I may as well move to Uganda with my big brother; that's about how useful I feel with this whole brother-dying-of-cancer ordeal that is constantly in my face.
It would FEEL so much better if I could reassure myself with thoughts of how helpful I'd been to Ken, or how many meaningful times and conversations we'd had as brother and sister, or how I'd taken care of his kids and bills so that he'd have more time to spend with his wife.
But, this is so very humbling. It just hurts, and there is no immediate balm to soothe the rawness.
There is no lack of love, no lack of true hope, of tears, and of good intentions.
But in my humanness, it just feels about as useful as tits on a bull.
6 comments:
oxoxox
Sometimes I think feeling useless in such a situation is a sort of message that you just can't see yet. You know there's something you must do but the obvious things aren't working and/or possible ... so what the hell is it?!?
On a weirdly related note, I just met a couple who are seriously considering doing missionary work in ... Uganda. Their grownup daughter has gone ahead to work at an AIDS orphanage. I've been thinking about it ever since.
Big hug.
Your love, hope, and tears are probably more useful than you could ever know. But I can empathise with your frustration.
I doubt you'll find a cure for cancer yourself, Joyce, but you sure know how to create real emotion, proper love and genuine goodness and ship it out to right where it's needed. You can't fail with that xxx
i'm glad your not moving to uganda.
thinking about you...and praying for you....
xo
Your comments are so kind. I have been told that doing "nothing" can sometimes be the most difficult, but at times most helpful or loving thing to do. This seems to be the case with Ken as he is getting inundated with people wanting to spend time with him. Time is the last thing he has right now, so I am deciding to give him that to spend with his wife and kids. I will need to e-mail him to communicate my love and continued support, but NO MORE ANGST about not making it into the city to spend time with him. Visiting him frequently SEEMS like the loving thing to do, but one has to question who its done for-- The visitor? or the visited?
you're right joyce....
...not JUST good looking!
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