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Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Assume The Stance

*Alternate Title: How to be True to your Heritage, But Look After Yourself At the Same Time.
*Alternate Title #2: How To Be Stingey So That According To Your Income Tax File, You Are considered one of The Most Generous People ever.
When you go to a parade, bring grocery bags. Even better, pack a pillow case.
Stand in an area of town that few other people will have the foresight to think of.
Encourage your children to RUN into the street, FASTER than any other children, then RUN back to yourself to make the deposit into said pillowcase.
Wear running shoes.
Wear really short shorts. Change into heels later. (What the -fneep- is with people wearing HEELS to a town fair?!)
Never, ever, consider small children toward the back of the crowd who might not be able to run as fast as your children.
Remember that if you accumulate a lot of candy, you may have enough to tide you over to Halloween, at which time you can hand out your leftover parade candy.
(If you are worldly enough to keep your lights on near the end of October)
Then, before the end of the calendar year, you will have the money (that you might have spent supporting your local gas station for your kids' candy), plus the money that you might have spent on halloween treats.
Then you can pack up that money, (along with any leftover hamburger casserole or kumst borscht that didn't get eaten by your ungrateful children) and send it to the other side of the world.
You'll might even be more than 10% a good Mennonite.


Ruth said...

sit really close to the pavement or on the pavement and yell out the names of the people you see printed on the signs they stick on the sides of their car.

:) Brent and Kelvin were very generous.

Gloria said...

Looks like those calfs (calves? you know, not the mooing kind) have been at the fair before! They are all muscular and chit.

As far as the small children in the back with no candy? They should blame their parents for teaching them manners and not pushing and elbowing their way to the front of the crowd. Perhaps a well placed foot and the sprinters in the short shorts would trip and sprain something, leaving more candies for the little ones?

And because you asked, the heels (and the super low cut shirts and short skirts) and for the benefit of the carnies. I think that some parents take a leave of their senses by allowing their children to leave the house like that, ever, or they are completely oblivious to the fact that their kids change the minute they leave the house because they can't be bothered to take the time to walk up main street and check on their childrens welfare.

Or, perhaps I am wrong and I was just blessed with modest children and there is nothing anyone else can do about the scantily clad teens running around our streets.

(sorry for the rant)

homo escapeons said...

Tan parsant Manannite?
Das more like alavan or twalve parsent!

Can't you just get the kids to 'budge-in' like they do in Cliff Klavinfeld?

Joyce said...

Gloria, the heeled and be-boob-ed flaunters of which I speak were MOTHERS themselves.

I. Kid. You. Not.

Gloria said...

Same applies, just for adults then! LOL! Now we know where the kids got it.

And if Homo (sorry if he doesn't like being referred to that way) can attempt Plaut Deitsch on your blog, then I will too.

Voah nicht miya asst, asst nicht miya ta hola! (Loosely translated, you can't get something from nothing).