In my next life, I'll be entirely evolved. I won't ever have thoughts which embarrass and shame me. But for now, I must work with the raw materials I've been given, and sometimes they are just so raw that one has to mock oneself. (Quick, before someone else does!)
Cyber-insecurity. Can anyone relate? When perusing your links, do you notice your blogspot url removed from others' links? How about those finicky, fickle, slippery commenters who used to comment on your posts, but have moved on to preferring your "blog friends"? Do you catch yourself wondering....
"Hey! What did I say?" And being tempted to post a general apology to anyone you may have disappointed, just to get your virtual circle back, unbroken?
Well, I told you these were true life confessions. Now, please .... don't condescend to me and flatter me with "meme" tags, or quickly add me to your blogroll like some framed needlepoint of a deer beside a stream that you quickly hammer to your wall four minutes before my visit to your home....
No, no. Don't you give it a thought. (sniff, sniff). You're probably much too busy reading those good blogs anyway.
*but I dare you, dare you tell me the truth. Are you waaaaaaay over those kind of thought patterns?
Have I just had that one-too-many glass of wine and just asked that inappropriate question OUT LOUD?
And if you are all way more developed in your maturity than I am, then I shall have much to learn from the lot of you!!
19 comments:
Even when I don't comment I still read, if that makea any difference. I have blog mood swings, from manically communicative to lurker-low. Only this post could've gotten me out of lurker-low. Now I'm scuttling back into it because I can't stand the pressure.
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This is way too freaky Joyce. I was feeling this EXACT same thing last night and today. I was actually just about to post on it when I read yours. Maybe I'll just cut and paste your post onto my page hee hee.
I struggle with being "myself" and "uninhibited" knowing that there are those that are reading it that I may offend or will read into it what isn't there.
Why oh why must we do this to ourselves?? Maybe my blog page should be titled "Read at your own risk" or "No guarantees"
Hi Joyce:
I also read you every day. I don't usually comment because most of your posts require some deep, contemplative thought and when I've finally come up with some clever quip to add to your comments, voila! a new post to contemplate. It's a vicious, vicious circle.
Keep writing!
And how about the "stats disease" - looking behind the scenes you wonder how come this post got 30 readers and that one got 2. Or none. That sneaky little graph is too addictive.
But we love you Joycey, never fret!
like some framed needlepoint of a deer beside a stream that you quickly hammer to your wall four minutes before my visit to your home....
I would never ever, ever do that!!
(Was that deer, I sold at the tag sale from you? Oh, dear.)
Ha! Hilarious and true. Just last week I was mildly miffed at a close friend who moved his blog to a different website and alas...I no longer am on his blogroll!
Great thoughts.
Well, I WASN'T insecure, until I read this, and it appears that I SHOULD be!
Actually, if I never got another reader, I would be fine. I am so boring that I read MYSELF every day.
You are everything I like in a blog friend.
REAL.
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
-- dr. seuss
ahhh! i love that quote! (that darrly wrote)
and yes joyce, i too wrestle with insecurities...RIDICULOUS thoughts and questions and wonders....
and OFTEN, (at least 3 times a week) I firmly decide that I must quit blogging...and yes, i will do it TODAY. And then i think of another post or read someone elses...and (sigh) am drawn back into the vicious swirl of bloggerdom.
i like it that you're a blogger. you have great thoughts floating around in that beautiful head.
ps i don't have a blogroll (incase you ever wondered) because i took it down because i found this new kind of the web and was trying to down load it but my computer was nasty and wouldn't load it and since then (party due to laziness) my blog has remained blogrolless.
I think we should start a "Most Insecure Blogger Award" and spread that around instead of all those other ones for which I am never nominated :)
I feel the same way sometimes.
Now, I hope you've all noticed that I waited until 11:00 pm to respond to anything, just to psych you out that I hated everything you said.... (whose got the power now, Huh? HUH?!)
Andrea- I'm familiar with the syndrome. But my mouth is too wide to scuttle much.... I'm glad you're hovering.
Oh dear crystal. What do you prefer- cash or cheque? (And please bear in mind that I don't know my times tables, I can't remember where my keys are, I majored in history not once, but twice.... and all I remember is something about a war in the "40s. Still, flattery is well received. Shamelessly, greedily gobbled....
Ah, Tess. You've gone into my secret, shameful addiction... the crack meter. We must stage an intervention.
hi Audrey- did I also offer to pay you to leave a tidbit for me? I must have forgotten, but still, I'm more than grateful!
Judy, we all know that's only YOUR perception. You see beauty where ugliness could overpower. there is nothing boring about that. And thanks for opening up that support group- the one about reading one's own blogs! What's with that? I'm such a forgetful ninny, I prefer to read my own post back to myself before I read comments, as I've likely forgotten my name by then...
Darryl- but does that relate to the concept of "mind over matter"? Bah-ha. Of course the quote is perfectly sensible. Why do we waste energy over imaginary people who we probably wouldn't like anyway?!
Ruth-of-green-gables: Exactly. It would be dummer than giving up chocolates, or pie, or chubby babies. JUST WRONG! (And how many pies do I owe you now for all that sweet, velvety stuff you just said... I mean that stuff that I practically begged for?! I love you back, you've been a gift.
Michele- that's probably the most sensible thing I've heard yet! I'm insecure. NO, I AM! We could spread this thing around like wild fire. Flatteries, be gone! But when you'd nominate someone, you'd have to spend torturous hours of insecurity wondering how many hours of professional therapy you just cost that blogger... More guilt. More insecurity. Yes, this is an idea that could really take off.
Deb- I think that you'll not be eligible for "most insecure blogger" award this season. I think that "sometimes" just isn't insecure ENOUGH!
B- I laughed like a shameless schoolgirl at that comment. I very nearly PICKED UP THE PHONE but I have a bit of a phone phobia. What the f* is with us? Too funny. I think that the power is broken when we break the silence. so... raise your glass to living insecure out loud!
27.
;)
Hi Joyce.
I tried to comment earlier today but took so long deciding if it sounded okay that the word verification ate my thoughts...
Anyway, I don't know if I'm one of those fickle people that seems to prefer your blog friends, but just so that you know I'm not I'm not!
And I was planning on adding you as a link on my site but ran out of time the first time around and am terrible at follow through...
Then again maybe you don't read my blog and now I've just sounded totally presumptuous...
I guess that it's my turn to feel embarrassed.
oh man...i can very much relate :)
but i'm working at it...
I am sorry too, I am afraid I was blowing my nose and missed the bus here.
I really enjoy your blog, and you are not on my role because your blog makes mine look gauche (NOT THAT THE PEOPLE ON MY ROLE HAVE BAD BLOGS)
Oh gosh, I have gone and messed it up again haven't I? Where is that darned zipper?
Some comment sections are designed to turn into chat rooms where people like to mingle and the comments are directed at each other...quite often none of the comments are 'on-topic' and nobody, including the host, seems to care.
People like to visit them because then they don't feel any pressure to visit any of the other commenters' blogs because well they have already visited.
When I first started out I had ridiculous expectations but now I realise that the blogosphere is pretty much like Junior High...
there are little cliques and most people like to go where the action is and if the party is good they end up staying put. There are a lot of bloggers who post once a month and just go around commenting!
I know that I have a few lurkers and my commenters come and go in swarms and droughts..what can you do..you have to write for yourself and to attract the type of audience that you imagined you need to find your balance between Art for Art sake and Comments for God sake.
I struggle to visit everyone on my blogroll twice a week because I always end up wandering off from other blogrolls...
and that's when I realise how many amazing/funny/smart/talented/deep writers there are out here...
it's a very humbling experience but try to remember that it is supposed to be FUN and Interesting
and you Get what you Give.
Here's the irony of me not commenting:
On the days when I have the free time (read: steal the time from other more productive things) to read my blogroll and perhaps comment, it appears that everyone else is too busy with real lives to post anything.
Then I am away for a couple days, clawing my way through the mountains of dishes and laundry and other lovely rays of sunshine in my life. And when I return for a few seconds to see if anyone has posted yet, it appears that they all have had time to write long, involved, thought-provoking, clever essays that take me hours to read and days to really digest. And meanwhile, everyone else has already read said essays and commented on them, saying everything I wanted to say. And "Yeah, me too" looks even lamer in a comment window than it sounds in real life.
Hence, I don't comment much.
I understand! I too, am an insecure blogger. Maybe we should start a 12 step recovery group for us insecure bloggers
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