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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Let's Get Started!

Tip #1 for struggling parents:

Ever grow weary of assembling all those school lunches for your hungry offspring? With a little time and effort, you can take care of that inconvenience once and for all.

1. Clear a large area, (the dining room floor works nicely). Lay out slices from ten to twelve loaves of 60% or 100% whole wheat bread. Leave spaces between the rows wide enough for you to navigate. You may want to subdivide the rows according to the number of your offspring.

2. Begin by spreading any toppings. For example, the three popular sandwhich combinations in my family are: turkey breast with margarine; ham with mayo and mustard; and tuna salad. I would spread 1/3 with mayo and mustard, 1/3 with margarine, and leave the remaining 1/3 as is.

3. Now mix up the nine cans of tuna (be sure to have a cat nearby to lick up the tuna water). Begin to methodically scoop tuna onto bread slices. Turn a blind eye to any felines or toddlers who crawl about getting themselves a mid-morning snack. This will also be a time saving measure, as you will not have to prepare one later.
Follow the same basic idea for distribution with the ham and the turkey breast.

4. Now, simply wrap up the sandwhiches, and stack them in the cupboard at a convenient height by order of the sandwhich flavour.

If you follow this simple advice, you will find your children happier, healthier, and you will have carved out a few precious moments in your hectic morning that you will now be grateful to spend with your lineage.

I suggest that you use the oppurtunity to teach them the art of hand sewn garments.
I guarentee you will not find a happier, healthier, more well-adjusted child.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

i will do just about anything to avoid making a sandwich. i don't know why i hate it... i just do.

janice said...

Is this capture 1 of your new parenting book? Can't wait to read the rest.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you are making great progress on your book!

janice said...

I meant chapter - dumb! I spend way to much time with kids!

Anonymous said...

Hi Joyce!
Living in where we do, you could just keep a cardboard boxes of various lunch items outside the backdoor. Sandwiches, juice boxes, yogurt, applesauce, cookies...
Each person fetches their own on the way out the door in the morning and it will be thawed to the perfect temperature by lunch.
You would only need to make lunches one time at the beginning of winter!
-Heather

Anonymous said...

Oh-
If you're worried about the neighbourhood dog getting into the boxes you could get a few clean garbage cans and put the items in them instead. The neighbours would see the Hildebrand children (and Brian?) rooting through the "garbage" for some lunch every morning.
Before you know it you'll have your neighbourhood dropping groceries off at the door, no more shopping either!
-H

lettuce said...

oh yes, looking forward to chapter 2.

My sister used to make wholesale sized batches of sandwiches for her family and put them in the freezer! hahahaha. I deny that we share any genes at all.

Joyce said...

Michele- sounds like you've come to the right place!
Janice- I prefer "capture". I think we could use duct tape with that.
Linda- marching forward, using my skills....
Heather! You're hired!! (pro bono of course...)
The garbage can inspiration is just brilliant. BRILLIANT!
Lettuce- not really. How well does lettuce freeze? (I mean the lettuce that goes in sandwhiches, not YOURSELF.)

Anonymous said...

I just might have to have some more children.

When your book comes out, 'The Husband God Gave Me' and I will need to have a talk.

Oh. And H. That garbage can idea is WONDERFUL. W O N D E R F U L !

Really, Joyce. WRITE the book!

Roofus said...

u, my friend
R
BRILLIANT. with a capitol BRILL!