Wednesday, November 22, 2006

True Confessions

I have been ruined. All of my hopes and dreams of ever becoming a true mall hound have been resolutely dashed. Like a coloured shot glass on a thrift shop floor.

Yesterday after a long day of seemingly constant bickering, tattling, and whining I stomped out the back door by myself, whining and muttering alone with no one around to lecture me. NO diapered people. NO offspring. No marriage partner. It was time to spend my hard earned money on some product to smear on dinner plates three or four times a day, scrape into the garbage, and haul to the curb every thursday. Otherwise known as "groceries".

I switched the radio station from 80's (which I really enjoy) to our local Christian music station. It was obvious I needed some spiritual food. I was nearly sweating out soot from the ugliness in my spirit. After 20 minutes of quiet, I began to float gently back to earth. Back to a little more sensible thinking. "Self- (I said); "You're all by yourself. Yes, you have a lot of groceries to pick up, but why don't you take some time for your own interests, wander through the non-edible side of Superstore. Hey! In fact, you were thinking of buying a thoughtful card for a friend. Why don't you take some time and read through the inscriptions in the Hallmark aisle? You'll feel like a kid in a candy shop.... except without any KIDS!!"

My spirits soared. I couldn't wait. First I went down to the pharmacy end and down the soap aisle. Ugly sweater Day deserved some nice soap in a dispenser that was not recycled from a lotion bottle with green painting tape stretched across it. The bar soap with cat hair stuck to it didn't seem like an appropriate option either. I settled on a pear shaped dispenser and some antibacterial soap. (my sisters are really fussy, I thought it would please them). That was enough consumerism stimulation for a time, and I floated merrily down the aisles toward the less romantic ground beef, and brocolli selections.

My plan was simple. The soap selection was thrilling, and provided enough momentum for me to navigate the rows and rows of boring stuff. When my cart was sufficiently stuffed with edible product, my finale would be the Hallmark aisle.

Everything went as planned. (except don't ever look for ground beef when its at a good price but you only get to the store after the supper hour. Its always, always gone.) My cart groaned under its weight in calories. I found my way to the greeting cards. I began salivating uncontrollably. I read many inscriptions. I perused many pretty pictures. I considered one or two as potentials.

Here's where everything went terribly, horribly wrong.

I flipped that scrawney slip of an excuse of a card over and laid my eyes on the price of caring. $5.35 for some crummy little poem about how much I like you?! HAH! For that kind of coin, I could get twenty-one cards at my local thrift shop. I could glue any manner of pictures or words on it myself. Custom made, I tell you. And for less than a pittance of that price.

I left a sooty trail away from the greeting aisle.
Ruined. I am ruined.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have to get into the card business. Seriously.
-H

Carlotti said...

On that note, the Sally Anne on Regent has a half-price sale on Wednesdays from 6 - 8, and today from 4 - 8. Guess where I'm going after work?!

The thrift shop cards are way more fun, especially when you make them fit the occasion with a black marker.

esther said...

it's actually a little embarrassing to say this, but i stopped buying b-day cards for my family (i know they still love me), because you just know they make their way to the trash pretty soon after...what a spinster i am!!

Anonymous said...

EXACTLY, for $5.35 you could buy at least
2 ugly sweaters at the much mentioned and much loved - niv. boutique.

that way you would be covered just incase you spill something on your 1st ugly sweater pick and don't have a back up.

good choice joyce.

Anonymous said...

Well don't do what I did.

I became outraged and began making my own cards YEARS ago.

Although, I do not think it saved me ONE CENT.

Not one.

Except that I got to have the fun of making them. So, I guess that isn't so bad.


Judy - Anybody Home
www.judyh58.blogspot.com

Some of my card attempts are at Inky Fingers - www.judyh58b.blogspot.com
(shameless self-promotion.)
(still no exclamation points - still sounds like i'm mad.)

joyce said...

speaking of shameless self-promotion... I'm sure you've noticed the maple leaf on my sidebar. Canadian blog awards. Go on over there,, and vote for me!

lettuce said...

you're very funny Joyce.

And its so true! I get most of our cards in the £2.00 book shop - 5 or 6 for £2.00.

Our charity shops sell new cards which aren't much cheaper than from the card shops.

Anonymous said...

Hi. I've had some of your "Joyce made" cards. WAY better! Wish I had someone here to post the 25th wedding anniversary/marriage breakup plaque you guys gave me last year. Black marking pen to the rescue once again. It still makes me laugh. Love you, and have fun at your party. Laura

Anonymous said...

Too funny! Hey, I would appreciate a homemade deal piece of joyce art, far sooner that a $5.35 piece of overrated paper.

lettuce said...

have a great party. Theres a sweaty greeting for you over at my place.

Trabinski said...

I so know what you're saying. We have a whack of birthdays in our family in April and when i go get cards for everyone it amounts to the equivalent of a new wardrobe from our fav. thrift shop. That's just wrong.

I thought about never giving cards again (still think it might be the best option) but then discovered cards that give proceeds of sales to charities. Still could buy a new wardrobe instead, but at least it makes me feel like I just may be putting a sweater on someone else's back. (Hopefully those who need it rather than corporate greedies')

it's a gong show... said...

Highway robbery I tell ya...

Brandy