Does this Ass Make my Bow Look Big? Reflections of a Party Well Spent

The people who showed up were entirely out of my control, aside from the fact that they read about it on the blog. The misconception that I hand-picked young beauties who still fit bridesmaids gowns from yesteryear is simply that: a misconception. Some of the well-bowed guests did offer their rsvp's, and so I anticipated their attendence. Especially the eager returnees of last November's ugly sweater party. A certain teacher stole the show with her immaculately put together fuscia princess dress, matching corsage, flower halo, white gloves, and matching dyed pumps. Not to mention the shimmering blue eye shadow. What a picture. She was accompanied by a woman so convincing in her back-combed bangs that others were unsure of whether to mock them or assume that she was indeed stuck in a theme from high school.

And the hot red bridal party! I swear that I did not set this up. There were a few people in that bunch that I really did not know, much less know that they would come to the party. AND THAT WOULD BE THE POINT!! I am hoping to quell any misperceptions so that next parties, all you wall flowers will have the courage to don your own masks and come out to celebrate with us. There is nothing that makes me happier than strangers coming to my house for a party. Especially a byop type. Well, except for perhaps the guests who are no longer strangers because they came to the last one!

I had a certain wedding planner roll in here with luggage on wheels! It was filled to the brim, and overflowing with helpful products for any and all wedding mishaps. Who knew that ky made an excellent facial product? Who knew that maxi pads are a convenient stand-in for shoulder pads? The planner, along with her fuscia and royal blue entourage were responsibly ferried here by some very frightened, and mildly amused looking men-folk, who knew to scurry off to the city once their deliveries were safely made. (but not without an enthusiastic nuptual hug and kiss....)

There were a few needy, hungry aunties sniffing around the place for some action. One even managed to influence some more ethical , moral guests to take a midnight romp to the local gas station to check around for "batteries". (uh, HUH.) Ironically, it was the wedding planner who got lucky with a very tolerant daisy-spinning guest's beau. Wow. Seems like that wedding planner has really gotten around... no wonder she prepared for such a wide variety of relationship scenarios....

Who knew that one of the most conservative, respectable faces around town actually sports a slutty tattoe on her backside. Some things will never cease to amaze me. She probably hangs out at the carwash on weekends, getting her glittery, lycra gown all damp.... Probably with that gal who hides a whole lotta red underneath all that flowing white. Then there was that lot who wore the red all on the outside! Some of the backs were a little more scooping than others. Some soooo scooping that they never made it to the party at all!

The three brides provided some unique challenges. One keep trying to pull a Julia Roberts on us, so we keep a stern outlook for any white steeds wandering about the darp. The other swished about conspicuously in her tight-fitting pearls shamelessly flaunting her sixteen year old figure. Her and that fallen-off-ed little thing from the big city. Imagine. Showing up in a baptismal dress that fit her in the early seventies. And she was only four then. Hummmmph.

What a relief that a relative showed up in an appropriate, respectful, flattering green ensemble with a wedding hat that would make the queen mother proud. And she hasn't forgotten wedding etiquette either! Nope, that thoughtful, svelt young thing brought proper fruit cake cut in tiny rectangles and wrapped in aluminum foil. Gives me hope for the next generation.

Although, I suppose its entirely too late for that gregarious hussy who insisted on lopping seven inches off the bottom of her pleated floral skirt midway through the toast to the bride...

dun-dum-tee-dum, dun, dum, tee dum....

Dear Diary:

Today is the day! Its going to be so special! I just know that I was made for a time such as this. Will the pumps match perfectly? Will the hairspray hold? Oh, and I just know that its gonna rain. I had the car all pretty with kleenex flowers and all and I soooooooo wanted to throw my garter and bouquet outdoors. And all the china! They were hand-picked with the outdoors in mind! But I mustn't dwell on things I cannot control. How could I be happily married if I fuss and fret? I must practise being led by a MAN. For I am about to become a WIFE. I'm sure its going to be JUST like all the storybooks. I just can't wait!

Oh, I feel like I could just burst into tears, I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooo HAPPY!

You'll always be my bestest friend forever, dear diary. I'll tell you all about it but I've got some carnations to go arrange. And I want to steam every ruffle on that dashing baby blue tuxedo so that it'll be perfect. Just perfect. The day of my dreams. My special day. Yup, I'm really, really happy. Really. Really I am. I never really wanted to go to college anyway. I feel really good about living in my darling's parents grainery. And the baby? Well, who wouldn't want a soft cuddly baby to hold while my man is out training the rotweiler pups?

Happy. very, very happy.

Wedding Plans

I had the place all decorated, right down to the white chairs and centrepieces. I was hoping to use the rest of the week to work on the cake and some last minute details.

How was I to know that the giant party tent wasn't waterproof?!

The rare Italian lace? Ruined. The punch? Full of tree floaties and earth worms. The giant canopy? Reduced to compost. And we shan't speak of the feather pen!

Does anyone have a tent?

Actually, maybe something a touch larger would be better.



Mean, selfish, vindictive Sylvia K.. Doesn't she know that all she had to do to be invited was to simply read about the party on the blog?



But Nooooooooooooooooooooo. She had to go and order rain.
Hmmmmmmph.

*its time to start posting details on a daily basis, just to be sure that I haven't left out vital information about the special celebration on May 26. Come around 7:00 pm, although before that or after that is fine too. Come in character. Remember that this is not one of those sentimental reminicient events where you squish into your wedding gown and talk about how if you had it to do again, you'd choose the same prince because you're happier than in your wildest dreams. Some of you have already taken razors to your first wedding gown. You can come in that, if you so choose. But, feel free to improvise. The local thrift shop has some lovely overpriced mother of the bride outfits, as well as wedding gowns for a mere $35.00. Don't let me get started!! We all know that there are many lesser thought of roles in a wedding. There is the wedding planner, the flowergirl, the weeping auntie.... Well, you get the shtick.

And don't forget to BYOP. That's bring your own party. A chair might be wise. Something consumable in liquid and solid form will make things feel more festive. Bring a friend if you like, as long as she's female.

presentation preferred..... JUST KIDDING!

Today, I Marry My Best Friend...... NOT!

Ladies, it is time to shake the dust off your pink pumps, don your sexiest Wedding attire, and engage in some good old-fashioned pageantry. Enough with hiding under bulky sweaters, shivering and cowering from winter's cruel assaults. It is time to kick off its entanglements and be freed from the inherent itch of cabled polyester and wool. Yes, the prickliness of a mightier force is upon us: the frill of tuxedo. The strain of the bustier. The constriction of paisley printed panty hose in mid-July.....

The time has come to indulge yourself in any conceivable, perceivable wedding oppurtunity. Always wanted to be the flowergirl? I CHOOSE YOU! Always the bridesmaid, never the bride? PLEASE BE MINE FOREVER! Been the bride once too often? BABY, LIGHT MY CANDLES!

And now, before my readers from afar tuck their ruffles into their panties and run crying to the choir loft, don't you fret, beloved ones. May I present the oppurtunity for a virtual wedding party? ME has graciously offered to be our photographer. I fully expect that all of you will submit photos of your chosen identities as well. There may be a corsage in it for you. Or perhaps some old fruitcake wrapped in aluminum foil and a paper doily, then tied with curly string.

Here are the rules:

there are no rules! Oh, except... be at my house on May 26. Bring something consumable. Come in character. Bring an escort.... HAH! Well, you can if you want to. (she just better be of the female persuasion....)
I want to see some new faces. I want new memories. I want new traditions.
And I want to see some BAD-ASS outfits.

Bitte, RSVP. (or not, and surprise me)