Tuesday, April 27, 2010

She Is Forced To Examine The Possibility That She Is Completely Daft

I have very fibrous breasts. Just ask any mammographer near you.

Years ago, my Doctor referred me to a gynecologist so that I could talk to her about my lumps. And my psychotic reactions to birth control. (She wrapped that one up right quick.
"How many chillren You have?
Tube tie.
How many you wann?
You tie tubes.")
(I may be paraphrasing ever so slightly)
I think I replied that if I wanted to have thirteen children and raise them naked in my garden, then that would be my choice and not hers, thankyouverymuch.
She also aggressively felt up my lumps.
And announced that caffeine was a contributing culprit.
I couldn't very well get snippy about that. My babies had been raised on cappuccino-a-la-breast milk. Coffee was my best friend, my confidant, my lover. My calorie free, guilt free, rich and ever ready comfort.
But the crazy, scarey Doc had a point.
Guess what?
I haven't changed.
Oh, I try.
This morning, I've sipped delicately on steaming mugs of green tea. Whose stupid idea was that stuff anyway? Camel piss. With honey. hmmmph.
I can't wait til the daughter wakes up and insists on coffee.
Then I can blame my mountainous masses on her.
Speaking of lumps and masses.
I have a very dysfunctional relationship with my body, although this is no shocking revelation. I don't want to be this way, make no mistake about it. I get all creepy and crawly when women go on and on and on about this wee imperfection, and that little crumpet they shouldn't have eaten, and blahdy blah, blah. But that's because I'm a hypocrite and I spent waaaaay to many years of my life worrying about little else. And I don't want to get sucked down into that miry pit ever again.
At times when the serotonin dips, and the uterus sloughs, my mind begins to circle. Closing in for the killing thoughts. About lumps and bumps and flacid limbs.
And I've seen enough pop-ups and books and videos and magazines and charasmatic speakers to know that one has to work aggressively to develop something akin to muscle mass.
But I'm daft that way.
And I don't really do it.
I just sit on my fadass and sip a great big mug of coffee.
And worry.


Judy said...

And I lift my cup to you!

(that is.., my COFFEE cup.)

Chelsea said...

Ahahaha I will never look at Green Tea the same way...
For your reading pleasure:

janice said...

You just sit there on your beautifully functional gluteus maximus and thank the coffee plant, thank your lovely muscles for allowing you to play with your kids IE exercise, and thank your lumpy breasts for nourishing them.

Your mind is more powerful than caffeine. While you are enjoying coffee, chocolate, sitting, playing. . . banish the worry and embrace the enjoying, and it will be good for you.

The gospel according to Moi.

I also raise my coffee cup to you.

joyce said...

The New Truth, thanks to Chelsea to whom I am forever indebted.

"The bottom line: "People who already drink a lot of coffee don't have to feel 'guilty' as long as coffee does not affect their daily life," says Hu. "They may actually benefit from coffee habits in the long run."

Coffee affects my daily life big time! In overwhelmingly positive ways! It makes me feel "AHHHHHHHhhhh" at 5:45 am.
Then when my coffee friend comes at 9:00, it stimulates many a deep, or funny, or enlightening conversation.

Sometimes at 3:00 when I'm nodding off in the sun on my deck, I'll bob my head into more of that steamy goodness. FOR THE SAFETY OF THE CHILDREN!

And its all good. Now I know because the doctor and chelsea said so. And all that awesome stuff that Janice said. its all so true, so basic, so what I really think that it's ridiculous to think how snivelly I can get. Honestly. I've got to move onto other stuff to obsess about.

And I'll be raising my mugs and jugs to you all.

Karla said...


Anonymous said...

Hehe. This post was perfect...I just had a smoothie for breakfast and was being all 'healthy' and kept telling myself to avoid that pesky cup of coffee. You've snapped some sense into me. I see the light yet again.

Camel piss indeed.

joyce said...

oh man. Am I ever enjoying my java now.

Anonymous said...

AND ... you're funny as well! Hats off to fibrous breasts -- from one who is there. Schwester

it's a gong show... said...

i LOVE coffee :)

christine said...

i too like the camel piss comparison.
only strong women drink coffee- my mother gave it to me in a bottle.

Linda Roy said...

Oh girl...you make me laugh...L-lew

Anonymous said...

Oh, how well you express it ...

"At times when the serotonin dips, and the uterus sloughs, my mind begins to circle. Closing in for the killing thoughts."

Utterly (udderly?) brilliant.