...On the eve of Mother's Day.
I'm not a gifts kind of a person. I mean that it doesn't mean a whole lot to me if some thing gets purchased from some store to commemorate a calendar holiday. I have a weird attitude about cut flowers- although I find them lovely to the eye, I can't stand that they are just dying away on my table, their splendor seeping away from them by the moment. Cards are nice; but they are even nicer when they come to you simply because someone thought it was perfect. Not the crapitsmothersdaygottagetacard kind of card.
So, it is odd, even to me, that I have Mother's Day on the brain this year.
But this year, I want to be appreciated. I want to be noticed. I want to be worth some effort.
I wonder if its' because I'm noticing the start of a new era in parenting. I've noticed the "Oh Mom------ You're SToooooooooooPid and annoying" expression popping up a little more lately. I've noticed that my innocent questions are more irritating than they used to be. I notice that its way more embarrassing if I want to be a parent driver, or a volunteer or some school activity than it was a little while ago. I've noticed that I am apparently getting more stupid, yet this somehow also involves the sense that I'm a little greedy with my "millions", and should hand out funds with a little less parental resistence.
I know it's normal. I also know that I have great kids.
But now I also know that adults have all the same tender feelings as kids do, and when offspring get snarly, it pinches at my heart. I want to be above all that, and not take their hormone-marinading reactions personally; but I also want my children to know that they have the power to hurt people with their words and reactions and I want them to practise "playing nice" right here at home. Start with their mama.
I didn't have a close relationship with my mother. She didn't tell me all the things I'd need to know to navigate those years, and all the years to come. We never talked about periods, boys, puberty, breasts, stranger danger, parties, love, emotions, expectations, or even what we loved about one another. I think my mother did the best she could at the time, and I have a great deal that I deeply appreciate about her. But. I don't have a role model of how to parent with open communication, relationship, and all the good stuff that I see glimpses of with my own kids.
I don't want to lose it.
Tomorrow is mother's day. I'm having my own mother over, and I hope I can leave her with some words that show her that I appreciate all she did for me. A safe home to grow up in. Hot, nutritious food. A green lifestyle. A purple bedspread.
I bet I hurt her too.
I bet I still do.
It's fragile and precious, this family thing.
I hope yours is happy. And when it's not; I hope you can find something to smile about anyhow.
Happy Mother's Day.
(I have some awesome pics of Sam and a card he made for me, but blogger hates me. It won't reply to my numerous e-mails begging for help, and it most certainly won't publish my pictures)