Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Thanks, Bobita
Monday, January 07, 2008
ahem
Not only am I not an accountant, I am a moron.
Yes, it was ME who did make the banking error.
ME who on December the 24th deposited a cheque dated December 25.
Sorry dad. I'm a moron.
Now, maybe I'll cry all over again.
Come and Eat
About that many posts begun, or written, but only in my mind.
Thoughts on life, on death............. Christmas, family, domestic violence, generosity, consumerism, overeating, body image, perceptions, truth, religion, faith, God, Jesus, dogs, cats, health, intentional living, money, relationships, time management, significance, self concept..... And there's more.
Life is layered.
Some of the other layers involve... Taking note of relational growth thanks to past intentional choices...... While simultaneously being painfully aware of fractures in other relationships. And wanting more. Desiring authenticity. Truth. And that impossible dream of the 47 hour day. Time enough to write, to read, to bake pies, to visit people, to volunteer, to initiate support groups, to create, to learn, to change............
It was with these thoughts and more that I made my way across the cold and crunchy Mennonite church parking lot Sunday morning, anticipating the healing aura of my sanctuary- my church.
I felt painfully tired. HE and her had kept us up late the night before, laughing and eating some of the sweetest swedish nuts ever. By the time we left, it was already tomorrow and we still had the drive home to navigate. Couple that with the fact that it was raining in January, and the roads were incredibly hazardous. I was relieved to get home not dead. The sharp pains in my back and shoulder attested to the tension that went into keeping us on the road and out of the floodway, or belly upside down like a few cars we cautiously passed along the way.
So, with my eyes burning, my back hurting, my mind and body feeling full on empty calories; I found my way to my favorite spot near the front of church.
There in front of me lay the elements of communion.
All my age-old beliefs and feelings about the eucharist swelled over me and I questioned whether I was worthy to partake. What condemnation would I drink upon myself?
While I did a quick mental inventory, a churchguy began a pre-communion address. I was busy rubbing my eyes and sucking on my coffee mug, and wondering about taking the elements, when he said three words that caught my attention.
"Come and eat."
He was describing Jesus' invitation to eat at His table. To accept His approach to living. To believe that what he says about good, and God, and Jesus as God, and all my ugliness being covered by his sacrifice as true. Currently true. So true in fact, that my life would forever be shaped by the knowledge that this force of good is current and active and available.
Could have been the effexor, or the exhaustion, or the fifty gazillion things doing laps in my brain... but the relief and clarity flowed wet down my cheeks as I joined my church family in holy communion.
Life is confusing. There are many aspects of religion that I've grown weary of. But I never cease to be moved when I recognize the invitation to come and eat. That Jesus is current. That getting all the answers is not my salvation. That heaven is not some faraway hope to hold out for, but more than that, a reality to live out beginning right now.
So, once again, and likely another fifty gazillion times over again, this is my choice.
To come. To eat.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Actually, that brings up a host of even uglier emotions-- envy, for one. I covet her talent, her old home, her apparent 47 hour day, her slim hips, her delicious fabrics, her vision.
But because it is a new year, and I ought to be resolving to be positive or something, I'm going to embrace the wonderful goodness in my own reality. And I'll start by posting a few fabulous photos from New Years at Lake Caribou.
Friday, January 04, 2008
This Post Brought to you by a Mood Disorder
I wouldn't wish any health challenges on anyone. And maybe because I don't know better, I sometimes think it would be "easier" to have a more "normal" challenge. There is no diagnostic blood test. (except the ones to check how your liver is doing...) The mental illnesses department has no fancy scanner to confirm just exactly what name you can pin on your symptoms. There are treatments available, but its a series of trial and error, patience, and decisions. (do you need chemicals? herbal remedies? lifestyle changes? exorcisms?) Sometimes, you're a lifer. You take an SSRI once or three times a day for the rest of your life; you take your chances with side effects and liver damage, and you find your symptoms managed. But sometimes, you are not a lifer. You take your meds until some mysterious series of chemical reactions occur in your neurotransmitters, then you wean off your meds, and voila! case closed. But how do you know which category you fit into? Remember- there are no tests. So, if you want to find out whether you're a lifer or not, you pretty much take your chances with sanity while you clear the SSRIs out of your bloodstream.
And did I mention side effects? Well, coming off those little capsules can open a virtual floodgate of weirdness and owies. So, while your head hurts, you're feeling dizzy and nauseated, a Leon's ad makes you cry, and you can barely stay conscious past 6 pm.... That's the time of life that you should be evaluating how the whole "cutting back" thing is working out for ya. Actually, that may not be the time. What you should actually do is wait about three months until the discontinuation syndrome is completely resolved.
Then you should take the time to rationally decide whether you are still struggling with depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive thoughts, feelings of hopelessness, exhaustion. You should make a logical, rational decision.
Oh, and did I mention that the organ involved in that decision making process happens to be the same organ that's not quite functioning up to snuff?
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
who knew banking could be this (un)comfortable?
Well, actually, I was back to work today, so I got Brian to give the bank a call. Only to learn that their phone lines were jammed due to a storm in Fredrickton and the waiting time was 30 to 45 minutes. Ouch. Brian kept laying the receiver on the counter, baking a couple of layer cakes, then returning to check for a human voice. Unfortunately, the voice didn't wait for him, and eventally Brian returned to a dead phone line....
So, I waited until toddler rest time, and I got on the phone myself. By this point, I had made myself nauseous with ridiculous scenarios of how I'd likely missed so many payments that three men in business suits were very nearly at my back door with large scissors, wielding a copy of our mortgage agreement and slowly shaking their heads back and forth. I humbly waited on the line, praying that the representative wouldn't by this time be enraged by the whole snowstorm in Fredrickton deal. I hoped she had time for a smoke break, with a big old mug of hot coffee to boot.
And the columns were lining up for me. I got a cheery, helpful gal and I even remembered my security password without too many attempts or patient reminders from the representative. I explained to her that something had gone awry on the 28th, resulting in blocked access to my account. I stifled the urge to apologize and offer to bake her an apple pie for her trouble.
Being more an accountant than an artist, she quickly identified the problem. Two cheques that I had depositied had not been cleared due to an error that she could not immediately identify.
I felt immediately relieved, almost shamefully grateful that it had been someone else, and not I who had made an embarrassing clerical error.
But as the woman on the line read aloud the name on the cheque that was in question, my feelings of relief were quickly replaced by nausea that rivalled its counterpart. This time my stomach turned and my tears involuntarily joined the dance.
The cheques were from my dad. My dad, the meticulous bookkeeper. My dad the chequebook-balancer extraordinair. My smart, capable, scrupulous dad.
It is possible that I am over reacting. It is possible that dad had an "artist" day and just didn't quite get all the cheque details right.
But regardless of that possibility, I'm going to cry a little anyway. My dad is 86 and he's finally acting his age. It took him an awfully long time to get to that point, and not that long ago, it was him the "old people" phoned in the dead of the night for a ride to the emerg. But in 2007, dad lost his drivers licence. His ability to walk continues to decline. The stroke has affected his ability to make decisions and process information. Tests show that he has had several heart attacks, in addition to the infamous stroke. His arteries vital to his head and heart are significantly blocked.
And so, 2008 is adding up to be another year to process loss.
(and practice my accounting skills..... seeing as the black suited guys didn't snip my mortgage to smitherines.)
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Hildebrand Christmas
I managed to order a photo of the boys wearing underwear on their heads and a black and white of the girls that they thought was acceptable and not completely revolting. I'm sure that was worth the approximately five hours I spent on it..... And it left me with just enough time to rush out to the bookstore and purchase a gift that I knew I needed to get since last Thanksgiving..... It just isn't easy choosing something for someone you really don't know... is fourteen.... and ultra conservative. I landed up with a novel depicting a family of Amish children. Pretty pathetically obvious that I was terrified to offend.
Then off to the gas station to top up that thirsty old tank. Wouldn't Brian be pleased at how I took care of all the finer details in life? Especially when my debit card refused to work, and I was forced to back out of the store slowly, uttering sheepish apologies, and promising to rush right back.; after all, my house was only two blocks away. and I'd be back..... just as soon as I found out which pair of my pants had my other, more reliable card in its right buttcheek pocket.
That's when I proudly realized that I'd locked the keys in the van.
Yes, folks! She has blocked the one-way gas traffic, she refuses to pay her bill, and now she's just going to skip along home, dragging her sorry ass behind her, trying to run with all that eggnog coagulating in her thighs. She's going to RUN AWAY from the gas station. RUN to find her credit card. RUN back to move that van, pay that bill, and still get home in time to pack the puppy, the kids, the gifts, the this and the thats. I think her husband will surely arise and call her blessed.
And did I mention that I'd not quite finished Christmas shopping? Oh, the jen/gin bag was done, and the funfun Amish book was bought, the catapult lego was packed, and the lameoid in-law gift was good to go. But we still had to stop at wal-mart to get those glamour shots of the boys, and a gift card for that special someone. oh, and some toilet paper. Some matters take no pause, regardless of the virgin birth.
But I was reminded soon enough of how the relentless march of life doesn't pause for any reason . We learned shortly after our arrival that our brother-in-law's father had suddenly died just minutes prior to our arrival. Not long after that, another family member excused himself to go deal with a nasty domestic violence issue in his extended family.
And I felt terribly sad. Sad for all the losses, all the injustices, all the inevitable pain that comes of loving people, all the enabling we do out of ignorance. Sad for Ken, for what might have been. Sad for ambiguous losses, measurable losses, immeasurable losses. Sad for how little we can really do to help anyone at times. Sad for all the loss still left to come.
This doesn't tidily segue back into the beginning of the post. The part about sideshow Joyce bubbling her way into a Christmas gathering. And in a way, that's just exactly the way life goes. While running home for your "good card", someone somewhere else is beating the crap out of his wife. Someone somewhere else is having their body ravaged with leukemia.
There are so many simultaneous realities, so much sadness, so much hilarity in this life.
And there isn't a cozy or amusing way to sum that up.
Friday, December 28, 2007
What do You Get When You Cross a Gin With a Jen?
Do you think a teetotaler-ing relative will love a gin insired Bible bag?!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Random.
So, for now, I've hidden myself away in my room to the smells of Brian cooking, and the strains of my trademark Kenny Rogers Christmas in Kentucky cassette tape. I've nauseated myself on that tape every Christmas for a pretty long stretch now.
Christmas elicits a lot of stuff. Good stuff, fattening stuff, emotional stuff, exhausting stuff, messy stuff. So much processed (that would be the fattening stuff) and ever-so-much UN-processed.(mostly deposits inside the cranial space). Hence, the fear of writing at all.
But writing is so helpful. It's like getting some great shelving in big-old-house closet. You know those weird, badly designed after-thought-closets that can only be made useful with some splendid shelving idea? Well, that's kind of how I see writing. You lay out all the stuff, then you figure out what stays, what goes, and what cubby hole to tuck some other things into until a relevant time. Messy, though.
Lets begin with family life. When my anxiety/irritability index is on the higher end of the scale, I tend to perceive my immediate family with mild to moderate and then into finger-nail-off-ripping panic. I berate myself for all the better parenting I should have known about and practised starting from 13.5 years ago and into the present. I wonder about my current parenting status- what am I right now screwing up or missing that I'll be beating myself up for 13.5 years from now when one or two of my adult children are living off of frozen pizza pops and cheezies in my basement? What important questions am I neglecting to ask them right now? What investments of time, energy, listening... whatever am I currently too preoccupied or selfish or lazy to put into play? Why do my children appear to be bored and have no apparent clue of how to occupy themselves within 25 hours of a fullblown, generous, exciting Christmas?! Why does my son have roughly ten billion lego sets in his room, yet wander from fridge to couch to microwave to computer screen, even if he knows that he can not log on until 2:00 pm? Is his brain so completely mushified that he is content to do the boredom wander for five hours for one blessed hour of computer time?!
I think I need to talk about hemmorroids or hairy nipples for a while. This offspring topic is really stressing me out.
Or, we could indulge ourselves in the other hot topic that's about to get a tonne of air time. FAT. Are you ready? You are about to get hit with a barage of propoganda, yes, even more than usual. Because after a few weeks of overindulging anybody with so much as a "D" in marketing knows that we want to listen to 23.5 hours a day of information on how to lose weight, look like you spend all your time working out, and never ever be hungry or sad or lonely or needy or confused again. And this begs the question(s). Which "team" are we on? Are we going to get sucked into that giant vortex? Are we going to snivel around guiltily bemoaning all those pots of gold, birdies with cranberry, deeply fried fondues, and all the gloriously lazing sitting about we did over the Christmas break? Are we going to follow stupidly behind every exercise guru who prompts us to sculpt and lipo and flex and sweat?
Are we going to look around for permission to be lumpy? chubby? saggy?
ooh, boy. Who knows another topic?
Thoughts, anyone on too-much-thinking-at-Christmas? how about this question: What is preoccupying your brain these days? Give me three. And if you are one of those gals or fellas who doesn't over analyze to hemoraging proportions, then do me a favour and fake it.
Throw me a bone.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
A Few Of My Favourite Things
We just love our little baby Shadow. She is completely delightful, she gives the girls something to agree on, she's too young to be yappy, and contrary to what people warned; it is NOT just like having a humanchild baby. Here's the difference: I get to keep my shirt on at all times- DRY, and as far as I know, its not illegal to lock her in the bathroom and go out for dinner.
My nieces got chenille pillowcases with their names on them, (unphotographed), my friend Cheri got a framed "raggy anne" (unphotographed), there was the last minute bag that is shown above, and I did a few button collages. There was no pressure, since these were not obligatory gifts, but something that I simply wanted to spend time doing. That time became available after 5:30 pm friday when I knew that my stretch of daycare holidays began.
And those are just a few of my favourite things this Christmas. I've not mentioned the amazing curry we've eaten, the Christmas eve candlelight service, trying to skate after a lot of winters of not skating, Sammy air banding to "Frosty the Snowman", Micah's new racetrack from uncle Mel, seeing my nieces at grandma and grandpa Kehler's, spending time ALONE (seriously one of my mostest favouritest things), taking my daughter to FutureShop at 5:30 this morning, sleeping with a wee puppy, not potty training other people's children, my crazy stash of gifts from my generous and kind daycare people, playing with fabric and buttons, stacking my new books that I can't wait to read, getting the fridge cleaned out after a seriously long hiatus, drinking wine with every meal, or without a meal, not being bound to the clock, letting Brian do the cooking....................
Friday, December 21, 2007
Pot'o'Gold Day
Actually, today is pot'o'gold AND puppy day.
When Brian graduated from Brandon University, we had two very young daughters, and a son soon to come. Unfortunately there was not an abundance of teaching jobs to be had at the time. We muddled through another four or five years of piecing together casual jobs, substitute teaching, and term positions before Brain got his first full year term teaching early years.
The first exciting thing we transitioned into was eating suppers as a family. I think me and the kids had eaten our way through many a McGavins factory eating toast and peanut butter before Brian started showing up for dinner and I discovered that our kitchen contained a fully functioning stove and range. (well.... except when it wasn't functioning....)
Quite possibly the second most exciting event became pot'o'gold day. This is a highly under-celebrated national event whose time has come for some unapologetic adulation. Now that Brian is a bonified teacher, who actually teaches, and regularly gets generously compensated for his wisdom and creativity, We Too have been ushered into the holy rites of pot'o'gold celebratory practise.
On the very last day of school, when the children begin to engage in unabashed fantasy of bionicles and bratz and broken oh henry bars; our school leaders quietly commiserate to torture our children endlessly with large screen tvs and twenty thousand dozen home baked cookies. Some thoughtful caregiver will throw a bag of ketchup chips into their child's backpack to share with the class. All that white, refined sugar needs an antidote: deeply fried, chemical smeared crispets drenched in blood pressure altering salt.
But I digress.
While the teachers patiently endure a long day of macaroons and chips, Christmas oranges and pepsi, the traditions of pot'o'gold are simultaneously unfolding. Children come before their leader and offer sacrifices of: Christmas mugs their parents received from their company Christmas last year and always hated, handmade drawings, depicting their beloved teacher deep in a well in wintertime, tins of homemade fudge and rumballs, (well.... rumballs only if you live in the catchment within thirty minutes of the big,bad, dirty city. Or, if you live in a town that has so strayed from its pacifist roots that it actually closets off a portion of its grocery store to sell the evil ingredient within...) Then there are the candy canes, the handmade tree ornaments, the dreaded "teachers are the bestest" paraphenalia, some nummy packets of coffee, and of course, some pot'o'golds.
Brian comes home at the end of that day with a look of relief verging on utter kleenex soaking, emotional breakdown and carrying a large box containing the year's booty. I hand him a beer, and then the kids and I lose all sense of reason. We pull out each offering, ooohing and aaaahhing and smacking and licking. We sigh and sort and stack and weep from the sheer joy of it. We stretch out on the davenport and feed one another samples of pinkinsides, orangeinsides, mocha, and caramel. We indulge in candycane flavoured hot chocolate mix slurped out of
#1 teacher mugs, sniffing the air for rich coffee and biscotti.
But this year, we will add a brand new element.
Tonight, at the departure of Joyce's last daycare cherub, we will open the door to a new family member. A small, furry, black-haired, blue-eyed baby dog named Shadow.
Now, change is never easy and I have been warned. A puppy is much like a humanchild infant. But this change should entail entirely new challenges, since from what I hear, a dog can not tolerate chocolate. No, a mere morsal of chocolate can be fatal to a wee dog.
But, like the lion and the lamb, and the spring that surely follows the winter, I will press on. This year, will be pot'o'gold AND puppy day. I feel sure of it.
Because on pot'o'gold day, Anything is possible.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Is It Getting Hot in Here... Or is it Just Me?!
Its gonna be hard to hobnob with the every day citizen, now that I'm a hot celebrity. Yep, did I mention PUBLISHED, hot celebrity? I'll likely have to dye my hair black and wear a cap just to get to the Co-op and buy a paper. Likely the National Post next time, or maybe MacLeans (Most influential people.... I suspect). The Times is another option I would consider, maybe Jeez magazine, probably the Cosmopolotan. Just not the Winnipeg Sun.
~
Oh, its gonna be hard to be humble, now that fame has spread to the highways, the biways, the bigways, the darps, the villes, and the orts. I must be careful to supplement my wardrobe with items other than ugly sweaters and newsprint. I must not forget the responsibilities that come with fame and prestige. I have mouths that must be fed, relationships to maintain.
~
No, this prairie girl will never forget from whence she came, no matter where the paparazzi will take her.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Christmas Carols for the Differently-Psychiatrically-Abled
Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and.....
Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells........
* sent to me some years ago.... seems many of us can relate...
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Coming off Heroin
noun
Definition:
addictive narcotic: a white powder derived from morphine that is a highly addictive narcotic drug. It is prohibited for medical use in most countries. ( often used before a noun ) a heroin addict
[Late 19th century. < German]
Spelling Note
heroin or heroine? Do not confuse the spelling of heroin and heroine, which sound similar. Heroin is an addictive drug, as in heroin users, an overdose of heroin. A heroine is a brave woman or girl or the main woman or girl character of a novel, play, or movie.
It started on a bicycle, on the cusp of winter, cycling away from a band concert carrying three bags of miscellaneous things that apparently were vital to my very survival. The car had been stolen from the exit of the school gym by its rightful owner and I'd jumped out of the van my relatives were driving when I recognized the inherent danger therein. I made my way across the frozen lake, into a grove of trees that would serve as our shelter through the night. The bags had multiplied into a backpack, a tall hat, dress shoes, mittens, and three babies. I sat at the edge of the lake, washing mittens until daybreak while the babies guarded the bicycle. That's when we noticed that the lake had thawed and we'd never make it to the discount grocery store for chocolate chips in time for a tour of the museum in fifteen minutes.
Have to find another way.
We began to hike into the trees, picking parsley for sustenance and trying not to lose infants in the underbrush. That's when we saw the old farm "half-ton" truck. A little rusty, reminiscent of dad in healthier days, and clearly not an off road vehicle.
But I had to play the trombone at the museum. Or I'd lose my job. and there was that miniature chest of drawers at that out-of-the-way thrift shop for only four dollars. There was no denying it. I would have to find a way out. A way to survive.
I had no keys. I had three babies. I'd lost my mittens.
And it begs the question:
heroin or heroine? Heroin is an addictive drug, as in heroin users, an overdose of heroin. A heroine is a brave woman or girl or the main woman or girl character.........
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
junior high band concerts (and She Rants; Indiscriminately)
Is it really in the community's best interest to generate potential for mass rioting via the cacophony of hormone fueled blasting and squeaking; whilst confined to an enclosed space without adequate exits and air flow?! Not to speak of the prairie storm cooking outdoors, threatening to trap us indoors without sufficient caffiene or chocolate until spring thaw?
Ah, yes, Winter. Such a pretty concept. So lovely in photographs. Its not dissimilar from weaning oneself off of antidepressants, coffee, and sex in one single, solitary afternoon while sitting on a polyester cushion in a choir loft at a Mennonite funeral. Let's try to market that idea for a moment. For the next four to six months, you will be essentially trapped in your home, with four to seven preschoolers, inadequate sunlight, with moon sand and playdough as the only toys of choice. You will be susceptible to a rare form of scurvy, brought on by the desparation of entrapment- the symptoms which include: rampant cellulite exaccerbated by a compulsion to eat ice cream with chocolate sauce, frozen almond bark, potfuls of mashed potatoes and chili, while gripping a mug of caffienne and rolling from side to side on a twenty dollar couch, groping about for a remote control. The initial symptoms to watch for include: noise sensitivity, teeth grinding, nail biting, cluttered-counter-itis-ness, wheezing, screaming, and foaming at one's mouth..... swearing, hoarding, bathing, irritability, complete loss of capacity to reason, smudged windows (symptomatic of banging one's head repeatedly, crying WHY, WHY, WHY? and gazing toward the south in hopes of the sighting of some Canada goose making the trek back and heralding the arrival of spring....)
Contrary to what you may read in popular propoganda; there is no real cure.
The only treatments are symptomatic. Optimistic organizations plan indoor events to help pass the time and to bring "at risk" individuals into community, hoping to provide support and stem the inevitable flow of mentally and physically affected townspeople from reaking havoc in the drifts of society.
Some of the more popular ideas include band concerts.
Followed closely by Mennonite funerals, church conferences which speak of romance in jungles far far away with no snow, and seminars in which one is challenged to give up food, sex, fossil fuels, and Sorels and just spend more time indoors,
PRAYING FOR SPRING.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Today I Just Wanna.....
I want to play the artist today. Go into my room, chain smoke, run my fingers through my hair, sigh deeply, get up to refill my coffee cup.....
Maybe by two oclock I could write something brilliant or sew something stupendous.
I want to mend Micah's pants, which ALL have blown knees, except the ones that he says are dorky because they have the wrong colour stripe on them and he refuses to wear them.
I want to work on the five or so bags that I'd like completed for Christmas. I want space for my mind to wander, to get lost in my buttons, fabric, piecing.
I want to wander over to the church, sans kids, and lose myself in the decorating of the place.
I want to vacuum the porch, which is quite gritty.
I want to stop clearing the same $^%$# stretch of kitchen counter which is never actually cleared, only partially cleared, and only just barely in time to prepare more ^%$%^& food for some individual who will surely starve if they are not fed that moment.
I want the individual who invented the sadistic, perverse concept of "moon sand" to be relocated to a small, desert island.
I want a decent backrub.
I don't want any super-sympathetic comments because I know that I'm being dramatic and that my life is really terrific. So, ROSE, this may be your oppurtunity to leave me one of those "get over yourself" comments.....
Monday, December 10, 2007
On Loving People
But there's more than one parallel to "real life". Who doesn't hide behind something? Who isn't afraid on some level of people's judgements, hatred, misunderstanding?
Life as a human is chock full of relationships. And it doesn't take any amount of insight to know that loving people is a quagmire of complications, subject to perspective bound interpretations.
Which brings me to God, and love, and authenticity. The more you allow life to grow you, the more people you love. The more people you allow into your heart, the more your heart expands to allow for the numbers. The more people taking up your heart space, the more you realize how much pain, ugliness, disappointment, and sorrow there is in this life. The more you recognize its existance, the more you want to be useful in some capacity, to ease the pain, to be part of a solution, but ironically, you simultaneously realize that you can "help" no one, that you are utterly bound in your own selfishness and stunted desires and distracting mind games.
Which brings me back to God. And back to the question about how do we people want to live these lives we've been given? I've got to say, that for myself, despite the pain and sense of powerlessness, I wouldn't have it any other way- at least when I think of the richness brought about through human relationships. What wealth we share in terms of beauty in a whole bunch of broken people desiring to give one another a hand up and a shoulder to cry on, and some stuff to laugh about- Together. It provides a sense that God is very creative and makes all sorts of different people for all sorts of different reasons.
On Sunday at church, I listened to a fitting teaching about God and His sense of direction. How the Spirit of Jesus speaks in ways we can each hear. Through the boredom, the monotony, the looooooong stretches of life where no miracles or "breakthroughs" occur in your life. Where you are angry, disillusioned, mad at God, not sure any more why you are compelled to follow that "still, small voice" since it doesn't seem to be taking you into any euphoric mountaintop places or even into a place of endless patience with your spouse and children. But I got a picture of prayer moving things in the spiritual that goes beyond my sense of immediacy and my desired results. I saw a picture of us all being interlocked in varying and creative ways. That a loving heart- a heart that loves God, hurts when others hurt. Cries when others cry. Lends a hand.
How does this relate to the witness protection program? Here's how I see it. We ought not be too quick to judge others, or to offer them really valuable advice, unless it compells relentlessly from that place deep inside. People's pain won't disappear because of a seven point address on why they are hurting, what they did wrong to get hurt in the first place, and how to turn into a better person so that they don't keep getting hurt. I think our good intentions to make people feel better often drives them away. Sends them into hiding. Then we can pretend that they are not hurting anymore, because we don't have to listen to it any more. i think that a more accurate truth is that we are all mixed up all the time. We all struggle with something. We all stumble over some repetitive theme til we want to scream and run for the hills.
And we all have the capacity to listen. To tune into how to love one another. It's bound to be flawed. Its bound to be painful.
But would you really have it any other way?
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Friday, December 07, 2007
Friday Fifty: Possibly Using the Word "I" Fifty times
I may have fifty things on my mind.
I may feel fifty today.
I had one of those nights that lasted fifty years. Training for a new job, I had to go to the bathroom, I had brought six kids with me, I packed a broken stroller and a backpack and a wheelbarrow full of stuff to take with me. I had chili slow-cooking in the microwave in the conference room. There was a very boring church seminar going on in that room, and the boys were being embarrassingly loud, there were piles of lego and game pieces spread across the room, between chairs, and occasionally I'd look up from under someone's chair, smelling of chili, picking up lego, and recognize a boyfriend from my youth. How dorky did I turn out?!
I blame it on my back. It hurts. Brian won't massage it because of his stupid splinted finger. (handy, faking that whole ligament/snappy/splint thing..... LIKELY STORY).
Today is Sam's fifth birthday. Maybe around the forty-nineth post of the day I'll write something sentimental and poetic but not now. My back hurts. Did I mention that the backache makes my head ache? And that it would be easy to resolve- take some tylenol for the head and do my pilates DVD for the back? But I don't want to . I'm tired, and my back hurts. And I'd rather whine about my back and my fat thighs than do an exercise DVD. That's how crazy I am.
BUT.
Do rush out and buy the wpg free press tomorrow morning. Then look up the DETOUR section. You'll see a much more joyful version of joyce over there. All decked out in her red ugly sweater, surrounded by her ugly friends.
I've got a housefull of kids today, for which I'm grateful, since Christmas is coming up and I'll be taking a week and a half off. Without pay. (duh). But did I mention that my back hurts and I was running all night pushing a broken stroller with six kids needing to go pee and training for a new job?! And that I slept in, waking up exactly one minute before I heard a car pull up on the driveway to drop off the first little cherub of the day? Oh, how I hate it when I sleep in. Its a "DOOFUS of the DAY" award in the making.
And who of you has the courage to admit that you've ever watched or even listened to a Barbie DVD? I've got a kid who brings it every single day. And since she's here at an undecent hour, I'm utterly spineless and I put it on. But I hate it. It even dummer than any lame Barbie thing that you could come up with in your most depraved imaginations.
Have I whined about fifty things yet?
Thursday, December 06, 2007
A Few Found a Good Home
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Nothing Inspiring- I'm Too Tired
I stand corrected. Eight pints of energy, quite possibly the same amount of sweat; and an indeterminate amount of patience.
Anyone know a good massage therapist who does pressure points and deep tissue massage?
Gifts
I've noticed that super toys are kind of like lingerie. Just go ahead and chuck it on the floor. That's where it will all land up anyway.
So, this year, I'm breaking all sorts of holy rites of Christmas passage. I took the girls shopping this weekend and when they saw a shirt that they liked and were willing to spend their own money on it, I simply took it from them and mentioned that they would find it in their stocking on Christmas Eve. They did the same for me. We went to the thrift shop together and as we went through the cast-offs, they picked up stuff for me after asking for my "yea" or "nay". I'm sure that this year, I won't get any annoying chunks of mass-produced stuff. nope. I'll get OLD, fabulous stuff that was mass produced a long time ago. Much better.
I just really don't get the wonder in us all writing lists of stuff that we want, right down to the producer and record cover, then "secretly" sneaking off to purchase the very things that we are completely specific about. Its just weird.
My favourite gifts are the weird ones anyway. The five brightly painted cats that Brian got at The Forks. The three black cats he bought me at Ten Thousand Villages way back when we were practically just kids. The old light fixtures that got dropped off at my house a few days ago. Buttons sent from England. A lustreware teacup. Old quilts. Red rollerskates.
Here's where it gets complicated. I'm afraid that people have been way too thoughtful.
So, who of you needs me to rush off to Dollarama and BJ SuperToys because that's what you really like instead of old crap from a thrift store?!
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Family Tradition (based on many true stories...)
She poured herself another coffee, and with a wistful smile playing on the corners of her mouth she descended into the basement to rummage through her carefully stored baubles and tinsel. Ahhhhh! There it was- Kenny Rogers' 1981 Christmas collection. She could practically taste the Kentucky Homemade Christmas wafting through the loving family's house as the children busied themselves with Santa colouring books and wax crayons and the boys set up the electric train set on the floor near the thawing scotch pine. Maybe she'd make waffles! A new tradition that the children were sure to speak of for many generations to come.
Her reverie was jarringly interrupted by the offending sounds of the boys fighting over the nintendo game cube. Seems one wanted to play Tony Hawk and the other preferred something a little more irreverent, hopefully with some violence or inappropriate language. She sighed, and wiped her sweaty palms across Rudolph's midriff, reaching into the fridge for eggs, milk, and eggnog. Once the waffles were made, everything was going to be just perfect. They'd have time for board games, twister, and maybe some neighborhood carrolling!
But first the festive waffle bonanza; maybe some green food colouring in the white sauce. She best call the girls, so last night's rather long trail of dishes could get washed and put away. It was hard to feel festive amongst last night's dehydrating goat cheese remnants and coagulating spinach dip saturating the pumpernickel bread on the arbourite counter. She'd forgotten that firstborn had gone to her best friend's for a sleepover last night. Better give her a call and remind her what a special day December the First was!
Daughter number one was just starting a boy-meets-girl movie and mumbled some less than impressed sentiment about eggnog and tree decorating. Well, she conceded, the waffles would take a while anyway. The milk had soured and a run to the store was in order, so she may as well be accomodating about the movie. Besides, she needed to stop at the tree lot to peruse the rows of trees and enjoy the indulgence of choosing the Perfect Christmas Tree.
Coffee in hand, she rushed out the door, and waltzed down the street, carols of fa-la-la resounding in her imagination. Within minutes, she had the tree in hand. It would fit perfectly between the couch and the chair, its conservative branches holding modestly to its two inch trunk. It was ideal for showcasing the vintage bulbs she had been collecting for years on end. Singing "Deck the Halls" a little louder now, she hurried home, dragging the nearly weightless tree behind her. She hoped to drown out the nagging memory of last Christmas when the children had accused her of bringing home the ugliest tree ever. Couldn't they understand the charm of a natural tree, and get over the ridiculous idealism of a fifty dollar, perfectly dome-shaped, hormone injected tree spectacle?
She snuck it in and quickly planted it into the tree stand. With several meters of tissue paper, and the lid of a pizza box wrapped around the tree's base, the fasteners held the anemic trunk perfectly in place. Now for the lights. Quickly, before the kids notice. Only two strings were working, and half of the singing one. Oh well! Another reason for a modest tree- it shouldn't take many lights to get to the top of this specimen. And the ornaments were sure to get their due respect without the bothersome prickle of garish branches and needles competing for space.
The tinny sounds of "God Rest You, Merry Gentlemen" on the half-blinking string of lights awoke daughter number two. She limped down the stairs, groaning audibly at the spectacle that graced their front window. Sleep-deprived firstborn simultaneously appeared on the back doorstep. She made no pretense of joy at the anticipated burden of hanging out with her three junior siblings and holiday crazed parents, decorating a tree with three or four branches.
Everyone was hungry by now, and there was just no time for those homemade waffles if the house were to be festively adorned by nightfall. Eggos would just have to do, she sighed, throwing her holiday apron on the back of the couch. The kids in the background began an ungrateful chorus about her choice of tree, how gangly the branches, how sparce its boughs.
Guilt smote her then. Who was she to think that she was less than Mother- sacrificer of all opinions, desires, practicalities? Who was she to rob these precious children of their one chance at a merry, merry, joy-infused yuletide? Perhaps she had better reconsider. Back to the tree lot she ventured, tired by now, slumped across her steering wheel, staring woodenly out the small frost-free zone of her windshield. Somehow the romance of walking in a winter wonderland now seemed like a crazy poem she once heard in a seminar somewhere, years before when parenting was a concept and not a gritty reality.
She'd settle on a different tree this time- one that would inspire the family to join her in her songs and tinsel. She breathed deeply, resolute. But her feet had minds of their own and she soon found herself gazing longingly at the gangly, lonely orphans in the north corner of the lot. AHA!! Leaning near the back, right up against the fence, was the perfect, perfect compromise. Yes, it was a spruce, and not a pine (which her tasteless offspring had shamelessly begged for). But it was a big spruce!
There was no time for delivery.
She pause, and thought her plan through briefly. Very briefly. There wasn't much time left to make the bestest christmas tradition ever.
She waited until all the carrolling townspeople looked pretty busy and distracted by their steaming mugs of apple cider, and then she dragged that big beauty up alongside of the van. The rear hatch was frozen shut, but she was not to be deterred. It would be a MERRY CHRISTMAS, and it was gonna start tonight, even if it very nearly killed her. The rear of the gas station opened into the back lane, which was very under-used, and quite possibly the only alley in the whole town that did not require mowing in the summer. Just there at the end of the half block of back lane, she could see the house, and could very nearly make out the sounds of her children singing "Merrily, Merrily Carrolling". Hope restored, she hopped into the drivers seat, the trunk of that big tree resting on her thigh. Sighing contented sighs and humming along to her imaginary Kenny Rogers Christmas, she eased into the lane and headed towards home. She found herself involuntarily breaking into rather high-pitched peals of holiday inspired laughter now, and simultaneously passed two men in half ton trucks who looked themselves to be very full of the Christmas spirit themselves, grinning ear to ear as they were. She couldn't pause to speculate whether it had much to do with ten feet of spruce dragging along the snowy street beside her weaving van. She smiled and waved, acting very nonchalant, careful not to let the tree slip off her thigh, or have the pine needles embed themselves into her soft tissue. Relieved to be home again, with her prize tree intact, she hurriedly pulled the tall green specimen straight into the house, anticipating the sure, appreciative pleasure of her offspring.
She had underestimated the heights of her ceilings. The eleven feet of splendor would surely not fit vertically in an eight foot room.
After sawing off the bottom three feet, the concession tree, stained with the blood and sweat of mother guilt looked exactly like the original gangly spruce.
It looked like December the First was to become an unforgettable Christmas tradition after all.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Holiday Newsletter
Her eldest daughter applied herself diligently to facebook and was acqiring the necessary skills of well-applied mascara. Her mother's nearly retired dream of entering her into pagaents seemed once again within reach.
Second born had recently been observed staring longingly at Avril Lavigne's album cover, twirling her hair wistfully, and reaching for a darker shade of eye liner.
The boy had been so easy to care for. He'd spent hours in his bedroom, entertaining himself and saving his allowance for a couple of more challenging video games. His wrists showed promising ripples of strength from the dedication and commitment to acquiring new levels.
The little one, indulge-ed wonder child never ceased to charm all with his crescendoing whine and demands to all possessions of all persons entering his territory. He showed tremedous potential for politics and was sure to appeal to a wide population with his spiderman slippers in one hand and the pink tutu in the other.
And Mr Perfect Family member had never looked better in workboots; slicing and dicing in the kitchen, never ceasing to entice more and more members into his Moosewood pyramid scheme cult.
Nope, things could hardly look better, she mused, studying herself in the mirror. She'd grown into forty with so much grace, and no signs whatsoever of impending crisis.
Their mortgage was practically untouched, so engaged had they been in the various celebrations of life, and learning to love their neighbors. And the echoeing spaces of their now baby-free home was soon to be filled with the piddling and whining of a perfect little puppy. The cat couldn't be more excited.
No, it could not be denied.
They were practically perfect in every way.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
We Are soooooooooo NOT a bed AND breakfast
~
A gal like me has got only so much strength.
~
That poor puss was freezing and I couldn't stand it. So, I found room in the inn, and managed to contain her to the bathroom for the first 24 hours or so. She already knew she owned the place, so within 48 hours, she had taken over the beds, the heat-spewing vents, the food dish, the basement, and well..... the house.
~
She said we could stay.
If we wanted.
~
Then she discovered the best reality game EVER.
~
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Nobody is Happy All The Time
The bathroom smells funny.
I'm sickened by the brutality of Darfur's women and I'm sickened by my thighs.
This sickens me.
Papa's blood is slowing. Clogging.
Limping
Forgetting.
I dream disturbing dreams of rats and spirits.
I feel
sad.
irritable.
guilty.
The cat needs
as do the
kids.
fridge.
stockings.
Guilt, widening.
Thighs, spreading.
Cat stares at me through the window.
cold.
waiting.