Failure-lutions

Gosh, it's painfully predictable, isn't it?
As much as I think that new year's resolutions are stupid, futile, and painful ways to set myself up for failure- I find myself thinking "resolving" sorts of thoughts:

• you've got to quit drinking wine all the freaking time. Too many calories. Not a good habit.
• You've got to quit eating candy all the time. Too mmmmmmany calories. Not a good habit.
• You've got to quit hauling old shit into here all the time. Too much stuff. Not a good sign of balance. A bit freaky, actually.
• Your children lay around in front of the television way too much. You are a bad, lazy mother.
• You should manage your funds better. Enough said, too ashamed to say anything more.
• You should exercise- like manic. So that you grow some muscles and when you want to wear skirts in the spring, your thighs don't fall in bunches just below your knees.
• You should stop being so hard on yourself. you should write resolutions like: This year I resolve not to diet; to always eat dessert; and to watch more television.
• You should give up all of the guilt and shame in your life.
• You should be less introspective. It's sad and pathetic- really.
• You really should read to the daytime kiddies. Like seriously joyce. You should read a fair bit- like, how you used to read to your own kids. Sheesh.
• You should sell some of your antique shit. You don't even want it all.
• You should probably wear make-up or get a haircut, or liposuction- anything. Seriously girl- time tells a tale.
• Your kids ought to do more housework. You're not equipping them for lives as adults.
• You should spend more time with your parents. Ungrateful. Do you know how few people still have parents? sheesh.
• You should write again. The way you used to, without a bunch of worries and constraints. You should worry less.
• What are your plans for the darfur blog? Honestly, Kehler. Do something!
• You ought to clean up your sewing room. It's disgusting.
• And the garage.
• And the van.

Good grief, I'm exhausted and I haven't even done a thing on my list yet. Maybe I should drink more and watch more television, go shopping when times are tough, and just buy a bigger bra instead of exercising.

How about you? How are you planning to torture yourself this January?