Things That I Learned On My Way To Mall of America

When it comes to rides.... Brian has more guts than I do. Points to him for doing the crazy roller coaster with his almost grown-up kid.

That sometimes a ride isn't so much about the ride as it is about posing for the camera.

That standing around and watching someone draw a caricature of your kids only increases ones fondness for them.

That bringing a camera into a restaurant and using it while waiting for a table is wildly, unforgivingly embarrassing.

(and makes me feel really powerful....)

That I'm in the right profession.

I studied kids and parents everywhere, and although I know that it's unsophisticated to say so- My Goodness! Parents sure can be mean to their kids these days! I found myself feeling much more forgiving of my own irritability and shortcomings when I realized that I've NEVER called my child (or your child) STUPID, nor have I threatened to leave them behind in a foreign country for burning their muffin. (is it ok that I've fantasized about leaving children in foreign countries?? Please tell me that it is....) Nor have I yelled at my kid for slipping on a wet floor at a water park, or intentionally rammed the back of their ankles with my shopping cart when they weren't walking fast enough for my liking.

I practically feel like Mary Poppins.

That I'm running out of little kids of my own. And while listening to the wailing and tantruming of other people's kids made me relieved that mine were older; I felt a real sadness at the ending of an era. I've never been great with change, and I feel like I need a whole new set of skills for the upcoming ten years of parenting.

Just when I was getting a hang of the younger years.....

That IKEA has a really great chair. But that I prefer to spend my money $7.00 at a time... Over and over and over again.

Which is why I make a point of scouting out a few thrift shops wherever I am. Some of the greatest $4.99 skirts live there.

My husband also believes in the "more is more" philosophy. Which is why when he shops for green sauce at Target, the staff has to radio the guy in the Tabasco Vault to bring out the reserves.

He puts that sh*t on everything.

That maybe my church has talked up this whole IHOP movement just a lot. I didn't find it to be all that life-changing....

I learned that with a pocket full of change, you really can have it all.

On my way to Mall of America and back, I learned that "American breakfast" means all foods white, sweet, and packaged. I learned that there is an entire mall full of tiny sizes with entire families of obese people shopping in it. I learned that if you stay at a hotel whose biggest boast is: Free Internet!! it probably means that the wallpaper and the carpet don't match; the hallways aren't heated; and the early morning clientele lining up for the BLEACHED breakfast are heading out early to shoot something in a nearby wooded area.

I learned that kids grow up fast, hotel pillows don't feel like mama's pillows, and Famous Dave's makes a mean margarita. I learned that Fleet Mills Farms sells large bags of candy AND fishing licenses. They also sell nifty t-shirts that say things like: "Keep your guns in the right place-- YOUR HAND!" I learned that "all you can eat" buffet restaurants might not have been America's brightest idea. I learned that some people think that gravy goes with biscuits, and it's something you might want to eat with your morning coffee.

I learned that a road trip with my husband and my offspring was a really good idea.

And the best part of it is coming back home again.