I bet you she doesn't even grow leg hair and her morning breath smells like fresh cut flowers...


That's right, I called her a beach.

janice said...

LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shouting caps AND exclamation marks make me happy. I washed my bathroom floors 2 out of 3 (I really need 3 bathrooms in the house where I live alone with my dogs) with a mop, so they are not nearly as clean as yours. My fruit flies died off since the weather turned to winter in August. I have baseboards - the builders put them there, and I don't do renovations. So there.

The new foster-dog has eaten 6 shoes - only 4 pairs wrecked - because I did not put them away.
My bangs are in my eyes, my hair has 2-month-old artificial colour with grey. I am un-thin, hairy-legged, and have zero pink dresses.

You are a lucky beach.

janice said...

Oh, yeah - I also go to a well-paid job every day where 'There's so much to do. It's never caught up. It's mostly dull.' At least I am well-paid.

it's a gong show... said...

i wonder how the amazing multi tasking multi talented Velma buttons up the back of her beautiful blouse? i bet she doesn't need help with that either. she's Velmazing!

Jules said...

i could NOT have read anything more perfectly suited to my "truly think this may be the beginnings of a diagnosed meltdown" day. thanks joyce for once again helping me realize i'm not the only one in this role called "motherhood" that feels like the perpetual shit is always flinging around because of that stinkin fan called "life".

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

just one more beach raging out on a friday evening...
I want to smile but can't afford the botox.
Boler Beach

Melanie said...

I totally feel this rant! LOL! Especially I love nail polish! Who seriously has the time for nail polish. REALLY? Joyce - I love you. You are so frickin' hilarious even when you seriously telling the truth. I totally GET it.

christine said...

love it.
love it!!!

Lori said...

Oh, I can so relate.

Love your rant, do you feel better now?

Jenn said...

I am not sure if I hate Velma, or if I want to be her.

joyce said...

extremely insightful. I just don't know how I feel about you in short bangs....

Heather said...

haha....didn't I just have this sort of conversation with you yesterday Joycie!? It's my dream to be Velma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!