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Thursday, February 08, 2007

Well, I'm Glad its Not my Personality!


"The term PMS stands for Premenstrual Syndrome, a familiar acronym used to describe a cyclical challenge with a confusing array of physical, emotional or behavioral responses experienced by an amazingly large number of women every month in the days and even weeks before their menstrual periods begin."

By simply googling "pms" I've been sanctioned to eat petrified tootsie rolls by the fistful for up to three quarters of my child-bearing years. The condition also explains my exhaustion, the inability to adequately rest at night, and the sensation that fourteen alley cats are having a scratching tournament in my uterus. It explains why I drench my unlaundered track suit with inconsolable tears; convinced of the bleakness of my wretched existence.
Google also enlightened me to the possibilities of other minor inconveniences that I could assosiate with the privelege of being a womb-wonder.

acne
breast swelling and tenderness
upset stomach, bloating, constipation, or diarrhea.
headache or backache
appetite changes or food cravings ..........

Whoah! You mean the tootsie rolls, dry tortillas wrapped around peanut butter, ritz dipped in cheese whiz, the chocolate pudding-- (cooked, not instant, and eaten just after the top forms a little crust and the bottom is still hot), the half hotdog with mustard, the desparate hunt for ice-cream, the after-eight-chocolate powder dumped into the coffee......... This can all be blamed on a syndrome?! Let the list roll ON!
joint or muscle pain
trouble concentrating or remembering ..........

OH BABY!!
I thought I was wickedly out of shape!
I thought I was mentally challenged!
....tension, irritability, mood swings, or crying spells
anxiety or depression

HELLO.

We have a winner!

DING, DING, DING, DING!!

I'd been under the demoralizing, depressing, despondant impression that this was my character. I can't tell you how relieved I am that I am simply a victem.

I have been victemized by a syndrome. Syndromized, if you will.
Now excuse me while I go cry at someone to rub my back and to fix me something nice to eat.

7 comments:

esther said...

too funny joyce!!!
i must be a victem too, haha!!

QueenHeroical said...

Sounds like a pandemic to me.

Krina

lettuce said...

hahaha - I just did a (less funny) post on this too!

Ruth said...

eeeeek

is there a vacination for it????

Anonymous said...

I thought Ruth wrote "vacation". We wish! I think the cold weather is messing with me.

No vacination but there is a surgery for it.

To tell you the truth, I'm much more afraid of Phase 3: Menopause.
I just know I'm going to be a raving lunatic.
-H

Bobita~ said...

Hey, me too!!!

I was just thinking today~ is it actually possible to eat anything else?? Or, do I HAVE to bake the frozen pizza before I dive in??

And then there was the point during Beethoven, the movie when I BURST into tears. Ahhhhhhhhh!

Homo Escapeons said...

Thank goodness for small mercies.
You are absolutely right, PMS is the worst three weeks of every month!