I never used to worry about "saying the wrong thing".
But that's well before I said the wrong thing.
With disastrous consequences.
And now I worry.
I worry about saying too much and saying too little. Saying something or saying nothing at all.
I used to believe that it was the heart that counted. That because I meant well, and I wanted to be honest, and be a good friend, and seek authenticity; that the desire of my heart would cover the blunders of my mouth.
But that's before I knew firsthand what it's like for someone to take my heart, chop it up, and throw it at me in the shape of daggers.
I used to think that I said too little. That I was so afraid of rejection that I would smile and swallow instead of have my own out loud opinion. I began to think that it was cowardly and insecure of me to keep so much to myself.
Thing is- you have to be ready for rejection if you're ready to disagree.
You have to know the end of you and the beginning of them without getting confused.
You have to know yourself outside of how others perceive or define you.
So I've learned to speak up a little more. I've learned to stick up for myself when the situation warrants. At times I keep my opinions to myself and silently disagree. I know that no matter how much I love any one person in my life, I will never agree with everything they believe.
I want to be a good friend.
And not lose myself.
I want to live my life honestly and strive always to love my neighbour, my enemies, even my family. (we all know the challenges therein)
But I'm so aware that with the joys of relationship comes the pain. Severe pain for which there is no medication that would dull the ugly parts without robbing one of all the goodness.
We need connection.
It's what makes sense about the human condition.
And although I know that these things are true, I just wish it didn't hurt.