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Monday, January 31, 2011

Objects Sold on Kijiji Are Roughly The Same Size As They Appear

Last summer, I agreed to "foster parent" a dog. It wasn't a big dog, and in my imaginings, this arrangement would simply mean more of the same for our family. I mean- we have a dog. So, if we had two dogs, that would just two blobs of fur sleeping on the couch. Their needs are relatively simple- adore me, feed me, walk me, and let me out to pee.

That part didn't go too badly. But what I hadn't factored in was that our borrowed dog would scare the sh*t out of our own dog. Well, actually.... scare the pee right out of her. She took one look at that intruder, high-tailed it up the stairs to the bedroom, and proceeded to spend the next three weeks peeing on the boys' bedroom carpet. (yes- duh- we did carry her down, let her out, blah, blah, blah. But every time I had my head turned, that dang dog was back upstairs depositing her liquid DNA all over the spongey floor.)

Well, I do have my limits. After the dog-sitting stint was over, I rolled up that whole floor and gave it a ride to the dump. Somehow the thought of the kids making lego sculptures on shag-a-la-pee-pee made me just a little twitchy. Sans carpet, the room was left sad, destitute, ugly, and bare planked (and not in a romantic way) Lost socks and stray lego made the place look like next in line for some pathetic episode of Hoarders; with child protective agencies beating down my door. It simply wouldn't do.

So, on a bitterly cold January morning and nothing but a leaky Montana between me and a Manitoba snowstorm, I headed off to the bedroom of strangers to make a deal a la kijiji.

There's nothing like spending twenty minutes in the master bedroom with bad-hair-in-nightie woman and her hen-pecked to bloody stumps husband to get you over any fear of stranger danger. A few grunts and some sweat between strangers, and we got that floor rolled up and stuffed into the back of the van for a cool notalottamoney.

Back home, it only took dodging two snow-encrusted, tossed christmas trees, and climbing the front steps braille style in knee deep snow to wrestle that gem into the (unused) front door and straight up the stairs to the bedroom. Gym, shmim. I wrestle carpet alligators upstairs backwards, and barefoot without so much as a stratch. humph.

Armed with only a glass of leftover white wine, my utility knife and tape measure, plus an entire Saturday afternoon, I battled that shaggy beast into submission. Begone, pee pee floor. Farewell, bare wood of ugliness and slivers.

Hello, soft underfootings for my handsome, handsome little man.
(all dressed up for his thrift shop social at youth. What a looker....)


Karla said...


It makes me howl with delight! His face looks so much like yours! AND, he's not wearing navy cargo pants OR worn - in jeans!!!!! Miracles really do happen - they really do!!

You wrestly that shag like nobody's business!

Anonymous said...

dang you are good.
but, that boy has my backing when he wants to disown his mama for this very post!

Judy said...

My dog wrote all over our carpet with his butt. A full length novel. Probably about me, and how he intends to end my life. I refused to read it to the end.

I see carpet wrestling in my future.

Mary K. said...

Oh those pants of Micah's! What a PERFECT outfit for a thrift shop party! I hope he won the prize.
My ver. word? "blest"

joyce said...

Karla, I've claimed Micah as my nearly exact replacement when I die. He's almost entirely all KEHLER, that one. And I'm sure I should be more reserved and humble, but I pretty much love it to bits- every cynical, sappy little bit of it.

BB- I'm thinking that he'll just love this. Strange boy with delightfully strange sense of humour.

Judy- quick! Remove the novel before he follows through! (have you tried all those fancy spot cleaners? my friend says they work) If I had a few days to slip over to Michigan, I'd bring my utility knife.......

yes, Mary. Just the blest.
You remember the Micah of bygone days, so I think its pretty impressive that he a) dressed up b) goes to youth c) doesn't cry about the camera any more d) isn't in an institution. (oh no- that would be me who nearly landed in the looney-bin....)

Rosa said...

my favorite is your description of the previous owners. next i want to see a pic of you Joyce in those pants.

Anonymous said...

What a great idea for a party....a THRIFT PARTY....that is my next one! Love your profile picture!
p.s. The cookies and chocolates seem to have been really appreciated....I didn't even get one! - MK

Bonnie said...

I asked him those pants used to be his dads :) He said no, but I'm not so sure???