Monday, October 16, 2006

Prenatal Classes

Oh sure, they call themselves public health nurses and set up weeks and weeks of special exercises and educational lectures. No qualms speaking boldly, unabashedly about mucous plugs, afterbirth, placenta, and engorgement. No holding back on the full colour videos of splashy squalling purplish blobs that are taught to say; "mama, mama".

Aahh, it all appears so thorough in its education. But it is nefarious in its omissions.

Never once was I told that just as I was getting used to them wiping their own bums, it would be time to anticipate the rites of their pubscient development. No one bothered to tell me that although many, many days would feel monotonous to the extent where I actually felt my brain oozing from my ear canal, I would simultaneously feel completely intellectually ill equipped for the job of adequately teaching my offspring. I was not told that although the evening holds approximately four to five hours, you will need to homeschool (after a full day in school), feed, clean, medicate (oh, sorry that's for me), buff, polish, encourage, listen (With your whole self, not a yawning, moaning version thereof) for the equivalent of four to five hours.

For. Each. Child.
OH! And don't forget to do some tasks "ahead of time" to free up your schedule.
And if you don't make these suggestions work, you run the risk of being "Dr Phil"-able.

I'd like to stroll back into that stuffy prenatal class and stretch my big 'ol ass back out on those floor mats.

And then,I'd like to tell THEM a thing or two.


Carlotti said...

If I have any rights (as a non-parent) to comment on parenting skills, I would have to say you are w-a-y up there at the top of the scale.

If I were a parent, I would so love to have my kids spend a whole lot of time having you rub off on them.

How does one teach children how to be real? Being real yourself. Inch by inch.

joyce said...

That's one of the nicest things you could ever say.
And as you well know, we love to have you rub off on our children. Hey! What are you doing SAt night? Just kidding.
Love you.

Roo said...

yah! nothing like real life experience to teach ya how it REALLY is. i brought a whole bag full of "incidentals" that "people said" i would need while in labor.

all i used was the ice chips.

btw i will take u up on the "teaching" offer. xo

Heather Plett said...

Oh yeah, THAT'S a class I could have used! Never mind the stupid breathing techniques that prove useless when you're pushing a watermelon out between your legs.

lettuce said...

Yes!!! how is that? bored with the monotony AND feeling inadequate, thats exactly it!

and I only have the one to deal with.