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Saturday, November 15, 2008

Constant Craving

It doesn't matter what I know is true...
and what I know is untrue...

I am Embarrassingly Morbidly Uncontainably Obese.
And I crave....
what?

Something.... satisfying.
filling, soothing, and validating.
Strenthening, nourishing.

I want.....
My heart to know what my stomach and brain already know.

That its not about the food.
But that somehow the appetite, the reactions, anxieties. longings and fears that come up within its context hold untapped secrets.
Secretly held sadnesses, unmet undeserved needs.
needy neediness. Grotesquely excessive needs.
Shouldn't carry such needs.

Such
excess.

Unattractive. Undesirable, embarrassing.
like a bloodsucking parasitic sponge. With teeth and a relentless appetite for more.
A forked tongue- hungry but dangerous, and quick to frighten away just what it needs to feed its endless cravings. Its ferociousness and bottomlessness sucking dry the very marrow of anything within its reach.

Ah, thinness. The skeletal, lean, sleek absence of need.
needinessless.

Needing less.

More. by less, more or less.
Its what I want. More less.

That would satisfy that fierce craving.
hungry
empty
cavernous
need.

5 comments:

coffeeloves said...

I hear you dear friend.

You are not alone.

Valerie Ruth said...

unfortunately i've learned that thin doesn't equal happy

jb said...

how come i think that by getting "thin" i will need less?? and then i get "thin" and i need just the same amount.

joyce said...

VR- of course, its true and we know that, many of us through our experiences. The frustration is the dichotomy between what I KNOW and what I BELIEVE.

jb- that is the exact picture that I was attempting to paint. We somehow believe that taking up less space means needing less, offending less, annoying less. But our intellect knows how ridiculous that is.

Anonymous said...

anything I want to say sounds "pat". So... I'll just say I love you I hear you.
Schwester Mary
P.S. Guess what my word verification is... metower ... hmmm ME wouldn't mind being a tall thin TOWER.