Tuesday, October 31, 2006

On Why I Hate Hard Times

It's one thing to deal with what life chucks at you, I think I can do that pretty okay.
What makes me REALLY MAD is that my mind has some well worn ruts that it automatically falls into. Its outside of the realm of consciousness. So, not only do I have to navigate through regular life stuff like death, kids learning about sexuality, dad getting old, my brother being an alcoholic, the van breaking down, and relationships of substance being a lot of hard work......

I have to deal with the sh*t that my brain serves up.

Stuff about how stupid I must be.
Stuff about how cellulite is UNACCEPTABLE.
Lies about how horrible a parent I am.
Lies about how I am "not doing enough".
Thoughts about what a pathetic daycare provider I am.

Since I've already concluded that those are lies, it would be really helpful if my BRAIN would catch on and stop handing out cleverly packaged CRAP.

This makes me very angry. Then I start to think about how a nice daycare lady, a really stellar mom, and a loving wife does not behave in rage induced manners. Which is true. Its not a lie. So, I suck it up, but it always oozes out in a less planned way. Maybe I don't slug anyone, or tell them to stop asking me stupid questions, or how if one more person asks me for food I will force feed them raw seal. I don't do those things, I promise.

And I am really not going to say how this ugliness comes out because I'm not proud of it. Which leads my brain to cycle back to the stupid, fat, unlovely pattern of thought.

I am really sticking my neck out in cyberspace today. Really a lot. I DO NOT WANT ANY CLICHES, BECAUSE THEN I WILL HAVE TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND HURT YOU BADLY. But I'm not to proud to admit that I could use some help. I must saying that posting an extremely personal letter to my bro made me cry for going on three days now. And the comments. Oh MY. Such love.

Any shrinks in the house?


mmichele said...

i'm no shrink.
i thought you were beautiful.

lettuce said...

No, me neither. Not a shrink either. Nothing helpful to say, I don't suppose.

but I love your blog. Your honesty, your openness, your eloquence - the way you express things which i recognise about myself.

i've just sat here for some long minutes nearly writing lots of rubbish, so best to say nothing more probably.

Anonymous said...

No shrink either. Although, I do know a few good ones.

I'm tempted to throw out a cliche, just so you will hunt me down. Right before you hurt me badly, could we go thrift shopping?

Really, truly. Can we ask for more than that we learn to recognize when the raging begins and then just lessen the time it takes us (i do this, too. you are not alone, my friend.) to realize it and turn from it? And also shorten the time it takes us to apologize to those who had to witness our wrath?

I have this sort of vision of brokenness as not so much that God 'heals' us and we all walk around scarred, but that it is God that pours out through our wounds.

"Alleluia, all my gashes cry!" - Ruth Pitter

(good grief. this would have been easier to write without a screaming 10 month old demanding more crackers... and she pauses to take her own advice...)

Judy - Anybody Home - www.judyh58.blogspot.com

joyce said...

Michele & Lettuce-- Its funny isn't it, when people know well enough to not try and fix anything, even though we practically are asking someone to? What I'm not saying well at all is that I'm so grateful that you DARED leave me a comment at the end of that post.It nearly had snot and blood dripping off its very self. I'm grateful that you gave me no answers. I'm glad you said there's nothing to say, but you dared to say even that. "Love my blog, Love me" is what I hear. And maybe that's wearing my innate insecurity on my sleeve, but I've not been particularily reserved or private in this blog.
Lettuce, when you say you've nothing to say, but then go ahead and say that these words of insanity which I share with the world resonate with you..... well then I just begin to bawl all over again because I'm just so grateful. And I don't care that I've over used that word "grateful". It doesn't matter how wrong the world is, how people are horrible, how the good die young. The world is still beautiful. And comments from the two of you cement that for me, once again.

joyce said...

While in the midst of that rant, Judy commented.
Judy, this morning I was scanning through your plethura and I badly wanted to strap all the children in highchairs in front of the television and go out hunting. I think the idea you have is brilliant, and I am very easily distracted, and quite gracious. By the time I would have you hunted down, all you'd have to say is "Wanna go?" and all my murderous plotting would be behind me.
I like what you say, but the problem with my rage is that I turn it inward. I suppose I could apologize to myself, but somehow that doesn't feel really helpful. I did have to apologize to my precious daughter just the other day, and I loved to hear her say, "I forgive you, mom".
Thank God.
I will be meditating on this image of God pouring out of my gashes. That is such a beautiful image.
(As children fight in the background, and my guilt compounds..)

Roo said...

true story: when i was frustrated one day as a new YWAMer in Austrailia I picked up a desk and threw it across the room.

that was fun. ;)

love you joyce. you're special to my heart.

joyce said...

Really and truly Ruth?! Your sweetness can huck a desk? Another beautiful image! :)

andrea said...

Finally time to catch up with your blog, Joyce. And my, what a raw and honest post. I admire that because I'm nowhere near as brave.

One small suggestion: make a collection of really honest, uplifting, funny and spiritual quotes, then write them in a small, pretty notebook. Every time you feel life overwhelming you, take out your book and read a couple of quotes. It seems like a way to ground oneself/clear one's head during times of trouble. I've never gotten around to doing it of course (because I'm so lazy/fat/unaccomplished/bitchy/small-minded/ugly/etc. :) but it seems like a great idea!

As for mind ruts, how well I know them. I actually found myself blaming my parents last week when my dog died. :)

Now I must read backwards to catch up with posts...

andrea said...

Damn. Just read the comments. I guess I think too much like a man soemtimes. I want to fix everything. Ignore me.

joyce said...

Andrea-- None of those were cliches, so I won't hunt YOU down either. At least not to do you harm. I sometimes read the Psalms for those reasons. David was so angst, and then would just start singing out these songs of gratitude. I actually wonder if he was bipolar..... but his writing can be ever so comforting.

By cliche, I mean something like the following:
"this too shall pass"
"time heals all wounds"
"run to Jesus" (true, but irritating, because I don't really get that. Well, I kind of get it, but you may as well just call me a loser who never thought of a loving God if you're gonna say that. Like "Duh-- what a great idea- Run to Jesus..... whatever that means. Do you mean pray? thought of that...."

so Andrea, fear not.
And I really like what you say about blaming your parents for your dog dying!! I tend to get angry at my precious husband because he doesn't read my mind. I mean.......... THE NERVE!!!

Heather Plett said...

Apparently Blogger hates me and didn't want to post my original (much more brilliant than this one) comment.

I have no cliches, only understanding. And a little story.

On the weekend, I was perusing the list of the 30 most influential people in Manitoba in the Free Press. On that list (fairly high up, but not as high up as last year) is someone I used to work with. I happen to know that this person has some SERIOUS insecurities, even though he is one of the smartest, most talented people I know and keeps getting named on these lists. His insecurity runs so deep, in fact, that he turns to alcohol every time he has to make a public appearance. I don't know how many times I've smelled it on his breath just before a press conference. (No, I won't tell you who it is. And don't go digging through old newspapers trying to figure it out!)

It just struck me, when I saw him again in the paper, that none of us have a corner on insecurity. Even those we ASSUME have the world by the tail and are very good at portraying a confident intelligent persona, doubt and hate themselves on a regular basis. So we're in good company. :-)

Trabinski said...

Isn't that soo true Heather?

Joyce, just so you know, my last post which was about myself as an ADD mom was so hard for me. Funny as it may have sounded to those who read it, it is at times so debilitating to me. After I wrote it i talked to Bobita and told her I thought people were going to think i had some serious problems (which I very well might!). Posting that picture of the hallway was scarey b/c I so always want people to think I've got it together (I don't know why!).

But Bobita told me to relax and allow myself to post whatever comes to mind because it's not for anyone else. I'm allowed to post it for me. She's nice. :)

And then . . . when I read YOUR comment on my post, it was so validating to hear you have days like that too. And that it seemed like you didn't actually think I was completely crazy.

So, having said ALL that (I'm trying to work on my wordiness), I totally experience the same thoughts you do. In fact you have no idea how much today was one of those days.

Thanks for your post!

joyce said...

Heather-- Yes. I don't want to know who, cuz its lots of people, isn't it? So what would change if I knew this particular one? Nothing.
I think the thing is that we cycle through some more paralyzing periods of insecurity, but when in a "healing" process it doesn't last as long, and we don't really believe it on an intellectual basis any more. I used to actually believe those lies. I don't so much any more, but I get taunted by them fairly regularily.
thanks Heather.

joyce said...

Trabinski-- so much to say, do I. It's funny to think that I've actually had to work the other way. I used to tell people ALL of my perceived faults, immediately, just so that I won't disappoint them later when they notice I'm not perfect.(Yes, its true that I'm actually even more angst than what I post!!!!!!!) Well, maybe.
I've had such fun thinking about a post I could write where I describe a day in my life with ADD, OCD, anxiety disorder, and maybe a few more thrown in for variety. In fact, today was one of those days. I was mumbling about the f*ing laundry, and getting distracted by the school lunches and the raggedy anne wig I still had to make, all at the same time.
LOVED your post, I read it aloud to my sister and we laughed and laughed. (Which was nice, since we'd just been crying....)

Anonymous said...

This little corner of cyberspace loves your honesty. Thank you.
Now... "run to Jesus"? Really? Never heard that one. If someone said that to me I would smile in a most repressive way and then proceed to mentally kick their ass. Did I say that out loud?

joyce said...

Heather, I'm so glad you did.
I couldn't have said it better, and it made me laugh robustly.

How did I get so lucky as to have so many fantastic cyberspace friends?!

Romeo Morningwood said...

Let me drop a little Abe Maslow on ya..the search for self actualization.
A is Primary needs; food, shelter clothing
B is protection from physical harm and avoidance of the unexpected
C is the desire to be accepted by members of the family ,others and groups
D is the need to feel a sense of accomplishment and respect
E is the fulfillment of one's potential..to use your talents and capabilities...
Since you are a true SEARCHER ..
I just want you to know that you have found the perfect vehicle for achieving the highest level!...
you are HERE in the blogosphere to spread your wings and fly Joyce..
we all love reading your posts because of your honesty and sincerity...
keep flapping...hee hee.

joyce said...

thanks, HE. That is very sweet. And i really like that bit by Maslow. So someone before me was at least this angst, and actually made a carreer of it?! INSPIRING!
Maybe I should embrace my fubar-ed-ness and make some MOOO-Lah at it as well!!

Anonymous said...

I'm afraid that "anger" is in this sister as well, but of course, I'm much worse, and the self-talk, oh how cruel I can be to self. Now I'm angry with myself because I was angry at my therapist whom I pay $75. an hour. What then do I do?

Anonymous said...

Okay. There's no advice I can give you. The best way I have discovered to get the anger out of your system is to kick a bag. I took taekwondo for a few years and NOTHING relieves anger, stress and frustration like kicking the s**t out of a taekwondo bag.

Anonymous said...


Sorry Joyce I gotta do this;

Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead! (Admiral Farragut)

One of my brothers has a favorite quote, " It is one test of courage to live in a world where there seemingly is hope. It is an entirely different test of courage to live in a world where there seemingly is no hope."

Two other things before I sign off,

What the heck is wrong with raw seal?

I didn't know you were a Psalm Reader. Isn't that against your religion?