Thursday, December 21, 2006

I'd like to Apologize

It is fun to pretend to be "side show Joycie", always full of humour, energy, grace, and easy to get along with. And I believe all those things about myself. But I feel like apologizing, or knifing myself, when less "show case-y" aspects of real life become apparent and demand to be dealt with.

I considered doing what a lot of other people do. Lay low, write nothing, then bounce back when all of my proverbial ducks realign themselves. Then yesterday I wandered over to
spin me I pulsate, and later at night, I had the most vivid and horrifying dream. All that to say that I will not shroud myself and then emerge victorious at some later date. I will not align myself with all the bullshit messages, all the trite and formulaic answers we are subjected to in the media, and sometimes in well-meaning spiritual settings. The truth is, life is messy. It's not easily answered. Its not easily categorized. And so, I will lay myself down, right here, and simply be honest.

That's what I love about spin me I pulsate. No teary, embarrassed confessions about life lived with mental illness, but a refreshingly ordinary day to day delivery of the facts. No simple answers. And as much as I admire her courage for being so honest, I have to ask myself: why should it take courage to speak out about topics such as these? Is it scarey not to have simple answers? Do people think these are like viral infections, and are afraid of contracting them? And what am I afraid to "say out loud"?

The truth is, I've been having a lousey time.

And as many times as I write and rewrite this post, I continue to delete what I've written because I'm really not willing yet, to be completely buck-naked honest about whats going on. I don't want to admit it, but I am afraid of what people would think. I am afraid that they would use my weaknesses and ugliness against me. I feel raw and vulnerable that I have no answers. I'd be more comfortable with the thought of you clicking away to the next blog, and taking with you some solice in the idea that I appear to know what I'm doing, and that I know how to get the universe to spin on its axis again.

So, although I can't leave you with anything simple and cozy feeling, I'll leave you with this. It's just the truth.

I am in the midst of dealing with loss. Some of them are current. Some of them stem back
20-some years. Some are actual physical deaths, some are symbolic deaths.

I feel physically and psychologically ill. Sometimes I feel so nauseous, I throw up. At times, I feel wonderful and think that I've imagined the magnitude of these losses, and the affect they have had on my life. Then something, or someone, or a dream will make me remember again and the nausea returns.

And sometimes that feeling is the only hint I have that the earth is still spinning.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for being real. I like real people.
We can all see ourselves in your thoughts, in large or small ways. Keep it coming, we're here.

Anonymous said...

I'm blaming all my troubles on taking B-complex. I'm complex enough without it, thank you very much.

Just be yourself.

I love you, Joyce! Stay real.

Judy - Anybody Home

andrea said...

You always sound real to me, Joyce -- in every way -- so don't fret. We know you're the best kind of person: warts and all.

This post hits very close to home for me because I've been going through a shitty-crappy-fucked-up time right now myself (not to put too fine a point on it :) and I'm desperate to pour it all out on my blog because I know the therapeutic value of articulating, packaging and presenting these things -- it helps make sense of the chaos -- but because of the nature of my blog (it's tied intimately to my work) I simply can't. I often think about starting an anonymous blog just so I can avoid ever having to shell out money I don't have for a therapist. :)

Consider us your sounding board/wailing wall!

Anonymous said...

i've been thinking about you joyce.

i don't know exactly what you're going through but i do know about crappy stuff from the past that keeps popping its head in my door. that's hard. and icky.

i love you friend. and i am praying for you.

it's a gong show... said...

I read spin me i pulsate yesterday too and found myself in deep thought about it...I am the queen of ghost from the past and relate to your post today...your openess and honesty always inspire me...shitty times are shitty, there is no doubt about that...just keep walking the path Joyce...there is a light at the end of the tunnel...or is it a leprechaun at the end of the rainbow..whatever works! LOL


joyce said...

thanks for a new reason to cry, guys. Heather, esp knowing that your life is not simple either, its been MUCH on my mind.
Judy- you always make me laugh! and remind me that I am supposed to take b-complex but my complex up fuxed brain keeps forgetting. What can I blame that on? I so appreciate you saying "I love you". Its funny how it feels like we know each other, and one day I will SO sit in your collection filled home and just gape and drool.

Andrea- I would like the oppurtunity to read that annonymous blog. Its not fair that we get to see all the pretty stuff, and feel like we know you, (you just feel like family to us) but just go on living our self-centred lives, never knowing how we could be caring for you in your own, very real, and I'm sure, complex life. Thank you for your words.

Ruth- ok, so you were the one that made me cry.
I'm ashamed to admit, that I was afraid of some form of condemnation from beautiful people like you, who never seem to question the goodness and faithfulness of God. Your gracious and loving comment made me cry, and believe that God is caring more than I could imagine. Thank you would be a trite thing to say.

B- you too- you are local, and only know me through this venue which is ironic because it is so completely personal. Bleeding from the inside, right out into cyberspace. your grace and encouragement is not something I take lightly.
What a gift, to have such support and such a lack of wordy bullshit from all of you.

(choose an identity. If only it were so easy...)

lettuce said...

Bless you Joyce, I wish I could give you a hug and cry with you in the "real" world, not only in cyberspace. Sometimes its beyond words.

And I DO wish you God-speed - but also God-lack of speed (God-rest maybe?) for the laying down times.

lettuce said...

oh and btw, what I meant to say - aren't you Canadian? don't you have ice skates in any/every colour you want???

Anonymous said...

Being honest isn't something I've come by easily. And I'm still not completely honest-there are some things close to my heart I cannot free, not yet.

but dealing with my issues has been made infinitely easier by finding others who have been there, and are there. We are never alone.

I am always there to offer an ear, because I have felt so lost and alone. And it does get better.

Anonymous said...


i have sat with this post a few times and not commented. i wish there was a way to say i'm listening without writing words. i hate words in the midst of struggle. i prefer listening.

Anonymous said...

i was thinking of you this week, and wondering how things were really going...i know there will be empty seats at your table this Christmas. i wish i would have said something, i'm sorry. know that you are still in my thoughts. i love your honesty. you are an amazing women joyce!!

Anonymous said...

My yuck ended shortly after my youngest was born - Zoloft and the passage of time - helped me immensely - the best thing Zoloft did was rid me of anger...I've had anger since I was young - for no reason at all...which led to many problems for me so that in the bad years I had reasons for being down - self-inflicted but reason enough if you take God out of the equation

and yeah it raises its ugly head sometimes but right now it is quiet and when it is quiet, I happily ignore it...

that said I am slowly posting old stuff here:

its not much all I can offer is an ear

and the promise I will pray

Anonymous said...

Joyce-your posts are funny, creative, serious, sad, and poignant. All of these things make up who you are. I admire your willingness to offer the broken part of you to us, your friends. You have blessed me today with your honesty. God bless you.

LDahl said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
LDahl said...

.....there are many more haunts around with this season than with Halloween. Every year they get added to. It's normal to feel the way you do. Perfectly normal... and there is another bump coming up when all this is over except for the remaining dried needles sticking stubbornly in the baseboards.
Freaking out is all part of the tradition:))) Happiness and joy is the mask we wear. And yes, I'm wanting to delete this and move quietly on....but you know, I'm just going to post this comment... well I did delete it, cause I noticed I spelled a word wrong and the last sentence didn't say what I meant. It sounded all Bah-humbug, and that's not what I feel at all. :)

shelley said...

Im here. Love you friend.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled on this post tonight. I want to say that I admire your willingness to be honest in the midst of the scariness of that. Your honesty may just be the thing that someone else needed to realize that life isn't perfect and that's okay.

From someone who quite brutally and honestly says what I am usually thinking, welcome to the club. You are hugged tightly!

And, the meds I take twice a day help me not take too personally anything that someone might find wrong with what I say.!

God does care, unimaginably and immeasurably and unattainably. Just receive it.