Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies

I tried to explain that it wasn't about the physical.  That it was more of a brain thing.

But her daughter was shrinking.

And I felt at an utter loss because of my own
brain
damaged.

She was shrinking and there was nothing I could say to show her how
chronic
progressive
unrelenting

it would become.

I remembered
How marvelous to be unencumbered by any traces of
horrible
ugly
embarrassing
bothersome
FAT.

To join the elites in their
thin
ness.

To have earned that immunity against being
not enough.

To wrap that dress a lot tighter, and cinch up that belt.
To wear the little shorts
to stop
the jiggle.
of
NOT
enough
ness.

I couldn't describe to them how after twenty-one years of "well" ness, it could
 find me
at a soccer field.
Sneak up behind me, like a spirit.
Turn the air dark and cold
condemning.

And as that ghost has its way with me I see
my thighs have spread.
Each dimple the scar of an accusation:
Not
Good
Enough!!

And my now middle-aged body spreading in unfamiliar ways
interpreted by that chilling presence...
Yuck!
Shame de!
Must Lose Weight!

Even though I have been well.
All these years.

I want to explain to them how
these deaths in our community* will catapult her
into ever narrower obsessions that will frustrate her no end.
She won't want to be thinking about
herself.
her belly.
her thighs.
While people around her are in agony
in real pain
with real loss.

But her mind will have been possessed
Long long before
when she was glad to be
unencumbered.

When it seemed to them that this was about her
body.
And not her mind.
That if only she would eat.
This would go away.

But the longer she plays
at being thin
The stronger the spirit will grow.

And she'll find herself in the grass on a perfect night
watching soccer
when the news will come.

U-Turn.
No return.
Ever.
Good-bye.

And she'll find herself
suspended in disbelief that a person could be here one moment and the next entirely gone.
Her brain won't know where to go with this.  It's beyond belief, and there's nothing she can do to make it
go away
or get better.

But then her ghost will appear.
Sneak up behind her and wrap her up in hot and cold reminders; prickling her all over.

YOU.
should go on a diet.

And just like that
she has
Something
that she can do.

But I can't seem to explain it
And they can't seem to understand.
That it looks like the body has a problem
But really its a problem
of the mind.

*Three deaths of young people in our community, all within one year.
Plus the mysterious disappearance of my niece's cousin, now presumed to have been murdered.