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Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Position Vacancy

chief ex·ec·u·tive of·fi·cer (plural chief ex·ec·u·tive of·fi·cers)

noun (person, place, or THING)

Definition:

managing director: the highest-ranking executive officer within a company or corporation, who has responsibility for overall management of its day-to-day affairs under the supervision of a board of directors


Responsibilities include: the processing of all paperwork pertaining to the entire organisation, including all board members, their dog, their cat, and the horse they rode in on. The paying of all bills, the signing of all permission slips, the writing of all cheques. The filing of all of the above; whether processed, or in process.

The brewing of coffee.

The purchasing of all tickets, supplies, equipment, sustenance, musical instruments, clothing, toileting items. The filing and maintenance of the same. These responsibilities can be further broken down into subsections which will never be found in any manual, but may include the following: Nutrition. Cardiac health. Banking. Pharmaceuticals. Sanitation. Hazardous Material Handling. Multi- Culturalism. Pest extermination. Citizenship. Consumer Affairs. Bus trips. The Selection Of The Correct and under no circumstances INCORRECT deli meats. Vegetarian cooking. Dessert-atarian. Cooking that involves only and always Ground Beef. Lots of vegetables. No vegetables.

Extra-curricular program directing. Lessons, tutoring, volunteering, sports, parties, dinners out, dinners in. Group activity. Personal activity. Quality. Quantity.

The scrupulous cleanliness of undergarments.

Interior design. Exterior maintenance.
Vehicle maintenance. Small engine repair. Landscaping.

**The above information is partial and incomplete and subject to change without notice. The board meets frequently but informally, and has been known to be demanding and unwavering in their insistence on perfection. The board does not prefer delegation of tasks.

Absolutely no training will be provided.
This position is entirely unpaid, with no possibility of parole.

This position is available immediately.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh Joyce, I don't know whether to laugh or cry, except for the coffee part you have just written the condensed version of the biography of my life, sounds like we both need a vacation. Valerie C

Melodie said...

No possibility of parole!! Ha ha.
Brilliant. Also, I immediately thought about my mom, who beat me to the commenting.

Anonymous said...

I believe you left out one very important description: "And other duties as assigned". (This is an actual addition to a job description which is an unfair catch all to mean whatever the person in charge determines).
VB
ps my word verification is "unpai" which of course is like the description--unpaid!

jenn said...

Aint that the truth. Great post!

Anonymous said...

You funny funny funny... where do you come up with all this stuff??? Are you sure we're in the same family?
Schwester

janice said...

Once again you have made me laugh. You are an excellent wordsmith.

Add in 'drag your ass into work every day to pay said bills' and that describes my life, too. I do the Interior design and exterior maintenance very badly :(

Jenna said...

I'll take it! wait..did I say that out loud?