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Sunday, January 09, 2011

A Non-Comprehensive List Of Things To Never Ask Rose And Joyce To Do

(You are about to read a list of warnings detailing what-never-to-expect of Rosa Rabbit and Re-Joice. These never-before-read notations were painstakingly compiled in the wee hours of the night, one snowy January day amongst the hills of a border town in an undisclosed location. When seeking volunteers for any number of needs in your community, we implore you to please be mindful of the following exceptions to our impressive areas of giftedness.)

  1. Referee a basketball game
  2. or any sort of game.
  3. volunteer as a score keeper at any sot of game. (Yellow ceilings can be very distracting..... Ceilings can be distracting)
  4. To explain the 24 second clock. (it has something to do with a key, or a ball, or taking possession of a home as a firsttime homeowner, or a thingamabobbie having to do with a basket (?)
  5. This involves an explanation to anyone- an outside party, or just ourselves. We totally don't get why a clock that only runs for 30 seconds would be useful in any context at all. Even boiling an egg.
  6. Run. Please never ask us to run in any circumstance. Even in emergencies, please ask us to refrain from running. Or moving quickly.
  7. never ask Rose to have a conversation while there is a television within a twenty-five mile radius. (SQUIRREL!)
  8. Cashier. Never, ever, ever under any circumstance.
  9. Run on a basketball court, while refereeing, as the twenty-four second clock begins to tick.
  10. Work as a bank teller.
  11. OR a waitress. Waitresses are required to: walk quickly, while balancing trays, and handling money, and remembering what people want.
  12. Build bridges or tall buildings.
  13. Run.
  14. Discuss television shows from the seventies. Or eighties. (not having had a television until our early thirties, give or take a decade...)
  15. We can't be asked to cheer at a sports event in a way that doesn't leave our children permanently and irreconcilably scarred. (Not that scars are a bad thing.)
  16. Never ask us to stand as witnesses in a court of law. Facts are extremely subjective.
  17. We can't be held accountable for remembering appointments. Or, for making appointments on a timely manner, well before an actual crisis arises.
  18. To sing solo at a wedding. We'll make up words (and tunes) as the need arises.
  19. To do the first dance.
  20. Or to dance.
  21. Never, under any circumstance (even the threat of death or torture) ask us to wear heels.
  22. NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER invite us to home parties where some poor, well-intentioned woman who just wants to make some money so she can buy her son a back brace tries to sell us products out of a catalogue. We become rude, inappropriate, obnoxious people who think our own jokes are beyond hilarious.
  23. Really. Never ask these things of Rose or me. Don't say I never warned you.

8 comments:

Judy said...

This just makes me love you all the more.

janice said...

Mwaa ha ha ha ha. Are we going to hear the back story? I understand about the yellow ceiling and the scared children and the heels. I was actually 'trained' to fill out a volleyball score sheet and to run the 30 second shot clock for ringette. Some of the hardest hours of my life were spent on these. Oh the responsibility. Oh the ire of some parents when you rip off their cherubs of one second in 30.

janice said...

Scarred children, from my cheering - although I can scare them, too, in multiple ways. Mwa ha ha ha . . .

Anonymous said...

So was it #22 that you did that provoked all the rest of your post? You sound a little weirded out the way my sisters and I get at bridal showers when they start passing around the towels for everyone to admire (like we'd never seen towels before.) :-)

joyce said...

I am working so hard right now trying to remember who studies towels at bridal showers like they've never, ever seen a towel before.... Gosh, I hope I didn't say something that I thought was overly hilarious when really it was just obnoxious and rude?!

scarred.... AND scared. It's amazing really, how many ways we can creatively raise our children.

Judy, if I asked you to wear heels and run to the thrift shop... Would you? (Oh, yes! We would!! We would dance and sing and cheer all the way there!) (Note all the exclamation points!!!!!!!)

The skeletal back story involves driving to a faraway town to watch my daughter's team play basketball. I don't understand games of any sort, and have to fake it when people speak of "Keys" (or is it Queue's?!)
I cheer, but apparently I wave my arms in strange and wimpy looking ways, and shout things like : YES! but somehow that's the wrong thing to say. It was in the bleachers with rose that we both agreed we struggled with sporting events, because we would get so caught up in life in the bleachers; or the facial expressions of the players; or whether the coach looked aggravated; or if the ceiling was yellow. (A.D.D?) This further spawned a conversation about all the other things we might look like spazzes if we tried to do. And yes- we've tried to do some of the things on this non-comprehensive list.

Home parties. Oy.
Unless they involve ugly things, or are spawned of funny books, or they are mostly about the company, the food, and the wine. Those home parties I can do. In fact, this week I'll be attending my first ever KNITTING PARTY.

man. do I feel old....

Rosa said...

Knitting party? How does that fit into pyramidal home based buisnessess ness. I think you may be on to something unless it involves guilt if you didn't get your granny square done for the blankets to Zimbobway project. I just don't think I can go there yet, oh and yes I know I spelled that African country rong. Really I'm doing it on purpose.

brenda said...

Knitting is one of my bygone passions (this is in reference to your postscript of course). If you'd like, I could bring my needles along to some tapas night sometime and we could tone down the heavy nature of all the usual frivolity with some good old-fashioned needle clicking and gossip-stirring. I could bring along a plethora if good-intentioned but discarded knitting projects gone bad, too. That would be good for a laugh or two!

joyce said...

Rose, I think the correct spelling is: Zim-BOOB-we.

Brenda, I think we'd get along fine with the knitting thing, and i"m glad you're not bringing candles to my house to sell.....

;)

OH! And I happen to have a friend who made sweaters on a KNITTING MACHINE back in the eighties. How many of you can attest to THAT?!