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Friday, March 02, 2007

Simple Living

The mania of our current society has created renewed desire for the less complicated times of the past. There are many publications out there for you to access that secret information on simplifying your life. But if you want to listen to them, you'll have to get up from your warm computer chair right now, transfer your sorry self out to a cold vehicle, then drive to Chapters where you'll be tempted to spend your hard-earned money on a latte while you're perusing the aisles. While you are there, you'll likely run into that old boyfriend from high school who always makes you feel nervous and stupid. You'll probably see a lot of books and magazines on self-improvement that make you feel really lousey about your current self. You'll notice people who have regularily left their houses since 1981, and notice that maybe that's totally irrelevant because those really wide elastic belts are back in fashion, especially with long, clingy, vertically striped acrylic sweaters. Then you'll kick yourself for having thrown them all out just last week when you went about trying to simplify your life without the guidance of a published author. The affect of these stressors will likely engage the compulsive componant of your mind and you'll soon find yourself in the mall, tossing throw cushions, sweaters, and ottomans into your shopping cart with great abandon whilst casting nervous glances at your watch because you really should get going on that list of stuff that you should have been working since 7:00 am this morning.

So, lets keep it simple, shall we?

Lets get started with the kids bedrooms. Keep them in cribs or toddler beds for as long as possible. They come enveloped in heavy plastic which eliminates the need for absorbant sheets and mattress protectors. If the precious kiddies have little OOpsies in the night, the urine, drool, and vomit will simply roll off the edge and save you a lot of laundry the following morning.

A lot of televisions is worth the initial investment. A minimum of one in the kitchen, bathroom, family room, living room, and all bedrooms is a sensible place to start. It completely eliminates the need for teaching and learning social skills. Since much tv programming now is also educational , it will also help to free up any time that you have been using to instruct your children on life-navigating skills. You will also be able to give away all books, games, messy craft kits, cars with sound effects, tiny lego pieces, and electronic pianos. Hence you have eliminated clutter, and dealt with noise pollution.

When the tv's get a little dull, try the kids on the computer. Google earth is an excellent place to begin. Early on even the smallest of children will learn to spin that virtual globe round and round and round at a dizzying speed. Hence, they've recreated the mania of our actual lives, but without the noise and clutter of hockey lessons and equipment, a large cumbersome piano, and ballet leotards, (we don't want to bother with the inconvenience of body image problems either).

The very, very most critical way to simplify your life is to keep your relationships to a minimum. Banking cards have eliminated the need to engage with tellers, mail keys simplify access to your bills, blogging can substitute for relationships with real people, and the tvs should take care of any marital instability. When you are forced into relationships, keep things as minimalistic as possible. Stick to the safe, simple responses to most questions, and smile pleasantly at most times. "I'm fine", and "No problem" are excellent choices for most concerned inquisitions.

If you have problems implementing any of these concepts, please don't come crying to me.
I'm trying to simplify over here.


Judy said...

Truly. Every time I try to simplify someone does something complicated, and then where are my crutches?! I've simply thrown them all out.

Which requires me to turn to food. So, this week I've returned to my "More with Less" cookbook. Can't believe how many times I have said "GROSS!" right out loud.

I think I just might be too 'simple' to simplify.

I live to complicate. And I am GOOD at it!

it's a gong show... said...

Oh Joyce, once again you've nailed it on the head! I'm with Judy, I think I'm too simple to simplify. Seems like a lot of work.


Me said...

I 'um linked to you...cause I like your ideas about simplifying....

lettuce said...

And a bit scarey!

Homo Escapeons said...

In the near future human beings will be warehoused (ala the Matrix)and we'll all be immersed in a tub of warm, peach jello and attached to the 'outside' world by electrodes and cables.

Somebody figured out that the actual value of the human body (when melted down for base elements) is only worth about $1.67.

So eat more Tuna and hopefully the lead and mercury levels will increase the value of your body!