Monday, October 16, 2006

Baby Steps

Grief is a funny thing, because at the weirdest, and wildest times, you feel like you've just been severed at the knees and its time to dig your own grave, legless, and bleeding, and willingly surrender to the darkness.

On the weekends, I work at an assisted living home. Our lovely patron is fond of calling her staff f**king bitches whenever things aren't going EXACTLY the way she wants them to. Last night, I was the resident bitch. I'm familiar with how to deal with the situation: calm speech, redirection, etc. But at one point I was just BROKEN. It was challenging enough to be there, feeling quiet and sad as I was, when I knew that she would prefer more of a party atmosphere. I simply could not dredge up the necessary credentials. On some very base level, I felt that perhaps she was right about who I am.

Its the morning after the night before now. And I still don't feel like wonder woman. So, I'll have a few small goals for myself in order to survive my day with few regrets.

1) Not go with the "F--ing B" prophesy.
I just don't think people would feel good about leaving their precious children with me
if that were indeed who I made myself out to be.

2) Not pick my nose.
Not snack on it.
I think this is ONE area where I can most certainly feel successful in.

Some days, you just gotta start small, so that you can start at all.


lettuce said...

Oh Joyce, you are very brave. The small things do make a big difference, don't they?

And good luck on that not-snacking thing. Glad to hear you're doing well with that.

Great fun if you're up for it. What I did with Donna (click here) was to arrange (by email) a quantity of buttons (250g, I think it was) and swap addresses - and then post, and just wait for your parcel.

email if you want to have a go!

Anonymous said...

You are a delightful, competent woman. The confidence might be battered out of you at this moment, but I would definately leave my children with you. If I could. If they were young enough. If I thought I could handle them coming back home and comparing me with you. Laura

Anonymous said...

I didn't pick my nose today (yet, anyway) but I have to do a daily dig in my 2 year old's crusty nostrils. That is in no way satisfying.

There is a Chinese proverb that says, "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
Keep going, Joyce!

esther said...

baby steps...

amen sister.

esther said...

oh, forgot to say...
LOVE that big ole Canadian Maple on your blog!
i think it's wonderful - congrats on the nomination!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Yes, congratulations on the nomination! Not at all surprizing, though. Laura

Roo said...

hey! and IF you can overcome #2 then maybe your little friend that comes over everyday will be encouraged that he too can do it!


inch by inch
its a cinch
by the mile
its a trial!

Anonymous said...

I agree with Laura. And what does that flag mean anyway? If it is supposed to tell you that you are one of the best bloggers on this side of Niverville, I could of told you that a long time ago. I think I did tell you that a long time ago. How do I nominate you, or vote for that matter. Im you biggest fan. You'll make it Joycie!