Hmmm... Tryin' To Do The Math...

Could someone please explain to me HOW, if I have this many bags to deliver and send; enough to be a considerable weight in my arms.... How the fabric in my weeney studio just seems to multiply exponentially?

Could it be related to the fact that on the weekends I seem to be compelled to rush out to thrift shops far and wide to recover what lurk there in their depths?

Could it be fueled by a sense of "not enough", or is it more insidious.... like Greed?!
(What if I don't go and someone else gets all the good stuff and they hoard it or don't appreciate it or use it for something ridiculous like *gasp* RAGS??!!)

Ahggg... my heartrate is increasing! Happily, its nearly the weekend, and I can rush out on another rescue mission to insulate my home with poor, neglected, unloved cast-offs. I will love them. I will care for them. I will go out and I will purchase them!

Oh! What a happy family we will be...

Drawing a Line in the (Snow)

I'm sort of looking around for inspiration. Well, at a more base level, I'm looking for some way live on through months more of winter with itchy skin, pale lips, static hair, and the threat of melancholy meltdown.

Heather's posts have been great lately. Smart, gutsy, brave, proactive. Her theme for 2008 is Fearless. That's pretty big. Just thinking about it sort of freaks me out, actually. I envy that, and I love it, but I'm afraid.

A few weeks ago, Brian and i joined some friends in watching "The Mysterious Case of Benjamin Buttons". There was a line in it that went something along these lines: "Sometimes in life you are going along and you find yourself where you really didn't want to be at all. You veered off somewhere, and you see it now. Sometimes life is having the courage to start all over again".

That's what I want.

I want to start from right now. Not from what when wrong back there when... but from right now. I remember when I went through a particularly difficult period in my life, and I chose one single behavior to work on. To work on not engaging in it any more. I used a smiley face on my calendar for all the "good days". But there were times when I had to go with a minute by minute smiley face, because twenty-four hours was just way too long and with one or two or ten screw-ups, I would have to forfeit that smiley face reward. So, I'd start all over again with a new minute.

I think I can do that.
I don't even want to talk about re-learning anymore, because it's so discouraging to look back, and to see an apparent backward slide.
It is what it is, and time will just keep on passing. I think I can start again with small commitments to "do the right thing". Things that won't make me crazier, but promote being well.

Yup. That's it, Heather. Not exactly fearless, but something like telling the fear that its not going to win.

The Elephant In My Head

(no holds barred. Totally making myself vulnerable here. If you are of the harsh and judgemental variety, please click away now.
Now.
Thank you.)

I woke myself up at about four oclock this morning because I was kneading my stomach in my sleep. Taking fistfuls of fat and loose skin and pulling at it. As if to remind myself in my sleep that I ought not to accept this, no matter what my logical mind, my sensibilities, my feminist lionness, my strong and happily aging self keeps gently and compassionately hammering at me during my conscious hours. The Fat Grabber seemed to be saying; "You're not to be okay with this. I'm going to sit here in your head and remind you that this is totally unacceptable. If I could, I would have pinchers grabbing at your thighs as well, because your stomach is one thing.... But those thighs...."

I woke up thinking about my weight. Truth be told; there are precious few mornings that I do not wake up thinking about my weight and listening to that irritating Fat Grabber lecture me on the importance of exercise, the wisdom of eating until you are satisfied and not past; the ridiculousness of feeling so disgusted about one's body and yet being unwilling to commit to an exercise regime. Fool. The Fat Grabber always says. Weak, foolish, sucky-pants. Get over yourself. And oh... How badly, deeply, completely I do want to get over myself. Yet, I'm utterly convinced that shame will not propell me there. Only compassion, patience, and yes... some technique. Technique that I've been fully aware of for this entire ten year relapse. I'd had five good years before that. Five years of pretty clear thinking. Very low levels of struggle. Very, very low. But I digress. Wistfully digress.

Most mornings I wake up with that elephant on my shoulder. Most mornings, by the time I am dressed and reaching for my glasses and book of the week, the elephant has been re-caged and doesn't torment me the way she did in the full-blown, really bad, lowsey, no good, fully disordered years. She doesn't torment me in the kitchen, where I prepare and eat food that I love and am able to painlessly enjoy for the gift that it is. She doesn't usually torment me as I move about my business of working, playing, loving, dreaming. She doesn't preoccupy me in social settings so that I feel such intense shame that I believe that everyone is looking at me with disgust and disappointment. She doesn't even stare back at me from the mirror every time I look into it to check for stray hairs, butt crack problems, or whether a little lipstick would hlep instill some confidence in parents who leave their children in my care. (nothing like leaving your cherub with someone who looks like the colour of death....)

But she's always around, waiting to seize me when my defenses are down. Like a virus attacking a compromised elderly man and knocking him dead with the simple flu. Like a whisper that's ever present, but becoming an undeniable, uncontrollable roar that frightens and frustrates me to no end.

Knowing all the facts helps most of the time. But the crazy, senseless preoccupation hangs over me, no matter what. I fantacize about being a different size. It thrills and frightens me. I tell myself not to play with fire. That I'm forty-one, in the healthy range for body weight, with a healthy love for divine food. And crunchy food. And chewy food. And black licorice. I have no shame for these loves, and wish them upon everybody.

But I envy myself the years when the struggle had abated. When I ate out of physical hunger only. When my body held nothing for Fat Grabber to clutch at. When my mental reserves were such that life could throw me a curveball without me being reduced to thinking about numbers on the scale; plans for running, running, running, never eating sugar again; engaging in any number of schemes and rules and plans to manipulate the size of my body.

I miss those days when I was more well than I am now. I think about them often and try to solve the problem of how to get back there. I tell myself that no one can go back; that that was then and this is now. That I should revisit all the guidelines that helped me get well in the first place and achieve again that era of relative peace.

But something stops me. Something powerful and scarey.
And I wake up with the Elephant once again.

**
I posted recently about the increase in my self editing. I meant everything I said. Now that I know how some people misunderstand my words and thoughts, I will not stop telling my story. I understand that it may not be your story, and you may not be able to identify one little bit. But I also recognize that considering the statistics of women dissatisfied with their bodies, there will also be a number of women who can identify. I write to them.
I don't imagine that anyone can "save me". I try not to worry about those who might feel sorry for me. We all have our shit, and this happens to be mine. I've carved out a pretty darned fantastic life regardless, and I strive constantly for more healing in this regard. Writing helps me to process, and I know that it is comforting to read about someone else's struggle when you find yourself with the same annoying animal sitting in your head.
I am not a head case. I have come a very, very long way. I just know that there is more resolution to be had with this curse. I urge mothers to hope for more for their own daughters. I urge you to find other things to talk about than your bodies, other people's bodies, beauty, or lack thereof. I encourage you to avoid fashion magazines at all cost. Don't buy into diet ideas. Any of them. Learn your body's own wisdom- it saved me. If you need some good books on the subject, check out Geneen Roth's work. Food is one of God's great gifts, and we should not associate food with shame and weakness. It's too precious and wonderful to be reduced to a power struggle and exercise in deprivation.
My desire is to be a voice of a different sort. Not reinforcing the diet and beauty industry's messages of inadequacy, but providing a different voice that acknowledges the damage done to me, while desiring to promote a different sort of message. It's a painful place to be, and maybe refusing to be silent will have some redemption somewhere down the line.

So Not For The Librarian type

I really like my job. I like it when these little people come to my house and learn to turn funny little munchkin sounds into words and sentences. I like seeing their little personalities take shape- tender, hard-nosed, goofy, compassionate- whatever.

But some days are just designed to test my ability to simply hack the volume. Some days the kids come in happy and just plain loud. No amount of discussions about indoor voices and outdoor voices cause any sort of lasting change. They are just set at full volume, and their little dials are stuck.

Today is such a day; but at least when I look into their loud little faces, what I see is wild amounts of happiness and abandonment to their play. Which really beats the ever livin' heck out of whining and fighting.

In any case, its nearly 3:00 and soon I can stuff their little noise makers full of oatmeal cookies to dampen the crescendo somewhat.

Thanks, I feel better now. Maybe I'll go shove some chocolate chips into my ear canals, lodge a couple of kids into the snow bank, hang the above sign on my door and lose myself in my book for a while.
There's no law against that, is there?

Not So Dirty Little Secrets

.... How Sam and I waste invest our time when everyone else is off doing more noble things like swimming lessons and basketball games...

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........................

Perspective

A particular evaluation of a situation or facts, especially from one person's point of view.

A lot of the time, that's what it all comes down to- the way that we see it. The wounds and messages that life has pounded into us shape and flavour the interpretation of every word spoken, every action carried out.

When I notice my thoughts spewing out a seemingly endless series of insults and statements about my inadequacies and failures and flaws; I call it "Being reduced to the lowest common denominator". It often feels like being reduced to a three or four year old self, minus the "cute" factor- just shy of retreating to a corner, peeing myself, and rocking back and forth as I suckle my thumb and twirl my hair.

Conversely, when I recognize all the advantages in this life; all the possibility that can be birthed; how fear and laziness can cause a person to spend their entire life quiet, unobtrusive, bored and ineffective....
Then I think that its ridiculous to let fear rob you of your life. How things need to be evaluated and filed- the negative experiences of life learnt from but not the "boss" of the rest of your life. I think about how important it is to take responsibility for your own messes, and clean up after yourself as best as you know how. Victem mentality is not something that I seeing working really well for anyone. Or blame shifting. God knows no one likes to be corrected, and few of us like to be wrong. Still, once the sting has worn off somewhat, there is true merit in evaluating it all from a fresh perspective. Learning where you could tweak your own perspective (your lowest common denominator perspective). These things don't have to remain static or become cemented in place. Our perspective should be more of a fluid variety; willing to shift and change with the inclusion of new information and personal growth.

I had a chance to get over to Heather's blog today. Its infrequent now that I get through my list of blogs because my spare minutes get taken up with the sewing machine or the urgency of daily living. But today I managed to watch her video clip while me and the kids were eating hamburger soup for lunch. (not kumst borscht. Nope. Not today) Here is a woman who seems to constantly redefine her perspectives, and press on to extend her territory. I love the still way she determines courage, meaning, and risk-taking.

What about us? Can we challenge ourselves in reasonable but courageous ways this new year? Can we absorb new information into the way we perceive and interpret our realities? Can we be patient with others as they react out of their own wounds without having to defend our own?

When you read stories or watch movies about people who change history in big and small ways, they are people who resolutely believe things empowering and positive things about themselves and their place in this world. They are not people who are looking around for permission to live their lives. (I'm partway into such a book right now- "Tears In The Desert". I expect it will be heart-breaking and inspirational)

Courage for you probably looks different than courage looks to me. Which brings us back to perspective. We're not meant to be all the same, but we are meant to fully be our own particular instrument in this orchestra called life.

I Considered Myself Tagged

I haven't played tag on the blog for a really long time. I've been reading Ordinary Courage lately, and feel inspired and excited about what Brene has learned about shame and its impact our personal lives. So, when I read her post this morning, I decided to be tagged with the "16 things about me" meme. If you don't care, then don't consider yourself tagged.

1. I hate getting wet. I have to talk myself into showering, and although I love the beach and going to the lake, it has to be at least 36 degrees before I will relent and get into the water.
2. I enjoy housework. I know. Am I allowed to feel that way? I don't mean that I love constantly cleaning up after everyone, and just live to vacuum, but I do get a deep sense of satisfaction to restoring a room to an orderly manner. I like organizing stuff. I like getting rid of stuff. I love the way the floor looks after I vacuum it.
3. My hair barely grows. I shaved my head three years ago when we got lice, and with only minimal trims, it now barely grazes my shoulder. People don't believe me, but I'm now putting it into print. Which makes it true.
4. I don't like making up crafts for kids to do. I feel ashamed of myself but it is just true. I love having kids in my house, and I'd happily give them paper, even paint, play dough, or whatever. Just don't ask me.... "Can we do a craft?" It makes me feel inadequate. I know that its all wrong because of the Darfur project and all, you'd think I lived for crafts, but I just don't. Maybe I'm selfish.
5. I have always been a bit unbalanced when it comes to cats. When I was little, I pretty much lived in the barn all summer, either at my best friend Elaine's dairy, or at my own farm. I found all the kittens in the spring, and then played with them all summer as they grew up. I felt like a traitor every winter when the brutal temperatures would kill about 75% of them.... Now I have two housecats and one dog. And I love them to pieces.
6. I rebel in the strangest ways. Keep in mind that I am 41 and long gone from my mother's house, but still I find myself rebelling. I wear white socks outside into the grass and always think about how appalled my mother would be. I sometimes throw out ziploc bags, even when I haven't reused them 28 times. My mother never even bought ziplocs. She washed the plastic wrap from store meat and reused that. And I buy things that are unnecessary to my survival. That's like a huge sin, where I come from.
7. I love cutting the grass. I love the smell, and the feeling of accomplishment that it brings.
8. I've never bought furniture from a real store. Unless you count the mattresses, which I suppose came from a real warehouse.
9. I've never chosen my own kitchen appliances. Just used whatever the house came with, which has happened numerous times. And I don't really care. The only thing I don't love is black appliances, which is what this house happened to come with. Oh, well.
10. I never got my period until grade ten. I thought I would die from humiliation because I was so ancient.
11. One of my deepest fears is that I am stupid. There is some part of me that is afraid of this getting exposed to everyone who matters to me, and even those who don't.
12. I once voluteered for Mennonite Disaster Service. If there is one thing in life that I regret, it is that experience.
13. I love old cannisters.
14. I was born the last of eight children. My parents were in their 40's and my elder brothers and sisters were most displeased when another baby came home. I grew up worrying that my parents would not live long enough to meet my children. Now I think about how young 40 is. I feel like I could easily have a baby now.
15. I love storage containers.
16. When all the kids are big, I want to drive a small car, like a chevette or a honda civic. I used to drive a crummy little chevette in my 20's. The stick shift broke off, so I just put the knob onto the stub (those sound sort of sexual, but don't be perverse and read into that) and just kept roaring around in that chevette. It was a wonderful, reliable little car. Mini vans are just a necessary evil of birthing four children.

Wanna play? Then tell me in the comments so that I can hear 16 things about you!

All Roads Don't Actually Lead to Rome

Now, I have a great deal of admiration and respect for my brother.
But he lives in Rome.
And I live in, well, practically Winnipeg. Winterpeg. brrrrrrrrrterpeg.

Do they know that its minus thirty-five degrees here?! MINUS THIRTY-FIVE?!!
And do they know what they are missing? I wish them well, but seriously.

I'm sure living in Rome can't mean health and happiness forevermore. I mean, when they get ready to leave for the office in the morning, they never have the privelege of watching their breath freeze in mid air when they go out into the dark to start their car. How can they possibly expect to develop any character? They never have the snowglobe-wonder experience of scraping the frost off the windshield. They never know the joy of one's shoulders aching from all the tension that the shivering, shuddering cold causes to the entire muscular system of the human body.

And that's just the human body.
Do they know what the kids found at school the other morning? A cat, scrunched up on a branch of the tree in front of the school building, frozen solid. Poor dang thing. Climbed up there trying to get some shelter from this relentless freezer and froze his ass off. I don't know who to feel worse for- that unloved cat, or all the kids who saw that ghastly scene. I can't help imagine that some of them reexamined their commitment to wearing short jackets, no hats, and zero mittens.

Then again, probably not.
Besides, we have a superintendent who looks outside his window every morning to see that its perfectly safe to walk to school in these temperatures. I bet people in Rome don't have that either.

They do have cats though. And I know that because my brother told me that the sound of a cat meowing woke him up one night.

Which made me think that maybe his window was open. Poor man.
I guess in Rome they have to sleep with their windows open. They don't have it good like us. Our windows have so much frost on them; we just scrape them every Friday and whip up mean lime margueritas. I bet they don't do that in Rome.

They have to do without frozen cat AND lime margueritas.
I should be spending a lot more time sympathizing with my poor brother. Like... What do they do on weekends?! Here, we've got it so good. There is a community ice rink right behind our house that we can look at outside our window every Saturday and Sunday. It's too cold to skate, but we sure can look at that ice rink. And breath some air! The same air that the furnace has faithfully cycled and recycled hour after hour since we shut the back door in August of '08.

And what could they possibly look at?! I hear that most of the buildings over there are pretty much condemned, so there's probably not that many places to go to.....

hmmmm... I used to admire my brother, but the more I think about it, the more I just pretty much feel sorry for him. Maybe I'll start sewing mukluks to raise money to bring them back here for the winter next year.

I mean, a man can only take so much time in Rome.

They Said So

A few provocative quotes to flesh out the prior post:

If one has not given everything, one has given nothing. -Georges Guynemer

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.- Oscar Wilde

It usually takes a long time to find a shorter way.- Anonymous

Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure.- William Saroyan

Nothing endures but change.- Heraclitus

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.- Chinese proverb


And then there were these......

It's better to be quotable than to be honest.- Tom Stoppard

'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open one's mouth and remove all doubt.- Samuel Johnson

And now for a few words from your sponsor....
Risk. Can make your neck hurt when you stick it out. Hopefully I've learned to be reasonably sensitive to other people as I explore my own dark corners. Hopefully I can identify boundries between what are truly my issues, and what I have to firmly park in someone else's back yard.

The point is to explore things through words and mind pictures. The point is never to poke at other people's pain, or to assign blame. The hope is that through honest evaluation, other people could possibly identify with a topic and find comradarie here. The hope is that new directions can be found through laughter and tears.

The wish is for some of these annoying blocks to get a little softer, or maybe just go away.
Those blocks make me feel small, afraid, inadequate, inferior, guilty, stupid, and voiceless.

That doesn't sound like a direction I want to continue in.

Hard, Lumpy, Painful Bits

Recently I had a brief conversation with a friend about the nature of this blog. About how much editing I find myself doing now. How thoughts will come to me... and then how I imagine so-and-so reading them and misunderstanding them, and how the very thought of that nearly drives me to drink. (before Fridays...) How I miss the (perceived) freedom of the early days when I would run to the computer for solace- for a quiet place to examine the confusing, the sad, and the unexplained.

I've made myself pretty vulnerable here at times. I've been honest about the history of eating disorders, the less than picturesque relationship that I had with my now deceased brother, the sadness of loss, the death of ideals. I've been forthright about my stubborn, but not dogmatic faith. I've shown you my clutter, my treasures, my victories, my dark sides.

I've made some new friends. Learned to trust people in more authentic ways. Felt good about "putting some stuff out there"; and having found it well received. (except when it wasn't....)

Today I feel like pushing myself back there. To see if it will be helpful because I'm scaring myself a little lately with the dark corners that my brain finds itself retreating to. Today I feel like talking a little bit about sadness.

I've been fortunate in this life so far to have come through relatively untouched by the robbery of death. Sure, I've been to my share of funerals, but no one could ever write much of a tragedy about my life thus far. I expect to have a lot more funeral events if I keep living for the next forty years or so. And so, I think I've got some stuff to figure out in the meanwhile if I don't want to continue to shut down corners of myself in order to cope.

The first blow that death dealt me was when I was in grade 12, I think.
Her name was Faye, and she lived just past her fourth birthday. I was her baby-sitter. Poor little girl was much too young to have any clue what was happening to her- cancerous tumour at the age of three. Now that I've had my own kids, I can't believe what it must have been like for her parents. For her.

But when I look back on what it was like for me, I remember that rock hard wall in my chest. That weird sense of anger when my mother would ask about her. My feeling that it was none of her business and that she was being curious and nosey. I remember my guilt that Faye had annoyed me. I remember mostly that block in my throat and chest and stomach and brain. Those blocks come right back, even fifteen years later, sitting at my computer and trying to write about it.

The thing that I'm tuning into more and more is that I have all these blocks. So, what happens when more loss comes along? When I make myself remember the losses that followed that first big one, I feel them in all the same places, and have the same basic, crazy emotions. Guilt. Inadequacy. Anxiety. And chunks of hard yuck in my throat. Chest. Stomach.

I've had a few losses in the last fifteen years. I'm thinking that each loss makes another piece of hard yuck inside of me? It's kind of like with every really hard loss that I don't know how to reconcile inside my brain, I have more and more hard bits to navigate around and try to avoid because I don't know how to make it go away, or how to normalize it, or WHAT.

And that's all. That's all I can write on the topic because its as far as I can go. There are no conclusions, no wrap-ups, no nothing. Just hard bits. Unfortunately, these hard bits usually exacerbate some of my more diagnosable problems. And that gets pretty tiresome.

So, maybe this year I'll get riskier again with the blog and just try to get intouch with some of these painful parts. I don't know- it might make it worse, and it might not.

I just don't think playing it safe is really the best course of action either. So, I'll just stick my neck out and take some risks again.

ahhhh, Weekend.

The midday feast- remnants from last night's tapas. Brian made the nicest freshest pesto ever- Sun-dried tomatoe, fresh lime, and jalapeno pepper.

What's the reason for this extragavant luncheon? Well, I'm glad you asked.

See this splendid wallet? I paid a big, whopping 25 cents for that piece of leather genius. It has so many fantastic compartments, fully functioning zippers and snaps, and a price to make your eyeballs bleed.

Which relegated this broken down has-been, shattered piece of wallet wanna-be to the trash can with the coffee filters and emptied chip bags.

And is that all, you say? Well, I'm glad you asked. One can't ever have enough chocolate brown bits for the Darfur bag project.... And one can't be too early to begin anticipating next year's ugly sweater extravaganza.

And no, we're not through yet. Nothing like some properly politically incorrect stories to listen to on the newly acquired record player. And that little pink wisp of wonder? its a gift for one of my favourite three year old's in all the world.

Will the wonders never cease? A fabulous sale on jackets, assuming that my boy will continue to divide cells and grow out of the one he currently trudges to school wearing in these sublime minus thirty temperatures.

And that's not mentioning the stack of books and games that Brian bought for his classroom.

Does a Saturday get any sweeter than this? Oh, yes. It does. For this afternoon, we will celebrate Brian's birthday by going to see the movie "The Mysterious Case of Benjamin Buttons", and then round it all out with a magnificent meal at The Ivory.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

From Rob Bell's new book: Jesus Wants to Save Christians

Writer Anne Lamott says that the most powerful sermon in the world is two words: “Me too”.
Me too.
When you’re struggling,
when you are hurting,
wounded, limping, doubting,
questioning, barely hanging on,
moments away from relapse,
and somebody can identify with you –
someone knows the temptations that are at your door,
somebody has felt the pain that you are feeling,
when someone can look in you in the eyes and say,
“Me too,”
and they actually mean it –
it can save you.
When you aren’t judged,
or lectured,
or looked down upon,
but somebody demonstrates that they get it,
that they know what it’s like,
that you aren’t alone,
that’s “me too.”
Paul does not say, “To the strong I become strong.”
He only says, “To the weak I am weak.”
…
The way of Jesus is the path of descent. It’s about our death. It’s our willingness to join the world in its suffering, it’s our participation in the new humanity, it’s our weakness calling out to others in their weakness.

I'm not actually reading Rob Bell's book. (but I think I want to, because "Velvet Elvis" is awesome). But this quote was in my inbox this afternoon. It struck me for several reasons. The first is obvious- it provocative, it resonates, its compassionate.

But for me.... it had personal meaning. It was timely, and it put words to my very own "me too" experience. Just a few days ago, I opened up one of the ooziest, dark and murky interior spaces and invited humans in. And received a resounding "ME TOO!" in reply.

But not in that useless, let's feel sorry for ourselves because nothing is ever going to change and it sucks type of way. More like the.... Ouch. I know. Here's what I can see that would contribute to the current murk of your state. Here's how I know that you are ten minutes away from relapse, and how that doesn't shock me. How it "makes sense" even when it totally doesn't. How much I love you and how the struggle doesn't actually define you.

Me too.

*just a word of caution though. I am not standing behind the idea of people trying to understand, and trying to identify when they simply have not ever been there. The only thing to do in any case is to be honest. If you can't relate to something painful that someone is walking through, there is nothing wrong with saying; "I can't say I've ever experienced that.... but it sounds like it sucks". That will always beat the ever living snot out of the individual who pretends to have gone through everything, and has a depth of understanding and relatability (yeah, I know that's not a word) about every single calamity known to man and womankind. Its just not wise to say "I know what you mean" when you totally don't. And I'm sure that's not what Ann or Rob are suggesting either. Its totally true though, that when you have someone to turn to who has worn out the exact same pair of shoes that you have... it is a sweet drink of cool water to be totally heard. Especially when there is wisdom to be had in the transaction.

'kay. So, yeah. My point being that "me too" had better be sincere, or I'll have to hunt you down and beat you for your insincerity. 'cuz Paul would be all over that. So would Anne. And Rob.

Back To Work: Not a Bad Thing

End of workday conversation:

Boy to his mother: "Hey! You forgot to pick up my bag!"
Joyce to Boy: "Well, what's she-- your maid-servant or something?!"
Boy to all: "No..... Him's my.... Food Lady!"

Happy New Roper

This post is dedicated to domestic CEO's celebrating New Years Eve in the warmth and comfort of their very own toasty warm laundry rooms. Ah, yes. The fully functioning, brand new, Roper brand washing machine; freshly delivered less than twenty-four hours hence; its delivery made all the sweeter with three weeks of anticipation marked by undies and sundries providing wall to wall carpeting while children run wild and uninhibited in their recycled delicates.


Furthermore.... Let it be known that today we found it possible to find two pairs of pants for a mature women at fifteen minutes to closing time, while the staff finds it necessary to remind me every four minutes that the store is closing soon, and that the tills will close promptly at 6:00 pm. Well, okay, not exactly every four minutes. Imagine what can be accomplished in FIVE hours of shopping with my femal offspring?! Well, now that you've asked; I'll tell you.

1. two pairs of pants for yours truly
2. four pairs of pants for a ten year old boy with excessively high standards for comfort and waistband specifics.
3. one pair of boots for a 14 year old diva
4. one pair of red hot converse diva runners. These have beens sought after for some time now; this find is no small patata.
5. bottle of champagne with which to ring in my new roper the new year with my loving family, regardless of the lack of express lanes in the LC and the little issue of everyone in Winnipeg and surrounding areas forgetting once again that new years would fall on exactly the same evening as last year, and that we would all rush out for bubblies on the day of.
6. yoga pants for diva #2.
7. And. Pizza for supper.

You know what else? I'm super warm, and I don't have to stay up late and feel like gravelpiteyeball tomorrow. Because I'm already home and warm and celebratory.

I love my roper New Years Eve.

Christ-de-Brand '08

Jolliest dog in Blunderview, shown here with XL bacon chewing treat.

Kid-friendliest brunch. What'll it be? Fat? or syrup?

First time ever- Sam buys all his own gifts at the school's Secret Santa Shop. Mama gets dangley earrings.

Sweetest vintage tablecloth- donated for the Darfur Project. Used with permission as an actual tablecloth for an indefinite period of time. Goes well with Sweetest Oranges- miniature honey mandarines.

Best way to listen to Christmas oldies- usb turntable from The Source.

Rudest reaction to a gift: me, myself, I.

Zen and the Art of Motercycle Maintenance?! I had to read that many years ago in Intro Psych and I've still got scars....

Sweetest gift ever. Thread, needles, and new shears from my loving man.

And a Starbucks mug that looks like a cozy cableknit sweater. mmmmmmmmmm.

Most Nearly a "Best Buy" reaction to a That's-The-Best-Gift-EVER! goes to Arianna, who got the digital camera of her most REM-ist dreams.

Most creative gift giver. Jane makes femo buttons, a superboy cape for her brother, some wire stars, shape cookies, and some fabulous femo nativity pieces.

Most surprised family members? Meow! Brian, aka, the world's meanest cat hater, buys two kitties some CATMILK?!

Most mesmerized, delerious happy boys?

Wii thinks it be me boys.

A Little Something To Set The Mood...

Oh, my gosh. Thank you, Artist One for the most fabulous link to the ugliest site known to sweaterkind. Check out We Hate Sheep, We Love Holiday Sweaters and design your own ghastly sweater concoction online!! This is by far the best way to waste away your day at the desk, just hours before a Christmas break.

And thank you, holiday sweater attending friend for sending me these fantastic photos. I know for sure that triangles really bring out the robust glow in my cheeks and emphasize the fullness of my arms and chins. Most flattering.

Now, go on and design yourself a festive sweater.

I know what our craft of the day is going to be...... :)

Christmas Family News

Well, its that special, magical time of year once again. So many perspectives to consider when sending out that Happy Holiday Newsletter that everyone awaits with baited breath.
Consider the following possible Hildebrand Christmas Newsletters:

The Victem's Newsletter
Well, I really don't have time to put much effort into a newsletter this year, what with running my daughter to physio and all after her pedestrian accident early in the year. People just don't seem to care where they drive anymore, and they always seem to drive into my daugher. I guess we just have a huge, flashing sign above us that says: CRASH HERE! or something.

The other half of the time I'm shoving pills down my son's throat to treat him for this lovely seizure disorder that the doctors have stuck him with. I guess someone in the family had to get it, and surprise, surprise.... of course it had to be us.

Yeah.
So, I'm really, really tired from all the hard work I have to do, looking after my disabled children and all. The welfare system totally isn't coming through for us either, and we spend all our time standing in line-ups at food kitchens and form-filling-out line-ups, me pushing a wheelchair and a walker for the kids in case they get hit by a car or throw a fit or something on our way to another line that somebody is going to make us go into next.

*sigh* Sure sucks to be us.
Anyway, I'm sure way more bad stuff is going to happen to us this year, so even though I was totally going to send you a Christmas card this year, I just couldn't because I was too busy being targeted and abused by everyone.

Sincerely hoping that you'll feel really, really sorry for us;
The Hindenbergs.

The "Everything Could Not Be More Perfect" Newsletter
Another Fantastic year is nearly behind us! time does fly when one has four children involved in so very, very many extracirricular activities!
Our eldest daughter is just a balm to the eye- she has sprouted to an inpressive five feet, seven inches and is kept busy, busy with basketball and soccer, playing her flute and spending time with her many, many attractive and enviably talented friends.

Not to be outdone; or pegged as a middle child in any way; second born is quite an achiever. Jane has joined the drama team, picked up clarinet in band, played volleyball, basketball, and soccer, taken up voice lessons, and joined youth group. She baby-sits frequently and children follow her through town like the pied piper.

Micah received a glowing report card from his grade five teacher this year. Academics come easy to him, as do manners, ettiquette, big brother relations, and quantum physics.

Our Sammy turned six this year! What a little ray of sunshine he is. Just a little rainbow, that special little man. Sam enjoys swimming, origami, and interpretive dance.

Our family is so healthy, happy and well balanced that we like to play board games six nights a week. Our home is always filled with music. Many neighbourhood children congregate here to soak in the overabundance of love and grace and eat handfuls of homemade popcorn and apple juice that we hand squeeze from our very own orchard in the warm days of autumn.

What a blessing to be us! We all know that you all wish you were more like us, so we have enclosed photos of ourselves engaged in a variety of healthy and enviable activities.

Happy, Happy!!!!!!
The Happybergs.

The Pessimist's Newsletter
Well, I don't know why I bother pounding out these dry, dull meaningless renditions of another useless year. Its unlikely that I'll actually get them to the mail on time anyway.

So, things are pretty bad with the American economy, and its just a matter of time before it'll start affecting our family as well. The kids aren't likely to get much work with baby-sitting or anything, because I'm pretty sure people in this lousey little town just gossip about us anyway, and so they're not likely to call and trust my kids with their babies. May as well just move to the shelter now. Its just a matter of time anyhow. It's not like the kids are going to help us out or anything. Miserable lot.

The house is kind of falling apart, and probably our family is next to go then.

Well, there's other stuff that I could write, but you're probably bored anyway, and stopped paying much attention words and words ago.

May as well just go and eat worms.
Frozen worms. It's so cold here; I don't think spring will ever ever come again.

Reluctantly, and dreading the new year;
the Hellenbergs.

And finally; I'll leave you with some stuff I actually mean.

The Real Schtick
Do you ever have one of those moments that sneaks up on you totally unplanned and hits you square in the choker with its poignancy? Well, I do.

It gets me in weird moments- like when I dropped off my daughter at practice earlier this evening. I watched her; this woman child.... strolling confidently and independently away from me and into her own world. Her own school, gym, social structure.

Something froze in that moment, and it felt like some of the combined moments of this past year roared up and culminated in that one point. We've navigated some stuff, the kids and us; this year. Stuff that stays primarily between us. Not like in the days of vomit-spraying pre-school where we moms would cluster over coffee mugs and compare consistencies of thier offsprings' fluids to amazing proportions. These children of mine are real people now. Individuals in their own rights, with needs, and questions, and convictions, and concerns.

I am so very pleased to be a part of their lives; even if I'm incapable of writing a really good and honest and honouring Christmas letter about them.
I'm not much good at doing a year in review, in any case. I have a deplorable memory and seem to go more on smells, or swirls, or sensations. So, if you want to experience what 2008 has been like in the Hildebrand family- go get yourself a bowl of ice cream. Top it with chocolate sauce, crushed nuts, a sprinkle of sunflower seeds, and a few shards of broken glass. Those are the swirls and smells and sensations that come to me when I reflect on '08.

Here's what I do know:
Time passes by. I would advise that people ought to do some stuff without thinking it through too hard. And by that I don't mean making payments on a condo in Honolulu. I mean- take some chances relationally. Risk people not liking you. Risk not liking someone else. Love them anyway; because you can actually love people without liking them all that much. But do spend intentional time with people you do like. Make some of them the types of people who embrace their greying hair, enjoy their food, and leave the house even though they haven't located their tweezers since the fall of 2002.

Say some stuff out loud, and shut up about some other things.
Ever notice a woman who is lovely to the eyes? Most women do, and then immediately criticize themselves for their own real and perceived flaws. Try this: Approach said woman and compliment her authentically. Its a great gift to give.

In other cases, keep your mouth shut. Bite your tongue till it bleeds. Sit on your hands. Start smoking Cuban cigars if it keeps your gums from flapping regrettably.

That's all I'm going to say about that.

I'm going to his publish even though this isn't wrapped up like a nice gift under the tree. I have to go pick up my overachieving, good looking, nearly perfect offspring from basketball now.

Oh. And one more thing.
God.
Because that's pretty much what all of everything good and decent goes back to. And its the only place to rest when panic starts setting in. Or any other time, for that matter.

Merry Christmas.

You Don't Know What You Missed!

Even though things got kind of ugly for some people on Saturday night, I have very few regrets of an evening well wasted. First regret......there were about one hundred lurkers who failed to show up. Hmmmm.... I know you're out there....!! (but didn't we have alovely group of people? Just right to be cozy and all in one circle. I didn't have to suffer with the feeling that I was missing out on mini parties all throughout the house and garage

Second... Could someone please answer a burning question for me? How come some people who came to Party Numero Uno never came back for #2 and #3? You can't imagine what you've been missing. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

And third. I was waaaay to preoccupied with having fun and laughing to remember to take enough photos. There isn't a single flattering photo of me in my teeny tiny sweater.

Darn.
And oddly enough, there seems to be a number of outfit swap photos. I can't imagine how that happened. Such a polite, well-mannered group of church ladies. Odd that there are photos of several people in the green polyester leisure suit. Now, that outfit did not itch.

One Size Fits All took on entirely new proportions.

Truly versatile.

And the Dove Campaign could really have taken some lessons from the variety of flattering and useful articles that came into the light on that cold and frosty night. There were minimizers, and maximizers, spanx, shoulder enhancers, pomegranites, and cranberries.

Oh, if only there were photos enough to truly share the experience....

(you know.... they could be e-mailed to re-joyce@mts.net.........)

This year in a truly charitable effort, the event was made multi-cultural. A few Dutch immigrants were invited to occupy "the empty chair". A sort of evangalistic effort; you might

say.

And its a good thing. They came bearing gold, frankenstein, and blur. Three lovely pots in which to float candles, and a lovely maniacal sleighing pillar to shed its glow amongst them.

There were other pots glowing, but one was left to discover this true lavitorial illumination once the Arbor Mist had travelled through the gastronomical tract, past the hummous and artichoke dips, through the maze that is one's digestive system.....

In short, one was left wanting for a pot to pee in when the only true throne in the house had been found functioning as a floating candelabra.

The versatility of fashion was something to behold. I don't know if anybody actually went home in the piece they had quite arrived in. Oddly, I found a number of holiday sweaters in my sewing room when things quite settled back to ordinary.

The heat and commitment to breathing really did get the better of some members, even after ventilation was provided with the aid of the Henckel sheers.

At the end of the day, even the animals got into the sweater swapping. And it must be said that as far as flattery is concerned; it may just be true that most of these fashionista choices were better suited to the delegation of pet hair collecter.