Award Ceremony

To hasten the departure of its members, and present incentive to return in the fall, the local school presents awards to its most brilliant members at the close of the academic year. I wouldn't know this, except that this year, I got a phonecall suggesting that I might want to be present for the ceremony, since our daughter Jane was to become a recipient.

We were all very proud, since this would be a first for all of us.

Not that we hadn't deserved many an award in the weeks preceding.
If life rewarded people for their true areas of giftedness; our high-achieving lastborn would most certainly won Most Valuable Player Of The Year Of Ever and Ever and Forever. I didn't see any of the other players rise nearly to Sam's capacity to: create dandelion chains; climb the goalpost, pretend to be a superhero, or try to make shadow puppets with his hands in the scorching midday heat.

And as I pondered these themes, many other uncelebrated awards came to mind.


Take for example the Best Upcycled Tobacco Product Award
This year discovered at an undervalued thrift shop near you.

The Best In Sharing Award.
Is presented to Wilber Wilberforce Kehler for allowing three humans to fully occupy no less than half the couch space. He certainly didn't need to do that.
The Prettiest Boy Award.
This is a category that doesn't get filled in every academic year. It's a rare boy who will indulge his sister in a whim to straighten and spray his hair, and attend a full day of school in all his beautiful splendor. It was hard to make the final decision.

We're an entire family of lookers.

It's just that effortless for all of us.

The final award represents the category named Most Random Stuff Found in Laptop Files.

I'm thinking it might solve my recurring summertime issue, which is What The #@% do children want to eat on hot summer days?? problem. Sparkly unicorn meat, that's what. Shame about the postal strike, I think this can only be found online.

But I digress.

This year, I had reason to attend an authentic, actual, real-life award ceremony. It was all ceremonial, and legitimate, and serious. They had round things on ribbons that they hung on actual fleshy necks of real live people. There were speeches, applause, cameras, dignitaries.

I fidgeted anxiously in my plastic chair.

Finally, after nearly an hour of holding my breath, my daughter's name was called. She received a Certificate of Merit for the Most Improvement and Diligence for Grade 9! A tear rose to my eye.

My hands gripped the turquoise handlebars of my dumpster Road King just a little more tightly as I proudly rode home through town, humbly accepting the nods and salutes from townspeople in their window fronts, places of business, and farm style gardens.

I knew that Jane must be very proud, and anticipated a rapidly updated facebook account status. I was not to be disappointed.

Jane Margaret
‎; I got the "Hey, you used to be stupid!" award, nbd