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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Drawing a Line in the (Snow)

I'm sort of looking around for inspiration. Well, at a more base level, I'm looking for some way live on through months more of winter with itchy skin, pale lips, static hair, and the threat of melancholy meltdown.

Heather's posts have been great lately. Smart, gutsy, brave, proactive. Her theme for 2008 is Fearless. That's pretty big. Just thinking about it sort of freaks me out, actually. I envy that, and I love it, but I'm afraid.

A few weeks ago, Brian and i joined some friends in watching "The Mysterious Case of Benjamin Buttons". There was a line in it that went something along these lines: "Sometimes in life you are going along and you find yourself where you really didn't want to be at all. You veered off somewhere, and you see it now. Sometimes life is having the courage to start all over again".

That's what I want.

I want to start from right now. Not from what when wrong back there when... but from right now. I remember when I went through a particularly difficult period in my life, and I chose one single behavior to work on. To work on not engaging in it any more. I used a smiley face on my calendar for all the "good days". But there were times when I had to go with a minute by minute smiley face, because twenty-four hours was just way too long and with one or two or ten screw-ups, I would have to forfeit that smiley face reward. So, I'd start all over again with a new minute.

I think I can do that.
I don't even want to talk about re-learning anymore, because it's so discouraging to look back, and to see an apparent backward slide.
It is what it is, and time will just keep on passing. I think I can start again with small commitments to "do the right thing". Things that won't make me crazier, but promote being well.

Yup. That's it, Heather. Not exactly fearless, but something like telling the fear that its not going to win.


Roo said...

ohhhh i like that quote from mr buttons. i think i need to watch me it meself.

while we were wanderingin texas we watched, "the last samurai" the quote that hit me is from one of the last scenes in the movie.

in the scene the leader of the samurai has died in fierce battle and the emperor is talking to someone that fought alongside the man that died.

"tell me how he died?"the emperor asks. i love the answer the samurai fighter gives, "i will tell you how he lived."

Heather said...

Sounds good to me. Fearless is probably a bigger word than I should have taken on, 'cause it freaks me out too, but in the end, I think it's about the intent. I think we're headed in the same direction.

Give yourself a smiley face for this post. :-)