This is an area that I want to explore and hopefully find resolution in. Its one thing to "live my life out loud", be honest about where I struggle, and honest about what I learn. There always seems to come a point though, where I just shut the whole thing down and believe that I've set myself up to fall and I'm just not willing to do that.
I think two culprits are fear and pride.
If we think little of ourselves and the potential we have to impact our world, and wonder that God will be with us through such a bold venture, we shrink back and take the safer route. To a fairly large extent, I think I've taken the safer road. Its safer, simpler to go back to shitting on myself than to stick my neck out and risk people misunderstanding my intent, or conversely, expecting too much out of me. Even as I write that down, I see the irony. People do misunderstand. And that's not my burden. My purpose in life is not to defend myself. Consistently defensive behavior in people always makes me think: "He doth protest too much"; What is it that he/she feels needs to remain hidden away from others?
Back to me, fear, and pride. Pride isn't necessarily a person puffed up with the pleasure of being himself. Pride can also be found in the act of keeping oneself small. You don't have to look far to find people who are very proud of their humility. They don't wear trendy clothes and they are right proud of their schleppy choices. They live in modest bungalows and don't associate with those "gated community types". They serve in at least two capacities at their local church, because simply loving their neighbor wouldn't count as a good service, nobody would notice, and their neighbor never mows his yard on time and his dog shits on their lawn.
Fear is a slippery one. If you keep yourself small, you always make room for people to build you up, which makes them feel useful and adequate. What if you didn't need to take so much any more? Would you intimidate your friends? Offend them? Would you run out of friends? Would they whisper about you, how special you think you are, how badly you are about to fall?
One of the humblest people I've had the pleasure of knowing is also very powerful. But he knows where his strength comes from. He doesn't depend on his amassed knowledge, although it is consistently drawn on. He has a deep love for God, and a daily dependence on that relationship. He is buried neck deep in human misery nearly every day, but he has fantastic joy and peace and is not overwhelmed.
I'd like to get me somma dat.