Thursday, November 22, 2007

I Wish; I Want; I Wonder

I wish it were possible to do everything well. To think of everything. To not be brought face to face with my dark side.
Defensiveness. Self-pity. Negativity.

I wish I wouldn't run out of ideas for cooking and baking edibles that children will actually consume and don't have sugar as their first ingredient and syrup as the second. I wish children would stop commenting about the inadequasy of whats set before them.

I wish I would stop chewing the skin around my fingernails. Its been about thirty years now.
I hate it. I keep doing it.

I wish the day would lengthen to being 36 hours long, without exhaustion setting in. Then I could e-mail cougar attendees some great pictures, bake some pies, get through my paper stacks, maybe even find my way back into my sewing room and make something.

And that brings me to what I want. Time to create. Which is ironic, because a month ago I wanted my daycare numbers back up to what they were before. Which I now have. And now, by evening I'm so tired, and so busy putting the house back together in time for the next day, that there's no time for creating.

So I want to be content. Enjoy the moment.

I want to get involved in my daughter's youth group. Sort of. Teen-agers intimidate me, and I'm not sure I have the language to relate to them. Plus, there's the whole thing about waiting for the 36 hour day. And the whole exhaustion thing. But I want to get to know her world better. I want to observe her friends in their own element. I want to enjoy my daughter by entering her reality.

I want to do a "Yahnt zeed" thrift shopping tour. Morris. Winkler. Morden. Altona.
Yes, I do. It's been years.

I want to get out walking every day. Its an excellent mental health enhancer. I was doing really well there for a bit, until the whole exhaustion thing set in. Still, I strive for the goal.

I wonder what awaits us? What inconcievable bends in the road are yet to come?
What will my kids say about growing up here? with us?

I wonder how many more old quilts and chenille spreads I can fit into a modest house? when I'll be able to get to those other towns to find out?

I wonder if the ache in my heart for significance will ever be answered on this side of forever?

I wonder who's reading all this rubbish?


Anonymous said...

I was thinking about time last night as I lay in bed, exhausted. I did too much yesterday and by the end of the day I felt like puking, I was so tired. My kind parent pointed out to me that there will always be things that need to be done at the end of the day. I can never actually accomplish everything and that's okay. I don't have to. The world won't end.

As for time for myself, and yourself. Just take it. If you don't, nobody will give it to you. Go for a walk, be creative. Your children will survive. What they need most of all is a mother who is happy, who takes care of herself. Because if you don't feed your soul, you'll have nothing left to give to your family.

Take care and I'm reading.

Anonymous said...

Youth intimidate you...try to let it go and just listen to them and hang with them they seem to like it, at least here in Landmark at the Youth Alpha. In my eyes you are significant, and I don't read rubbish in your writing. I love you. Roselle

Roo said...

i like your want list. i just want to finish my laundry. (i started it on monday. )

gloria said...

I want to do the "yantzeed" tour with you, I want to get started on the bedroom painting I was so fired up about a week and a half ago, I want to bake all those beautiful delicious creative cookies I saw in my Bon Appetit magazine this morning, I want to find the perfect dish to bring to your party on Saturday, AND I haven't even started my laundry this week.

We all have the lists that look insurrmountable. Find comfort in our company.

I also see no rubbish here.


Cherrypie said...

You are a Most Significant Mother.

You wouldn't be so tired otherwise


mmichele said...

not rubbish.

so not rubbish.

Heather said...

Contentment comes, not from finishing anything or being significant, or even not writing rubbish, but being content to do those things and do your best at each thing, not trying to do it all but to do the VERY. NEXT. THING. and that to the best of your ability. It seems to me that you have every reason to be content--that you are accomplishing that very thing--nowe the problem is to stop thinking about all you can't do. :) And I enjoy reading here--this is how my mind works even if it isn't what comes out on paper--and it has taken me years of struggles and fears to get to the point where I am content to be here and now and that only by God's grace.

Anonymous said...

Yes... AND you are FORGIVEN!!!!

Bonnie said...

I like what Cherry pie said,
"you are a MOST Significant mother"

You are!

You don't writh rubbish, you write from the heart and that's good.

God bless you today!